How to deal with controlling people?

A boss who needs to supervise every detail of the work, a partner who makes decisions for us, a friend who pressures us to act according to their wishes… Controlling people can be present in many areas of our lives and dealing with them is often emotionally exhausting.. If you believe that there are people with these characteristics in your environment, we will show you how to act to free yourself from their influence.

First of all, it is necessary to know that the need for control is common to all individuals. However, when it interferes with the freedom and performance of other people, it is pathological and harmful.

Really, Behind a controlling person is an insecure human being. Despite the facade of apparent confidence and determination, there is actually a great fear: the fear of rejection, of not being needed, of losing the love and attention of others.

Control thus emerges as a mechanism to direct others and ensure their presence and affection. But how to manage relationships with these types of people?

Identify controlling people to deal with them

One of the main problems when dealing with controlling people is the difficulty in identifying that they are. Although it may seem simple, They are generally socially skilled, attractive, and persuasive.. Control and manipulation techniques can be subtle and disguised as good intentions.

Some of the characteristics that you can take into account are the following:

They do not respect the needs and desires of othersThey only seek to satisfy your expectations. With this goal, they seem unable to see, hear or understand others.They tend to take charge and take charge of all decisions and responsibilitiesalthough these surpass them.They are rigid and have a low tolerance for frustration.. They are unable to negotiate or make their plans more flexible; If these are not met, they experience great discomfort and may react with anger.They adopt paternalistic attitudes and may use emotional manipulation in their relationships. In this way, they make the other person believe that they know exactly what they need and, therefore, they should listen to them.They seek to generate a feeling of loyalty that leads the other person to have to constantly give in to your requests. They appeal to emotional ties or guilt to direct the lives of others.They try to socially isolate the other partyso that the only influence that person receives is theirs.

Don’t wear yourself out trying to reason

If you sense that the other person is trying to manipulate or coerce you, or is taking their need for control to the extreme, you may be tempted to tell them and talk some sense into them. However, these well-intentioned attempts rarely have any effect.

Remember that for them control is a necessity; They feel that if they lose it they are in danger. Therefore, they do not want to reason, but rather for you to adapt to what they require of you. They will find countless excuses and arguments to support their actions and make you feel out of place.. So, choose your battles well and don’t waste your energy on a useless debate.

Be assertive

It is unlikely that you will be able to change the controlling person’s mind; Therefore, your best tool will be assertiveness. It is important that you are clear about your point of view, your arguments and your decisions and that you remain firm in them.. You don’t need to make excuses or justify yourself, simply express with respect and clarity what you think, feel and want, and act accordingly.

They tend to be very insistent people, who will persevere to make you comply with their wishes, and will even seem upset if you don’t (especially if you previously used to give in to their requests). Even so, hold your position until the dynamics of the relationship change.

Set limits

Controlling people may not act the same way in all their relationships. The closer and more intimate these are, the more your need for control will increase. Therefore, it may be necessary to establish limits and mark distances.

The same person can behave very differently when they go from considering you their partner to considering you their friend; Therefore, reflect on how much control you want or can afford to give up.

In some cases, it will be necessary to cut the relationship. However, if this is not possible, try to maintain a degree of emotional closeness or distance that is comfortable for you.

Check what unites you with controlling people

If you distance yourself from a controlling person, they are likely to stop interfering in your affairs and telling you what to do and how to behave, simply because they will no longer be a part of your life. However, it is important that you review the conditions that have led you to get involved and stay in a relationship with someone like that.

Low self-esteem, the need to please others or the fear of conflict are some of them.. If you detect these patterns in yourself, be sure to work on them so as not to repeat this dynamic with another person in the future. And it is not enough to distance yourself from someone, it is essential to also cut off those parts of yourself that led to this happening.

In short, maintaining a close bond with a controlling person can be dangerous for your emotional health and sometimes the best decision is to walk away. When this is not possible (either because that individual is part of your family or your work environment) It is necessary to keep your temper, understand what is happening and be firm. In this way, we will avoid falling into constant conflicts and, by detecting attempts at control, we will be able to act with awareness and knowledge of what is happening.