How to deal with rebellious adolescence?

Hello friends!

Freud said that educating is impossible. This sentence can be interpreted in several ways, and it is especially useful for us to think about adolescence, a phase in which it seems that education (on the part of teachers and parents) becomes impossible. The impossibility of education, or part of it – let it be clear right away – does not lie in the inability of educators. We can say that education becomes impossible because there is individuality, because there is desire, because there is the will to know oneself, because there is individuation, because there is a tendency towards self-realization.

Thus, in this growth process, adolescence is not the only phase of major changes. In the first year of life, we go through the biggest physical transformation, from a baby who barely opens his eyes to someone who can talk and walk. At thirty, a new great phase of change begins, with the gradual decline of vitality and metabolism. Certain people start to feel these changes as early as 29, 30 years old, but the most common is between 35-40 years old. Many marriages end, many people change jobs, change cities. Despite being considered a “midlife crisis”, it can also be a very creative time. The greatest works of art were created when artists were this age.

And adolescence, even though it is thought of as a difficult phase, can and should also be a creative phase. In fact, it is the phase in which the subject begins to get rid of his parents, of their emotional dependence and begins to be his own self. However, to do so, it is necessary to go against the education received, it is like a natural movement of rebellion, of shadow that causes various family conflicts to be created.

For parents, this can be very complicated, because they are watching their babies change into beings that are independent and different from who they are and, many times, different from what they think and believe. In that sense, it’s like a break with narcissism, the tendency to see your children as a reflection of yourself. This fear can turn into excessive control, which, in turn, will generate more rebelliousness.

Also Read – What You Can and What You Can’t Control

Well, I think the first step is to understand the process of change that happens at this age. We all know that the body undergoes another incredible transformation, aimed at reproductive capacity. In cultural, moral and religious terms this can be hidden, concealed, deceived but in the end what happens is simple to understand, at the level of the body.

My great-grandmother got married and had her first child at the age of 13. Today, there is a lot of talk about teenage pregnancy but, biologically, from the moment there is the first menstruation there is the possibility of reproduction. I mean, if we take away all the cultural, moral and religious conceptions, we will see that in this phase there is a change so that it is possible to start a new generation, right?

Of course, we can imagine that it will be easier and more peaceful if the person has children later, when they have more financial conditions and stability. But we also need to see the truth that at this physical level what happens is change for reproductive purposes.

Psychologically, the changes are more varied and can range from social isolation and depression, through attachment to a particular group to the attempt to run away from home. Anyway, as they say, each case is different. It is common for families not to see the changes taking place for those who are more introverted and suffer the changes in silence, inside their room. Very different from those who want to go out, fight to be able to have more freedom and wear unusual clothes.

Many parents ask me this title question: “How to cope?” or “What to do?”

I would say that, after understanding that it is a process of profound physical and psychological change, in which the subject is beginning to know himself, the second step is to be patient. Because there is a more critical period, which generally goes from 14 to 16 years old and which tends to pass after that. The Orientals say that patience is the greatest of virtues and it is based on this simple thought: “This will pass”.

What is most recommended by psychologists around the world is to be open to dialogue. This can be very difficult for both parties, that is, to talk honestly about what each one is going through. But at least leaving the door open for when the teen wants to talk is a good start.

But what I would recommend the most is to lower the control. Remembering Freud’s phrase, educating is impossible, we can think that education becomes impossible because it is impossible to control the other. A child is easier to make obey, to set limits, to impose discipline because it is the phase in which the person is imitating and learning about what can and cannot be done.

A teenager, on the other hand, already knows all of this and is always trying to figure out how to break through these boundaries and, more than that, is trying to figure out who he or she is. Because it’s starting to become clear that you shouldn’t imitate your father or mother. The idols, the heroes are no longer the parents, but very different people, like singers, actors, writers. As it is time to separate a little from your family environment and find your own environment, it is possible to get lost a little. Those who educate must let the process happen, however, always keeping an eye on what is happening to help with whatever is needed.

And if you are a teenager who is reading the text, the path is always to try to be yourself, to accept who you are, regardless of the opinion of others. Recently I saw this phrase by Oscar Wilde and I thought it was sensational: “Be yourself, everyone else already exists”.

Doubts, suggestions, criticisms and ideas for new texts, please comment below!

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