Empty chairs syndrome: absences that weigh on the parties

Fact Checked

Under review

People who are no longer here leave lasting voids. However, when the holidays arrive there are chairs that remain empty and those spaces hurt much more. How do you deal with those losses during these times of gathering and celebration?

The voids of those who are no longer there have a property: they materialize in the most unusual and painful ways possible. The person who left us still remains imprinted in the photographs we keep of him. His belongings and his solitary rooms speak to us of a yesterday in which his voices, projects and customs materialized daily.

Those who died occupy our hearts, but not our physical spaces. And this is evident when holidays such as their anniversaries and, of course, Christmas arrive. In those times when we dress for celebration, gather and offer gifts, absences hurt more than ever. So much so that we don’t know what to do with them.

It is not strange that many say that perhaps the best thing is not to celebrate anything and skip the glitter, the colored lights, the Christmas trees and the truffled tables of delicious dishes and delicacies. It is as if daring to laugh and enjoy was little more than an attack, a lack of respect for those who no longer inhabit this world. However, is this the most appropriate?

It is very difficult to laugh and enjoy the company of others when the loss of a loved one still hurts excessively.

Christmas is those periods when we remember most those who are no longer here.

What is empty chairs syndrome?

Have you lost a loved one this year? So, perhaps the approach of the Christmas holidays is a reason for sadness for you. It may even make your grieving process more difficult. You see how the cities are filled with lights, how your surroundings get excited about making plans, looking for gifts and getting caught up in this maelstrom so typical of these holidays.

Those who have experienced a loss often suffer from what is known as empty chairs syndrome when these types of celebrations arrive.. It consists of an intensification of emotions and a deeper feeling of said absence. Many experience a setback in their attempt to accept the new reality, as well as a greater flood of memories associated with the death of a loved one.

Read Also: Is it possible not to think or to stop thinking?

On the other hand, unhealthy thoughts often arise, of those that make the wound bigger. Ideas like “I wish I closed my eyes and none of this had happened”, “I don’t know what I’m going to do without this person” or “my life after this will no longer be for celebrations” create mental clouds of great suffering. Almost without realizing it, we entrench the grieving process itself.

The pain of a loss is like the waves of an ocean. Sometimes these waves of pain are soft and bearable and other times they attack us until we are left adrift, without knowing how to react. We are all required to learn to navigate the grieving processes.

How to cope with the holidays without a loved one?

The peculiarity of festivities, such as Christmas, is that, in general, they usually bring together people who have suffered the same loss. Children may have lost their mother or father. It is possible that one of the grandparents or even a sibling has been lost. They are events in which absences are experienced collectively and this makes it more challenging.

The empty chairs of those who are not there are metaphorical images of said absences. Something that no one is prepared for, but that sooner or later we must assume. Deaths and grief are obligatory learning that life brings us. Facing them in times of celebration is one more opportunity to move forward, to accept the situation. Let’s see how.

1. Not celebrating increases the pain: say yes to the family reunion

It would be easier to resort to avoidance, to not celebrate Christmas Eve, Christmas and the New Year. However, by avoiding those moments what we will do is intensify the pain. It is advisable to stay within normality and encourage those moments of togetherness with other loved ones.

2. Organize a small meeting to decide what to do and how

When a family is grieving, tasks can pile up and overwhelm us. Let’s not leave anything to chance or to the last minute, otherwise stress will arise and emotions will intensify. The most appropriate thing in these cases is agree on what we will do, who is in charge of each task, what is needed and how it will be done each task and process.

3. Let’s opt for simplicity

The peculiarity of the empty chairs syndrome is to stir our feelings. The festivities are not easy times and energy is at a minimum. Let’s opt for very simple and elementary celebrations, those that exclusively promote connection with our families.

It is not necessary to go out to dinner or have a home where the Christmas decorations even include dressing up our pet. Let’s avoid artificiality and focus on being together.

During celebrations it is appropriate to “reinterpret” the space of those who are no longer there. We can change that chair in which she sat and let others occupy it or we can leave it remembering her in a positive way.

4. Let’s not downplay emotions, expressing them is allowed

Research from the University of Granada, for example, highlights how emotional processing bias is installed in us during grief. It is common to avoid, repress or hide what we feel, thinking that it is the most appropriate, the most lawful thing for others. Let us be clear that this is a completely wrong idea.

During our Christmas celebrations we are allowed to talk, get emotional and even cry if we need to.. Likewise, it is good to understand that each member of the family expresses their grief in a certain way. In these cases, it is necessary to pay attention to the children, let’s try to get them to express themselves, to remember the absent person as they wish, for example, with drawings.

5. Positive reminders of those who are no longer here

Empty chairs syndrome is another process of grief itself. At some point a birthday, Christmas or any event will come that will make us remember those who are no longer here.. More than one regret, more than one anger and one painful memory will come to mind. However, on that journey towards acceptance we must manage these moments.

Read Also: Élan Vital: the force that pushes us to fulfill ourselves

In this way, one way to do it is by remembering those positive, magical and wonderful moments that we lived with that being. Doing it collectively and as a family can be healing. It is a way to celebrate his life, to shine light on the wound so that the mark of the person who left us is honored.

Remembering those who are no longer among us, evoking positive moments, will be cathartic and healthy.

Nobody has said that duels are easy. Nor are they a quick process that meets fixed standards. Everyone needs their time and each person will feel relief by embracing some acts and not others. So, something we must understand is that losses will always hurt, but they will come like the waves of the sea. Some will be soft and bearable and others will destabilize us a little more.

It is common to feel greater sadness and nostalgia during the holidays. It is normal and understandable. Let us lean on our loved ones and embrace the memory of those who are no longer in our hearts.. It is there where it will live forever and in the end, we will manage to live with said absence.