Hyperindependence: a possible characteristic of trauma

Hyperindependence arises as a result of deep emotional damage caused by abandonment, broken trust, or betrayal. This trait is present in those people who always reject any type of help, who walk freely through life avoiding relational commitments and who say they prefer solitude to any type of company.

It is undoubtedly striking how, sometimes, something that is perceived as a strength -independence- can reveal a deeper problem; as is the case of psychological trauma. Because while it is true that it is healthy to develop that sense of freedom with which to decide and act for ourselves, there are those who lead to somewhat pathological behavior.

We are referring to those resentful profiles that end up losing any opportunity to achieve enriching relationships. And let’s not be mistaken. Those men and women who like to go “free” in the world and who despise love and friendship in all their forms, are not always happy. Because deep down in their being they drag the rust of sadness, and even the desperation of the deepest loneliness…

People marked by hyperindependence never ask for help when they need it.

Characteristics of hyperindependence

The hyperindependence It is a behavior in which a person is exaggeratedly independent and self-sufficient. Now, what do we mean by “too much”? Fear is always that component that shapes the most dysfunctional behaviors. In this case, we would have someone who avoids relationships, having friends or partners for “fear” of being betrayed, abandoned, hurt, etc.

The fear of these situations is what orchestrates classic behavioral avoidance. Those in which, After having met someone, for example, they choose to disappear without saying anything. Those in which after realizing that they begin to feel something for a person, the flight instinct emerges in them due to the anguish of experiencing again the same pain that they suffered once in the past.

Likewise, it is interesting to know that hyperindependence is the opposite pole of emotional dependence and that both almost always have a common element: childhood traumas. In fact, research from George Mason University highlights how post-traumatic stress disorder often mediates the way we bond with other people.

Let’s see what characteristics define this type of hyper-independent profile.

They are workaholics

This is a recurring trait: the obsession with staying busy most of the time is a common behavior in the hyper-independent. They are people who direct their lives towards a goal and focus on it obsessively.

Having such high work goals also serves as an excuse to avoid all types of commitments: friendship, family and partner.

They never delegate tasks or ask for help

People with a hyper-independent character “can do everything” (Or so it seems). They are those figures who never ask for help even though the entire world has fallen into pieces on their backs.

They never delegate any task because that reduces their authority and strength. Because if there is something they crave, it is to be decisive, efficient, to solve everything without anyone’s help.

They have a hermetic and reserved personality

They are impregnable and airtight. They act like cold human fortresses in which nothing ever seems to happen, because they hide everything, they repress everything.

It doesn’t matter if they are going through a thousand torments, they will never share with anyone what they feel or what worries them. Not only do they insist on not sharing physical territories with anyone, the emotional scene is also something markedly private.

They make unilateral decisions

These men and women have great difficulties living with other people. In the workplace, they are those always discrepant voices with which it is difficult to carry out group projects. They get frustrated if things are not the way they want and desire. They do not share ideas, they do not reach consensus, they do not know how to dialogue, they do not form a team…

Likewise, when it comes to relational matters, they rarely manage to maintain a partner or a friendship. They always make unilateral decisions and are extremely offended if what they suggest is not done.

They hate needing someone and having someone need them.

Other evidence that defines the hyperindependent It is feeling suffocated when you perceive that you begin to need someone.. After all, love means experiencing the desire to be close to another, to share time, life and experiences.

That emotional attachment is something they want to avoid at all costs. They don’t want to need anyone or for anyone to need them; Only in this way do they avoid the risk of being hurt or betrayed.

Many times, behind hyperindependence is a response to trauma.

What is the origin of this behavior?

Dr. Michael B. Sperling is a specialist in attachment disorders. In one of his works, he emphasizes the importance of continuing to delve deeper into how attachment alterations in childhood affect us in adulthood. In fact, Hyperindependence is a consequence of avoidant attachment.

It happens when a child realizes that they cannot count on the love, support and protection of their caregivers. Sooner or later, they stop asking for what they cannot receive. They are little ones who stop crying, who repress their emotions and, in many cases, become self-sufficient early. All as a consequence of absent and emotionally cold parents.

That wound from yesterday, that break in the emotional bond with those primary figures such as parents, causes (in many cases) them to stop trusting others. They become distant, secretive and fearful deep down. They fear intimacy, closeness, love in any of its forms. They assume that whoever loves you betrays you, and that what happened once in the past can be repeated…

If this is our case, if this is the silent imprint that dominates our existence, let us not hesitate to request specialized help. Change is always possible. We all deserve to trust others again to build healthy relationships.

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