I stopped sacrificing myself on my son’s behalf so he doesn’t grow up with a sense of guilt.

My name is Vera and I am a bad mother. When my son was born, I swore that I would be the best possible mother for him. However, I was not able to achieve this perfection. In my struggle to achieve this, I ended up missing out on some important things, and as a result, my son stopped bringing me joy, making me feel guilty and unhappy.

I would like to share with the readers of incredible.club how I reassessed my views on my son’s life and education and thus realized that being a happy mother has nothing to do with an endless series of sacrifices.

My sister and I were always first in our mother’s priorities and she reminded us of that daily. Mom was proud to have sacrificed everything for us and spoke with disgust about women who had the audacity to think about themselves. Following her example, I also put my son first. He had everything: expensive clothes, healthy and tasty food, endless mugs and the best toys. I gave him freedom of choice, minimal restrictions, so he didn’t have to follow any rules. Played with him, entertained him and closely followed all his development. I understood him, gave affection and kissed him always. I even quit my job so I could always be with him.

It wasn’t just for my son that I had to do my best, but also for my mother. It was necessary to visit her more often, go shopping with her, and on weekends go to her house to help her with the housework.

All of this left me in pieces: on the one hand there was my son, for whom I wanted to be a perfect mother; on the other, my mother, who sacrificed for me for so many years. Until one day, Mom said, “I’ve sacrificed my whole life for you and you’re not even trying. I should dedicate more time to myself”. A strong feeling of guilt and remorse gripped my soul.

And then it all started to fall apart: I began to see myself as a terrible daughter, my career practically ended with the birth of my son, and, to top it off, my relationship with my husband was deteriorating. We had almost no time together anymore and if we talked, the subject was always our son.

While my son was crying next to me, I just lay there looking at the ceiling. That day, I understood that this was not what I had dreamed of for myself. And I realized the obvious: the principle that “the child has to be the center of the mother’s universe” does not work. After all, if I had continued to follow him, in 20 or 30 years I would have turned into my mother, who gave her all for her children and now expects the same in return. My son, in turn, would feel the same guilt I feel now. No, I didn’t want that future for my son.

This problem was more common than I thought. All psychologists warn: having a child does not mean abandoning your own life. And, even worse, putting the child on a pedestal is more harmful to the children than the parents.

After reading some books on Psychology, my husband and I took the liberty of asking ourselves an uncomfortable question: “How can we love another person fully if we don’t love ourselves?” And the answer made us make the difficult decision that we would no longer put our son’s interests before our own. So it was decided that we should review our entire family lifestyle.

We adopted a set of rules. Before, I didn’t want to restrict my son’s freedom; however, this ended up taking away the freedom of everyone in the house. He would play until he was exhausted, then make a fuss and end up sleeping anywhere and at an inconvenient time. It was practically impossible to make a plan for the day and finish all my tasks. A week after introducing new rules for sleep, food and walks, my son became calmer, the moments of hysteria practically disappeared and I got a few hours for myself.

My son learned the word “wait”. I stopped abandoning all my chores to fulfill the immediate desires of the little one when he made a fuss. Over time, he understood that the world does not revolve around him and that all people have feelings and needs. And he needs to take that into account.

We stopped playing with him all the time. Excess of recreational activities, in addition to causing a lot of tiredness, can be harmful, because when a child does not have time for himself, he does not develop his imagination. And creativity is precisely one of the most important functions performed by the brain. When our son started to have free time, he started to create games and games by himself.

We stopped buying too many toys. We noticed that the child was barely able to orientate himself in the sea of ​​colorful toys and we decided to get rid of most of the old ones, not replacing them with new ones. As a result, our son learned to value and value every toy. And, of course, my husband and I saved a little.

The mother-taxi, who was fully engaged in transporting and accompanying her son from one school to another, ceased to exist. We even decided that, until the age of four, our son should not attend extracurricular activities. Instead, we spent time with him. We walked, read and talked. And his development was not affected in any way.

My husband and I started asking the grandmothers to take care of their grandson once a week so that we could go out alone. And over time, an order of just a few hours can extend to more than a day and even a few weeks. That way, there’s even enough time to visit friends and catch up.

We also started to be against the idea that everything that is best and most delicious has to be given to the child. Everything must be shared equally. Thus, the child learns that parents also like to eat delicious desserts.

I managed to get back to doing what I love most: drawing. And my son, surprisingly, ends up sitting next to me and drawing with me. Or else he’s playing builder with his building blocks by himself. When I went back to doing what makes me feel good, I became happier and more balanced, and my son, consequently, became calmer.

Some domestic activities also became our son’s responsibility. Initially he helped us with the housework as a way to play. Afterwards, it became a habit. In addition, today he understands that he has to clean up his own mess.

These days, my little one is five years old. He creates his own games and pranks and makes friends easily. He’s even blended in with the other kids on the street. In addition, he understands very well the phrases “mommy is working”, “mommy is tired” or “mommy wants to be alone”, and understands that he is not the only one who needs to have fun and relax. But most importantly, he knows I love him very much and will always find time for him.

My husband and I haven’t felt on the edge of the abyss for a long time, and I no longer feel that my life is tied exclusively to someone else’s footsteps. Therefore, I am sure that I will never blame my son for having devoted myself excessively to him.

I understand that my son will one day go to a therapist and he will have something to tell. This happens to all children and the upbringing we give them is never perfect. But the most important thing is that he learns to value his own life, feel and defend his personal space and not feel burdened by the burden of someone else’s fate tied to his own.

How do you organize your time between personal activities and your child’s? Can a good mother also think of herself, instead of just the children? Leave your opinion in the comments section.