Gaslighting: You’re not crazy and you could be being manipulated

The name is complicated and knowing if you are going through this situation, even more so. Gaslighting is a term with no literal translation, but it can be understood as manipulation. It is a subtle form of psychological violence that can cause serious damage to victims’ mental health. Keep reading to know the signs and know how to act in the face of this circumstance.

what is gaslighting

Psychologist Alethéia Skowronski Vedovati (CRP 08/23964) clarifies that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse within relationships. “When the victim is led to believe they are wrong or even crazy, even with all the evidence pointing to them being right,” she explains.

Victims begin to doubt their feelings and competences and, in some cases, even their sanity. Alethéia warns that the damage caused by this psychological violence can be very serious. “Gaslighting is a very harmful practice for those who suffer, as we have no way of measuring for sure in the short and long term what the consequences and impacts will be on the victim’s life, since it is something subjective”.

Data that show how much the problem is recurrent

It’s not mimimi and, no, you’re not crazy! Although there are no specific data on the occurrence of gaslighting, there are alarming numbers on psychological violence in Brazil. In 2017, women were victims in 81% of the cases of occurrences. Approximately 50,000 women are victims of psychological violence per year, and in 48% of the time, abuse occurs by partners or ex-partners.

The information was taken from Gênero e Número and presents data from 2017, the last year with available numbers. As this information is only available from the reported occurrences, the number of cases may be even higher.

Examples in art to better understand this psychological abuse

Several audiovisual productions depict cases of gaslighting and they can be great sources of learning. Films and series reinforce the perception that this is a real and serious problem. Check out some examples below:

Gaslight – 1944

The 1944 thriller film Gaslight, “À Meia Luz” in Portuguese, gave rise to the term gaslighting. In the plot, Paula is manipulated by her husband Gregory, who leads her to believe he is going crazy, while keeping her isolated from everyone.

Jessica Jones – 2015

The first season of the series portrays Jessica Jones, a former superheroine who is slowly rebuilding her life as a private detective. The series depicts the self-deprecation and other post-traumatic effects that can be suffered by a gaslighting victim.

Precious: A Story of Hope – 2009

The film portrays the life of Claireece Precious Jones and serves as a good example of how gaslighting can occur within the family. The character is psychologically abused by her mother and constantly raped by her father. An intense story that brings a lot of reflection.

Rosemary’s Baby – 1968

This classic horror movie also brings a gaslighting story into its plot. Rosemary, newly married and pregnant with her first child, sees her privacy invaded by neighbors with her husband’s connivance. Everyone around her makes her start to believe she’s going crazy.

Carol – 2015

Set in the 1950s, the film tells the story of Carol, a lesbian woman trapped in a failed marriage with the father of her child. The plot progresses with a romance between her and Therese, while Carol’s husband judicially questions her competence as a mother because of her sexual orientation.

13 signs you may be experiencing gaslighting

Gaslighting is a subtle form of violence that can take time to notice. Therefore, the following signs can serve as a test to know if you are experiencing this. Check out!

1. You doubt yourself constantly;
2. He has doubts about his sanity, he thinks he is going crazy;
3. Always apologizes, even when she’s not wrong;
4. Make excuses to justify your partner’s behavior to yourself;
5. He feels and knows – deep down – there is something wrong, but he cannot explain it;
6. You are always looking for good reasons to stay in the relationship, even though you are not satisfied with most of it;
7. You feel that you were once a happier, livelier and more energetic person;
8. You can’t impose limits or your will in discussions because you feel it doesn’t matter;
9. Tends to accept physical or verbal aggression because he thinks it’s his fault;
10. The other person tries to evade the responsibilities and behaviors they had by denying what they did;
11. He analyzes situations from the perspective of others, denies his own perspectives;
12. You feel you’re not good enough at anything, you’re doing everything wrong;
13. He has withdrawn from close people: friends, family, co-workers.

These are just a few situations that may indicate that you are experiencing gaslighting. Alethéia also reinforces that “it is common for the victim to be mentally and physically tired, in more serious states, even depressive”. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to the signs and seek help to get out of the situation.

In what types of relationships can gaslighting happen?

When we think of any form of violence against women, we often think that it only happens between a woman and her partner, but gaslighting can occur in other relationships as well. “It can happen in any type of relationship: love, family, fraternal, work relationships”, explains Alethéia.

That is, it can happen with a partner/ex-partner, but also between parents and children, within a company and in other forms of relationships. In most cases, the victims are women because of the structure of our society.

How to get rid of gaslighting

Alethéia explains that the first step to get out of this situation is to recognize what is happening. “There is no way to get out of an abusive situation without it being noticed, because only then can the next steps be taken”, completes the psychologist.

There are no rules for dealing with the situation, but it is important to seek psychological help and emotional support from those close to you. “It is very important to seek professional help, because when we are inserted in the context we cannot see the situation in an integral way”, explains Alethéia.

Testimonials to help you recognize gaslighting

Often, this form of violence happens without being noticeable. So reading some real stories can help you see the signs more clearly. Check out some testimonials from women who have gone through it.

Marina Figueiredo, 24 years old, copywriter “For me it is very difficult to understand what he was doing to me because I only saw that it was an abusive relationship recently. I can’t deny that the start was great. Then, after a while, everything changed, you know. Always, whatever happened, he managed to come out as the victim somehow. He was always very nervous and impulsive. I’ve seen him kicking the computer table because it broke. Anyway, he was always exalting himself and you know – all right! -, people have bad days. That’s what I thought and tried to understand. When it was me, when I was having a bad day, I always came off as the bad or the dramatic and I always ended up apologizing. I gave up a job in another city because he kept saying that I was going to move and forget about him, that he wouldn’t visit me if I moved, that he wanted me to stay close to him, etc. When I conquered something, no matter how small, he didn’t congratulate me, but said that “wow, everyone is achieving things in life and I’m here”. Then I felt bad for the things I had conquered. I almost gave up on a trip because of this. We were officially together for a year, but it was 3 years of rolling. He never had lunch at my house nor I at his. He didn’t date my friends and I didn’t date his. He said he didn’t want to mix things up and kept asking questions like: ‘Am I not enough for you? Aren’t you happy with what we have?’ And I couldn’t question. The same thing was about whether or not to have children. We never really discussed it, because he said he would never have children and that I wasn’t supposed to ask questions about it. There are several other situations, some that continued until after the end. It was a very long process until I realized it was abuse.”

Letícia Soares, 21 years old, self-employed “In my old job, after the employees had experienced an abusive situation, the superiors always tried to get around or avoid talking about the problem they had caused. They tried to go over the case and leave it behind. This created some panic because, as I was forced to forget about the situation, I kept questioning myself several times if it had really been a problem. I doubted several times about things I witnessed and kept wondering if I myself had created or increased the case in my head. I think I realized that this was a gaslight after having talked a lot with my close friends and after being able to analyze everything that happened when I was no longer with the company.”

Amanda Pires, 24, teacher “I had two situations with two former teammates. In the first, he stayed for a whole year rolling me up and giving me hope and being an amazing partner, while staying with others in front of me. When I complained he would say: ‘I told you I didn’t want anything serious’. I felt like crap, ended up agreeing with him and forgiving. In the second situation, it was more subtle things. He made me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex. He even made me let him know if he got on the bus coming home from work, and if I didn’t, he made me feel like a terrible girlfriend. He hid things from me and if I suspected something I was crazy and controlling. I only realized all this after I matured and got more in touch with feminism. A part of me blamed me a lot, but then I realized that we are all subject to it and that we each have a time to realize abuse. I believe that because it is something very painful, it is a defense of our mind at first. Today I feel I realized it at the right time.”

It can be difficult to realize that someone close to you is capable of harming you. Therefore, it is very important to seek psychological help in this and other similar situations. Also, try to stay informed and help inform the women close to you. So, better understand domestic violence and create an information network.