I will honestly tell you how a person who is completely dependent on the opinion of others feels

Hello, my name is Ana. I want to tell you what goes through the mind of the “eternal exemplary student” and why you need to let go of the desire to be the best at everything. People like me are rarely accepted by society. But it is exactly the approval of strangers that we seek, and we fail to realize that only we have the right to value ourselves and our lives.

The nerd syndrome is a perfectionism unhealthy that overshadows other feelings and other needs. The person directs all his strength to work and/or family, but always feels that he is not doing enough. It is then that appear complexes and depressions and, in some cases, panic attacks or even physical illnesses. Especially for the awesome.clubI will share my experience to help as many people as possible to believe in themselves and their qualities.

Sometimes children begin to suffer from exemplary student syndrome because of their parents. The exaggerated expectations of the father and mother are transformed into a certain model of behavior: he got a 10 — “well done, I love you”. The school system, unfortunately, supports this model and with age the conditions become more severe. “Top 10 students” are certain of the following: if they do all they can, to the best of their ability, they will certainly be loved and respected.

In addition, today there is a cult of successful living. It’s everywhere: on social media, on TV and, it seems, even among our friends and former classmates. And we, pathological “model students”, never manage to reach the level of others and exist as if we were a background of other people’s happy lives.

In my story, my parents were not to blame. My mom and dad loved me unconditionally: they didn’t set conditions like “if you get a 10, we’ll buy a toy”. However, the first teacher I had abused her power over the students at school: she compared us to each other and stopped all attempts to express our opinions. I, still small, at 7 years old, did not like it at all: I could not understand why the point of view of this eternally angry woman was the only true point of view. I started to argue, and that was my big mistake.

The teacher knew I was getting excellent grades, even for my “advanced” class, and she still didn’t like me. She would basically give me an 8, with a smile, hatefully return the notebook to the “non-exemplary” student and say: “Gabriela / Júlia / Gustavo are very smart, they got 10…”

Soon, all these Gabrielas and Julias began to understand that there was something wrong with me. I tried, but I wasn’t praised, they didn’t make me an example, they didn’t talk to me. Already with them — yes. Then, I was a waste of time🇧🇷 Because of this, some colleagues didn’t like me and others preferred to simply not look at me. I wanted to be friendly and communicate, but nobody was interested in exemplary and smart students. And the better the result of an exemplary student, the greater the hostility of classmates.

In high school, when I got an unexpected 4 on the test, the class had a party to celebrate. I hated them for it, but I hated myself even more. I had failed, I couldn’t let that happen again. So, I needed to study even more to prove it to them… or prove it to myself?

I studied day and night, read the textbooks, tried to read Conan Doyle in the original version, won the Olympics, and still felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I was right. Only a silver medal (didn’t even make it to the gold medal, what a shame!), to win the best student of the year medal, I was only missing a grade 10. At graduation, the teachers hugged all my classmates, saying that they did A good job. To me they said through clenched teeth: “We expected more from you”🇧🇷 I couldn’t prove anything to anyone.

At my first job, I was again convinced that I couldn’t do anything. I was terrified of making any mistakes, I redid the work 3 times, trying to reach the ideal. I almost stopped eating and sleeping, I often cried, and in the few hours of sleep, I had nightmares. I was 20 years old, 1.67 m tall and weighed 46 kg.

I couldn’t find my place and I changed jobs several times. Most “model students,” like myself, crave the approval of others. We got used to the rating system, and in adulthood we are rated by all those who are not lazy (as I thought before). Even at work. They need to give us a 10, praise us, pat our heads and finally tell us how good we are.

So I needed to earn the respect of a new team each time. I tried to please and be helpful, offering my help to colleagues, but people have a nasty habit: they start abusing your kindness very quickly. Soon, all these “helps with the report”, “writing articles for friendship” became my duty.

I understood perfectly well that I was being used, but I couldn’t say no. After all, the person needed help and I could help, so I had to help🇧🇷 Otherwise, it would be seen as a bad person. Ultimately, I was to blame myself. As a result, my colleagues were praised and promoted, and I remained an ordinary employee that no one noticed.

The hardest part was believing in myself. I once organized a training course on my own for the company I worked for. All responsibility for the project was mine, so I was shaking with nervousness, like crazy. I had 2 months to prepare the classroom, work out the program with the teachers and enroll the students. Therefore, I started working without thinking about rest.

I was afraid I wouldn’t find anyone interested in studying, and in fact, I found twice as many as planned. I was afraid they wouldn’t like it, but out of 16 students, only one didn’t like the course. And yet, he was among the participants! The guy asked for a refund and left my course! Again, I could not handle the situation and for several months I was unable to work normally due to the constant feeling of unprofessionalism.

For me, there was no middle ground: if I had to stay late at work, I stayed until midnight, if I had to help, I did my best. I just didn’t have the right to cheat and not do my job 100%, but I still considered myself a loser. The same was true in personal relationships and at home.

My first boyfriend loved to repeat, “Who else would want to be with you but me? You should be happy that I am with you!” And I was happy. I learned to cook according to recipes, kept the house spotless. In order not to “fill the boy’s head”, I studied dozens of psychology books… and even then, I wasn’t good enough. Then I moved on to another relationship, with a partner who drank a lot, but at least didn’t call me names and didn’t fight with me.

I was sure that I still didn’t deserve anything better.

I continued to work and endure the situation. When I was 24 years old, I had to have surgery: all my tensions resulted in a very nasty and incurable wound. Three days after the surgery, my boss called me: —Go back to work, please, there’s no one who can replace you. And I came back. For what…?!

That’s when I realized that I couldn’t live like this anymore. All this time I was waiting for the approval of others. I would do something and then with a pleading look I would look at them: “Is everything okay? Did you really like it? Won’t you laugh at me?”

He arrives. That’s enough for me.

I started rebuilding myself little by little. At first it was difficult: the habit of working to exhaustion did not let me idle for even half an hour. The hardest part was learning to say no. I had the impression that with my “no” I was betraying all of humanity. But surprisingly, no one died.

Finally I was able to let go of the partner I didn’t get along with, and the job that squeezed me like an orange. Now I understand, that I was never defective, we’re just all different. Nine years after finishing school, I managed to forgive my classmates, my first teacher and understand that I really am worth something. To all pathological “model students”, I advise the following:

Stop criticizing each of your steps. We all make mistakes, but constantly blaming ourselves is a direct road to neurosis. Instead of practicing self-criticism, learn to praise yourself. Instead of “I did a little bit of work today”, use “I turned in 2 reports today and cleaned the coffee machine”. Keep an achievement journal and write down everything you did during the day. This will make it easier for you to praise and love yourself. Understand that the ideal is unattainable and you will not become the best of the best, just because you raise your standards infinitely. Why are you trying to become the best student of the year, the employee of the month, the ideal wife? To hang a diploma in the bedroom? We are all just trying to be happy, and happiness is just the ability to appreciate what you have. Learn to rest. I am serious. Make time for pleasant idleness, at least a few minutes a day, this will sound crazy to begin with, but you’ll manage. Watch your favorite TV series, throw yourself on the couch with a good book, just don’t think about your responsibilities. Think about yourself and learn to say “no”. Make decisions according to your needs, not according to other people’s wishes. You don’t owe anyone anything. Also, your health should always be more important than work. See a psychologist. I didn’t do it because I was convinced that I was fine, and that others were just better than me. I needed to find out that this was a problem. It took 2 years for me to solve it myself.

In short, try to just “put the problems aside” sometimes. I am learning the philosophy of indifference from my cat Muci. That cuteness shows in her appearance, “I know you love me, even if I break this cup, oh, it broke by itself, give me food.” She is sure that she does not need to do anything supernatural, but just be herself, to be loved and appreciated. Cool, isn’t it?