How to raise happy children after separation

The divorce of a couple it is a fact that lives more and more normally. Nowadays it is rare that in a class there are not several children in this situation and that they naturally comment on the relationship they live with each of their parents. The high divorce rate means that this subject is no longer taboo and children do not experience it as a stigma.

However, you have to make an effort to try to reduce the pain through which they will have to pass when the decision is communicated to them. In this sense parents are always one step ahead, because they are the ones who will have gone through a previous crisis and it is assumed that they have exhausted all the resources to continue together and have already begun to separate emotionally. But, after the divorce, it is convenient to remain attentive to how the children are assimilating the new situation.

What to expect from children after divorce according to their age

Each child will react to the separation according to their personality and the way in which the whole process has passed. Taking into account her age, as a general rule the following usually happens.

up to three years

Young children have fewer emotional and intellectual resources to cope with separation and therefore they may behave smaller than they are. Perhaps they will ask for the pacifier again, pee the bed again, demand that you be more for them, etc.

Between 3 and 6 years

Depending on his character, the child may react by being more rebellious than it was to express his anger or more docile with the desire to get his parents back together.

They are ages in which it is difficult for them to accept the separation and, sometimes, they even deny it themselves and the people in their circle: friends, relatives, teachers, telling them that their parents are still together or that dad has gone away to work.

Some children of these ages they may feel guilty of the separation of their parents, which leads them to a state of sadness and pain. In these cases parents should intervene immediately clarifying things and giving them their support.

As in the previous stage, they can show some regression in their developmentas well as having night nightmares or somatizing their discomfort in the form of fevers, headaches or lack of appetite, among others.

up to 12 years

It is a complicated stage for the children themselves: You are approaching puberty and your own body demands a lot of attention from you. They tend to get more angry with their parents. than at previous ages and, as they are older, parents sometimes tend to give them more responsibilities.

All this makes tend to show their anger and not want to easily accept the situation, blaming whoever made the decision for all their problems or looking for alliances to reconcile. They no longer deny the fact of the separation but feel uncomfortable having to go from one house to another.

in adolescence

They already have a more formed personality and will tend to make moral judgments on the behavior of the parents, being able to criticize one or the other for their decision and the situation in which the family has been left according to the reasons given.

As for the reaction, they may suddenly become “older” to play the role of someone who has abandoned the house or who feel neglected and may fall into negative behaviors if there is greater permissiveness.

How to avoid parental alienation syndrome

When the divorce has not been well resolved on an emotional level or there have been problems during the legal process and the consequent agreements, children are often used as bargaining chips and even for blackmail to hurt the ex-spouse, put personal interests first and increase conflicts.

He parental alienation syndromedefined by the psychiatrist Richard A Gardner in 1985, usually occurs in highly conflictive separation situations, although it is not exclusive to divorces.

Children affected by it develop a unjustified hatred towards the father or mother and their respective families, the result of brainwashing carried out by the other parent. Given the arbitrariness of this situation and the immaturity of the children, this syndrome is considered as a form of child abuse.

In these cases the parent who wants to be excluded is devalued and despised in front of the child, visits are denied and lies are made the child about the fulfillment of his commitments, all this so that the child comes to despise him and does not want to see him.

We insist that separation is a solution that concerns only the couple and that children should always be left aside both before, during and after the separation.

So that there are no more complications than necessary in this phase, it is advisable to:

Reach agreements that are healthy for allboth from the point of view emotional: residence of children, visits of the spouse, etc., as from the point of view material: alimony, economic supplements, etc. If the couple is very deteriorated and it is difficult for them to reach these agreements on their own, it is highly recommended to go to a family mediator.fulfill the pacts that have been reached on the children and if difficulties appear dialogue between adults arrive at a solution that admits a greater flexibility promptly.Do not interfere in the relationship that children have with their father or mother after the separation, unless we observe that it is pernicious for them, but not to disqualify him just because.Maintain the same type of norms and education in both houses. The spouse who has their children on the weekend should not go overboard in giving them only compliments and whims, or fill all the time with activities. Since they haven’t seen each other for days, they have to look for moments to talk quietly.The boy should have in both homes of all those things that are familiar to him and allow him to feel at home; No it is about going to the house that is not the one where you usually live and feeling as if you were visiting.

In any case, let us remember that many of the problems that appear in children are not a direct consequence of the divorce, but the result of the family relationship prior to it: disputes between parents, a climate of tension, neglect of the children’s education, etc. ., and Many times a proper divorce is preferable to a bad relationship.

How to get children to accept a new partner?

It’s not always easy to rebuild family life with a new partner when one or both of its members have children from a previous relationship.

Acceptance of the new person it may take a while and supposes an approach and a knowledge of it. Thus the first steps must be well planned and prepared for setbacks that may arise.

Taking into account that children are the most fragile in all this fabricthe fact that the father or mother remakes their life supposes a notable change for them, so it is convenient to keep in mind:

Let some time pass after the separation before introducing the new couple. This way they will have already gotten used to the idea of ​​divorce, they will not see that person as a rival in their relationship with their father or mother and they will be able to accept it more easily. told them about the new person before they met.The first encounters they should be relatively brief and better in a place other than your own home: a meal, a walk, an evening at the movies… trying to create a climate of relaxation.Younger children will more readily accept a new relationship than the older ones, while adolescents are the ones who can show more rejection.Make it very clear thateven if mom or dad has a new partner, they they continue to have the usual parents and that they will not lose their affection and attention. At first it is easy for children to oppose saying “you are not my father (or my mother)”. Faced with this type of phrases, it is convenient answer calmly telling him: “It’s true, I’m not your father (or mother), but he likes that you do things that way and I also think it’s better”. Thus, You will feel that no one rivals anyone.

Books to manage separation with children

Children of separated parents; Alejandra Vallejo-Nájera. Ed. PlanetChildren and divorce; Nicolas Long, Rex Forehand. mcgraw-hillDivorce explained to children; Cynthia McGregor, Ed. ObeliskAnd the children… what? How to guide children before, during and after the divorce; Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Ed. Granica