I committed to you, not to the in-laws

One can choose the person with whom to spend the rest of one’s life, but not the people who accompany them.. The couple’s in-laws and friends can become a problem in the relationship to the point of causing a breakup. Beyond what it may seem to us, this is a recurring problem in many couples and one that must be known how to manage and delimit.

Thus, a more than common phrase that justifies bad relationships or the distance created with in-laws is “I did not commit myself to your family, but to you.” However, we must know that When we commit to someone we also commit to the world around them. We are not obliged to get along with the people of that world, but we are obliged to try to maintain a cordial relationship.

On the other hand, Whether we get along badly or well depends on several factors, because if there is something that we all know, it is that each family is a world.. It’s one thing to live hundreds of miles from your in-laws and brothers-in-law, but it’s something very different to share the same house or be two blocks away.

Likewise, another relevant factor is also determined by the relationship we have with our own family. The University of Lisbon, for example, published a study in the Journal of Family Studies where he explained that on average the Women usually establish a closer bond with their husband’s family. This bond can be a great source of happiness when it is shared and cared for, but, on the other hand, closeness also increases the likelihood of friction occurring.

Types of in-laws you can find

Establishing a good relationship with the in-laws or, on the contrary, feeling like you don’t fit in at all, depends largely on the type of people and dynamics we encounter. There are families that are excessively cohesive and dependent, who spend all their time together and barely leave room for intimacy as a couple. There are others who constantly try to interfere and manipulate and others who are a pit of negativity and criticism.

However, The perception that a person has of his or her in-laws depends largely on his or her own personality.. If I am very independent or very introverted, I will feel suffocated and invaded by a family that constantly meets and calls each other; However, if I am sociable and outgoing, I may appreciate and enjoy these attributes in my in-laws and brothers-in-law.

Thus, sometimes the toxicity of the in-laws is undeniable, but in other cases it is more of an incompatibility. Be that as it may, when cordial and pleasant bonds are not being established, problems arise in the couple.

Is it mandatory to choose?

Whenever we talk about the in-laws, it is common to visualize the typical friction between a woman and her mother-in-law. Stereotypes often mask other deeper and more revealing realities, such as the fact that There are those who enter a relationship with a burden already in tow: a family history of conflicts or disagreements.. Others, on the contrary, may show excessive attachment to it, which undoubtedly makes it difficult to maintain a satisfactory and mature commitment.

The worst situation we can face occurs when the partner or family pressures the person to choose

Even after this critical moment things can be redirected. It is not strange that the people who propose the election do it like an order, as a way to demand more attention or to gain a little space in front of the other party. If they succeed, they will withdraw their claim without further complications.

On the other hand, When an election of this type is on the table, there is usually a long path of disputes behind it. that has not been redirected in time. As we have said before, there can be a thousand situations, let’s see below which are the most common.

Overprotective and controlling parents

Barbara Oudekerk, a psychologist at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, conducted a study that showed The impact that controlling and overprotective parents can have on our adult relationships is immense.. So much so, that it is common for one to end up choosing emotional partners according to the family’s tastes. Or on the contrary, they end up breaking up or distancing themselves from certain people by following those invisible but persistent family mandates.

Thus, a more than recurrent fact is the need for these parents to continue displaying an overprotective, controlling and in some cases even dictatorial attitude towards their children. It is therefore difficult for the partner of the person who has such a parent to feel comfortable..

On the other hand, it must be considered that interfering parents do not have much effect unless the children consent to it. Usually, When serious problems occur is when parents and children have not matured. Thus, one wants to protect and another to be protected. Otherwise, it will be the children who distance themselves from their parents when they realize that, although with good intentions, they are interfering with their happiness.

In addition, It would be untrue to believe that a bad relationship with the in-laws is always the fault of those fathers and mothers. There are cases in which the person who does not do things well is the partner. Happens when there are children and you do not want them to share time with your in-laws without a justified reason. Or when there are designated holidays and you use less than noble psychological strategies so that they are always celebrated with your family.

Is it possible to get along with the in-laws?

With rare exceptions, the answer is yes.. There is no reason a priori that prevents us from getting along with the in-laws. Now, it is true, as we have said before, that there are people who make it more difficult than others.

To simplify, let’s take the side of a couple who has decided that it is time to make family introductions. Meeting in-laws can cause tension because people assume that they are facing an evaluation context.

This interpretation of the context can disappear and with it the anxiety, or not. There are boys who have already shared a table and tablecloth with their “in-laws” many times and still fear that at any moment their partner’s father will take the shotgun out for a walk. Understand this as a little joke, but also as a portrait of what sometimes happens on a smaller scale.

If this feeling never disappears, it is very difficult to have a good relationship between a couple and “in-laws.” since no one likes to be continually in a context in which they feel evaluated.

a bad relationship

Thus, and in the event of having a somewhat tense relationship with the in-laws and with the occasional disagreement, the ideal would be to resolve it as soon as possible and not let the situation become chronic. In these cases It happens that the two parties end up accumulating excessive tensions and at the minimum differences and problems always end up breaking out.

In situations like this, the person in the middle has a really unpleasant role. On both sides he has to hear things from people he loves that he doesn’t like and that make him sad. Whether the situation improves or worsens will depend a lot on our social skills and ability to manage differences.

Is it really possible to get along with in-laws?

To be able to answer this question, perhaps it would be good for you to put yourself on “the opposite path.”. This means, would you like your partner to make you choose between your family or him/her? How would you like family Sundays, birthday celebrations or December holidays to be? What would happen if your partner tells you that he/she can’t stand your parents?

It is good to be objective and assume that we all have qualities and defects. We cannot expect others to change if we do not do so first. So, If your partner’s family is not “ideal”, learn to identify those things that are positive (we all have something to highlight).

Furthermore, if you really love your partner, maybe you should know that to take care of that bond you have to know how to face adversity. Doing it in the best way will undoubtedly help us grow in our relationship and move forward with greater solvency.

What things can I do to get along better with my in-laws?

Can we accept our partner’s family to the point that it seems like we have “married” them? Extremes are never good. Neither that they are present even in our bedroom nor that we never see them. Beyond the affection you have for them, the couple must be sufficiently “watertight” to not let third parties interfere in decisions and life as a couple.

However, There are some tips so you can get along with them and that not everything is a pitched battle, an argument, or a tense silence, nor a bad afternoon or night. Let’s see them.

Set limits

First of all, you should set some boundaries. Know what you can and cannot accept when you visit your partner’s family or they come to your house. Make it clear from the beginning what those insurmountable barriers are.

It is with your partner, of course, that you should set those limits. You may be confident enough to chat directly with the people involved, but that’s not always a good idea. Some can be quite susceptible and cause additional problems. Be careful.

In any case, if you are receiving direct aggression (even if it comes camouflaged as sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, humor, etc.) it is important that you stop this dynamic and Make it clear what types of behaviors you will not tolerate. If you ignore it, the trend will likely continue to escalate.

Take care of your self-esteem

Feeling like you don’t fit in with your in-laws can be really painful. Generally awakens feelings of shame, discomfort and lack of belonging. We may even feel defective or invalid. Therefore, it is essential to protect our self-esteem and remember that we are not obliged to change, fit in or be like…