How to positively deal with couple crises

The sociological changes produced in the last decadesmainly with the entry of women into the world of work and the autonomy that this entails, have allowed the majority of couples not to be based on a relationship of economic dependency of women with respect to men, but rather that they are established from what we could call a “emotional contract”.

In other words, in the life of the couple currently the emotional and sentimental life has much more weight than economic factors. Therefore, coexistence is no longer based so much on “I need you” as on “I love you”.

This invaluable progress supposes, on the other hand, that in relationships more priority to psychological development and personal and growth needs of each of the members and of the couple as such.

In addition, the couple has ceased to be an idealized entity. It is rather a style of coexistence that has been freely chosen and for which you have to work continuously to maintain it.

When do couple crises appear?

Given this gain in freedom, it can be said that the life of couples is much more fragile and is subject to many more crises than before.

A couple crisis is a state of conflict between the parties that occurs when the relationship stops contributing to one or both members of the couple the state of security, affectivity, sexual pleasure, etc. that he had allowed that relationship to begin and be maintained until that moment.

The life of a couple is comparable to the evolution of any living being, so that time does not pass in vain and at every moment of life one type or another of crises tends to appear.

In this sense, we can speak of the crises of the couple in the plural –not in the singular–, given that There are many reasons that can test the relationship.

Let’s see them in broad strokes:

On the first years. At first, discussions are often sparked by issues of adaptation in coexistencedue to the clash between different lifestyles and customs, due to the need to maintain personal space, due to discover facets of the other person that were overlooked at the stage of falling in love, etc. These little crises they are usually easily overcome with patience, dialogue and trust.during the intermediate stage. When a certain age is reached and the children get older, people tend to make a balance of your life. If in this review it is considered that the couple has become a routine, something that has frustrated a life project without contributing much in return or, also, if there is a personal crisis due to one’s own age, it can lead to a conflict that is difficult to solve. Perhaps a series of ailments that have been hidden for a long timeindividually or as a couple, and that can close all avenues of solution.In old age. Although these crises tend to be less frequent, many people, when they get older, with their children leaving home or when they retire, find a emptiness in married life. That causes a growing estrangement that it can become an insurmountable abyss if the issue is not faced with all sincerity with oneself and with the couple, so that it can be assessed -as it happened in the previous stage- if it is a personal crisis or a problem that remained latent and now emerges.

But it is not only time that makes a dent in the life of a couple, there are many reasons that can lead to a crisis. among the most frequent and severe the following should be noted:

The appearance of a third person. It is one of the classic reasons within couple conflicts and, although it does not always cause a break, it generates a serious confidence crisis.The loss of interest. If the attention towards the other person is not kept alive and rather a lack of interest towards them is produced -which does not mean that they are not loved- the relationship becomes more and more unbearable and coexistence is losing its meaning.Love also ends. Unlike the previous situation, in this case it is love that fades over time, without the appearance of a third person necessarily having to do with it. It is not so much that the idealized love of early times is extinguished, but rather that the affection and affection that are generated over the years are missing and that act as the mortar that solidifies the relationship. If this is missing, and sometimes it is unavoidable, it is very difficult for the relationship to be sustained.big personal differences. Just as relationships evolve, so do people. If this evolution is not harmonious, so that there are fewer and fewer points in common, both in interests and values, priorities, ways of seeing life, etc., a progressive estrangement occurs between the two that ends up making life in common incompatible.Unfulfilled expectations. Many times couples begin their journey thinking that the other will change those aspects that they dislike the most, that life together will iron out the differences and allow these and other expectations to be met. When this is not met, and it should be noted that if the expectations or expected changes are very large, it will be difficult to achieve them, Frustration appears and, with it, reproaches and repeated discussions.

How do you know if your partner is going through a crisis? alarm signals

As we see, in the course of a relationship conflicts are almost inevitable that can lead to more or less serious crises. Although we have already indicated some of the most frequent causes that can give rise to a crisis, that does not mean that may be aware that things are not going well.

That way it will be possible correct certain situations and conflicts before they seem irresolvable.

Taking into account that three of the most important pillars in a relationship are love, communication and trustthat one of them begins to resent it will be an alarm signal that should be paid attention to.

give and receive affection

Affection in the couple is fundamental but, in many cases, People tend to be more concerned with receiving than with giving. without taking into account that it is a reciprocal exchange.

Thus if one of the members of the couple feels uncared for, they easily stop being interested in the otherwhich encourages a vicious circle of criticism and reproach.

In a situation like this, it is preferable to try convey that feeling constructively and without making judgmentstrying to make the other aware of how one feels, of the differences in treatment that he thinks he observes, etc.

And all this without losing sight of the fact that, although love is not like a cactus but more like an orchid that must be treated delicately, it will not always be as it was at the beginning, as surprises and attention tend to diminish over time. .

take care of communication

This is another basic factor, since it is the channel through which the members of the couple share their experiences.

This means that it is necessary to learn to communicate taking into account the way of being of each one and respecting it –for example, you cannot ask an introverted person to constantly express their feelings–.

it suits talk calmly and relaxed –avoiding exasperation, irony and disrespect–, know how to empathize and put yourself in the place of the other, tolerate differences of opinion, be flexible, etc

If all this starts to fail, if silence and bad answers are the most remarkable noteyou have to try to find out between the two what is happening to be able to remedy.

Avoid distrust

The third warning sign is the mistrust in the other. Whoever perceives signs of mistrust, who is surprised checking their partner’s mobile phone or email or, conversely, has the feeling that they are checking it, it is because the shadow of suspicion and doubt has slipped in between the two.

Before proceeding with this type of inquiry, it is worth be brave and raise such doubts to try to solve them.

If these three pillars – love, communication and mutual trust – fail and there is no attempt to question or solve what is happening, sooner or later the couple will experience a conflict.

When is couples therapy useful?

The purpose of couples therapy is to show the protagonists the points where they are stuck and that, often, they are not what they thought were their real problems.

Is a good solution when there is a will to pull the couple forward and the honesty to talk about what is happening. The therapist will make his comments and instructions but ultimately it is the couple who must carry out the improvement work.

If you opt for professional help it is advisable to do it soon, when there is still hope and you really want to settle the disagreementssince too often this help is used as a last resort, when it is implicitly recognized that nothing can be fixed.

6 subjects for a couple

Certain abilities help to avoid more than one crisis or to overcome it. They can be summarized in a series of learning, which the couple can acquire in therapy, but also by themselves:

Communicate. Good communication involves much more than just talking: it means knowing how to listen to the other sincerely and knowing how to express oneself appropriately, especially when it comes to feelings.Share. You have to take into account the opinions and interests of both, be interested in the other: know how you feel, what you want, etc., as well as know how to ask for what you like or need without fear of feeling vulnerable for it. Learn, also, to share the economy looking for the most respectful and acceptable formula for the interest of both.Be related. A relationship takes a long time. It will therefore be necessary to dedicate a significant part of personal time to being with the couple sharing interests and hobbies. And learn to be together in difficult times by providing support and company.Be responsible for yourself. We must avoid generating dependency relationships in which everything that happens to us has to do with the other. Relationships are not there to solve anyone’s life: it is one thing to give each other support and advice, and another to pretend to guide the life of the other or to be guided by it.To surprise. Everyday life easily leads to monotony and repetition. You have to be able to motivate yourself with details, ideas and new projects in order not to give in to boredom.intercourse sexually. Sexuality occupies a central place in the life of the couple, but sexual desire is different for everyone and evolves over time. It is necessary to learn to live sexuality as a couple being sincere in everything that concerns this topic.

If the crisis is not resolved: how to deal with the break

Every crisis is bound to an outcome. In the couple, this ending will be given by reconciliation or separation.

The fact that a crisis is reached does not inexorably mean that the couple will break up. Crises can be overcome and the couple can emerge from them strengthened in their feelings and mutual trust.

For this, when difficulties arise, it is convenient…