Fear of abandonment: when anxiety invades our relationships

It is known as abandonment anxiety, abandonment anxiety or separation anxiety. It is defined as an extreme fear that appears in some people, faced with the possibility of separating from a person they love. It appears in 40% of children and an unknown number of adults.

This condition was defined by psychiatrists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who developed the so-called “Attachment Theory”, based on a psychoanalytic perspective.

His research focused mainly on the relationship between children and their mothers. Over time, it has become visible that This condition also occurs in adult life, although always based on experiences experienced in childhood..

Anxiety about abandonment, the fear that doesn’t let us live

The fear of abandonment manifests itself in both children and adults. Now, it is common for it to appear in combination with other anxiety symptoms. We may be facing a specific and understandable fear or we may, on the contrary, be facing a psychological disorder.

Now, it should be noted that abandonment anxiety is a common part of a stage of our development.

On the other hand, as a study carried out at the University of Dundee in the United Kingdom points out, this permanent and obsessive anxiety due to fear of being abandoned, It usually appears in adulthood when borderline personality disorder (BPD or ‘borderline’) manifests itself.

We are therefore talking about profiles where this fear is permanent and appears in turn with maladaptive behaviors that affect the quality of life of the person and their environment. Experiencing abandonment anxiety occasionally, therefore, is not a problem.

Forms of abandonment anxiety

Abandonment anxiety occurs in two forms: attachment due to anxiety and attachment to abandonment.. In the first, which is the most typical, there is a strong dependence on a loved person and any hint of separation is experienced with strong doses of anxiety.

In the second, the opposite happens: the person becomes obsessed with being independent and avoids any situation that could lead to too deep emotional ties.

The situation usually originates when the child’s caregivers cannot, or do not want to, respond as a protective figure. facing the fears that the little one experiences. In this circumstance, the child can grow in two ways:

He continues throughout his life looking for the affection and care that he did not have during his childhood. He reacts defensively and becomes distant and distrustful so as not to again feel those voids that hurt him when he was little.

In adult life, abandonment anxiety It manifests itself mainly in the area of ​​the couple. People tend to repeat the relationship patterns we had with our parents and that is why childhood fears and expectations come into play again.

They almost always appear unconsciously, that is, We do not realize that many of our behaviors are due to those childhood experiences.but we think that they are part of a present without links to that distant past.

The echoes of abandonment

Of the 40% of children who experience abandonment anxiety, 4% reach worrying extremes. This is the case of children who, when faced with a delay in the parent’s arrival, panic and build terrible fantasies around that delay. They frequently think about the possibility that their mother or her caregiver will suffer an accident or illness and die.

There are also many physical manifestations. They feel stomach pain, or have vomiting and feelings of choking. Nightmares also become frequent and they experience night fears, fear of the dark and permanent restlessness.

Abandonment anxiety in adults

Adults with abandonment anxiety also experience these symptoms several times throughout their lives. Generally when they enter into a romantic relationship.

Almost everyone is reluctant to fall in love.Some of them take the step and then develop a strong dependence on their partner. They become controlling, needing attention at all times and extremely sensitive to any expression of autonomy on the part of their spouse. They cling to who they “love” in a way that usually suffocates the other.

In other cases They choose to have casual sex only, or inconsequential relationships with several people at the same time. There is distrust and despise of others with the purpose of not developing intimate ties.

To conclude, it should only be noted that if we experience this type of reality, we should not hesitate to request professional help. Approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy are usually very effective in these cases.

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