In-laws: what to do if the relationship is bad?

One of the most difficult problems for couples to bear is usually the relationship with the in-laws, usually due to jealousy or power struggles: mothers-in-law who compete for the love of their son with the girlfriend, fathers-in-law who compete for the love of their daughter with the boyfriend, stepsons and stepdaughters who can’t stand stepfathers or stepmothers, etc.

Sometimes, however, it is not about fighting for your partner’s attention or love, but it happens that when we are forced to relate to people with whom we have a world vision very different from ours, It is not easy to build a relationship.

Don’t you get along with your family?

We want to be accepted by our partner’s family because we know that the relationship will be easier and more beautiful if your loved ones love us too.

In the beginning, in the early stages of the relationship, usually everyone is trying to make the relationship flow. However, time can complicate everything.

If it is already difficult to relate to members of our own family, it is even more so with families with whom we do not share a common past and with whom we We are not united by affection or childhood memories.

That is, with our brother-in-law it is easier to be condescending than with our partner’s brother-in-law. With our mother it is easier to be patient than with our partner’s mother. We must analyze where the problem comes from and try to deal with the situation:

Don’t force the relationship. If you don’t like your mother-in-law, if you don’t get along with your brothers-in-law or your stepchildren, if you don’t feel comfortable with your partner’s family, it’s better not to see them.Don’t agree to do what you don’t like. Be clear that your partner cannot force you to share spaces with them. And of course, you can’t force your partner to choose between you or them either. And this means that there may be birthdays that have to be celebrated separately, or Christmases in which you have to dine alone.Don’t make him choose. There may be times when you need your partner and their loved ones need it too. It is not fair to pressure your partner to spend more time with you, or to break or reduce their affective relationships with their family. A couple relationship is only healthy if it is built from freedom and from respect for each other’s times and spaces.

Are your relatives who do not accept your partner?

When we pair up, we introduce our loved one to our people to make the relationship official, show our affective commitment and consolidate the couple.

we care because If our family accepts our new partner, we know that we have a better chance of making our relationship work. And because we know that in this way we will be able to share with our dear people celebrations or special calendar days (birthdays, weddings, Christmas…), family events (births, graduations) or even difficult situations (illnesses, deaths…).

We wish with all our soul that our people accept the relationship we have as it is, with all its virtues and also with its defects. But sometimes that doesn’t happen:

Analyze why they don’t accept you. That our people do not accept our partner can be a sign that something is not right. If the whole family tells us that our partner doesn’t seem like a good person, that they don’t seem trustworthy or that there’s something they didn’t like… maybe we have to analyze in depth what’s going on. And if we are wrong? What if others are seeing something that we cannot see because we are blinded by love?Let them know how that might affect your relationship. If your family doesn’t like your partner, they will also have to assume that you won’t be able to spend as much time with them as you’d like, that you’re going to have to split up and organize yourself in a different way, and therefore you won’t be able to be around whenever you want.

Are you in the middle of a “war” between your partner and your family?

It may happen that our family likes our partner very much, but it is our partner who does not support our family. Or they may not like each other and any attempt to establish a bond between them will be in vain.

There is little we can do when there is no “feeling” and things don’t flow: if you don’t like each other, if you don’t like each other, if there isn’t a good harmony, there isn’t much to do, except organize ourselves well to divide our time between the two of us. You have to set clear limits so that you are not placed in the middle of a war:

Do not give in to emotional blackmail. No loved one should force us to choose, we must not allow them to make our lives miserable with their jealousy. We have to be very careful so that the family does not try to separate us from our partner, nor does the couple isolate us from the family.

You should never let anyone treat the people you love badly, or let them try to take you to their ground to get you away from the other “side”.

Make things clear. If our partner does not like our family or does not get along with them, they will have to assume that we are not going to stop seeing them, taking care of them, spending time with them and celebrating with them everything you want to celebrate. You decide how you distribute your love and your time, and how you organize care.Do not isolate yourself. It is essential to remember that a new relationship can never destroy our network of affections. A person who comes into your life should never force you to choose between them and others: love always comes to add or multiply, not to occupy your whole heart or to isolate you from your people.Do not allow cross criticism. Do not let them speak ill of your partner or your partner speak ill of your loved ones and, above all, do not allow them to give you a choice, or make you emotional blackmail.

If the relationship is greatly affected by this problem, perhaps it is that there are no conditions to join: It is very important to talk and analyze if it is possible to love each other when there is no way to relate to the family of your beloved or beloved.

We must weigh the pros and cons to determine to what extent this problem affects us; if it hurts too much, maybe it’s not worth trying to make a relationship work.