Today I caught myself thinking about you, I started to remember when our plans started to disappear from our routine. To this day I don’t quite understand what happened, why our entire history disappears like a simple step of magic. I remember well, the conversations under that tree, inside the car, as if it were the last attempt to get right. I remember your whisper saying: don’t let me forget you, but it was too late, you had already decided to leave me and walk alone.

I tried to make some plans with you next week, to go to the movies to see your favorite movie remember? But you were too tired to go, that’s okay, I understand. His tiredness wasn’t physical, it was emotional. We’ve been through so much that I’m still trying to understand how strong we were, haven’t we? It’s not easy for two people to swim against the tide of love, where very few people cheered for our happiness, and so many others said that if they were us, they would have given up.

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And we were still dating when one Wednesday night you hung up your phone saying you were going to sleep, and there I started to feel you saying goodbye. I asked you not to abandon me, that I would change, that I would be different, but the problem is that you no longer believed in me, and especially in us. I still had a speck of hope, you know? I thought it would be one more time when after a few hours I would look at you and say: we’re fine, right? No, that never happened.

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That night I still managed to sleep thinking that the next day you would change your mind and would like to talk. Yes, you really wanted to talk, but not to take my hand, but to leave it at that moment. It’s over, no more. It wasn’t for lack of love, but it really ended. Like this? As? And then you were gone, leaving behind a tangle of sensations that I’m still trying to decipher.

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Time passed and the certainty that our plans, our dreams, our future home, our children, our dogs, our achievements were behind us. Oh girl, if someone had told me it would be this hard maybe I wouldn’t have believed it. But then, I woke up, and I realized that it’s no use trying when the other doesn’t want to, and that it was killing me little by little. Every ignored message, every missed call, every failed attempt to find you on social media made me understand that I didn’t deserve that anymore.

No, it was no longer within my reach. I’ve always heard that when we love someone we need to hope for their happiness, even if it’s not by our side. And yes, I don’t wish you any harm. I want and still hope that you make your dreams come true, your new car, your office and so many others that I helped build.

I don’t regret giving myself to you and forgetting myself. I don’t regret telling someone that you were the person I loved the most in my life, and that maybe I’ll never be able to erase from my memories the good things we went through. Oh, and today I can understand why you didn’t believe in my promises to change, there was nothing to change, there was nothing for me to do, because a relationship is made of two people, two stories, fears and yearnings different, and at that moment you decided it didn’t exist anymore, following your instincts.

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I learned to walk alone, not to depend on anyone else to be happy, and to let things happen naturally. Of course, the places we went, the cities we knew together still remain with me, and yes, they always will. It’s amazing how much we mature when we suffer, how much we learn from our mistakes.

Remember you thought I would never really be me? That you thought I could never really be free? Well, today I am. And you’re not here to follow along. We meet again a few times, right? Ah, nonsense of the heart, of the longing that we thought was still love. Or really still was, but even as love it couldn’t be lived. I don’t know if I believe in those movie stories where couples meet again years later and are happy together again.

Life doesn’t always follow the script, dreams are interrupted, plans change. To you, what I always said: You were one of the most beautiful chapters in my story, and you remain there, in the past. Know that I still pray for you, as I always have in our entire relationship, and I wish you to be eternally happy.

Hugs, from those who were once yours.