Empathy: what characterizes the people who possess it?

Empathy is an art, an exceptional ability genetically programmed in our brain with which to tune in to the feelings and intentions of others. However, and here comes the problem, not everyone manages to “turn on” this flashlight that illuminates the process of building the most solid and enriching relationships.

Something we hear frequently is that “such a person does not have empathy”, “that other person is selfish and completely lacks it”. Well, something that is important to clarify from the beginning is that Our brain has a very fine-tuned architecture through which to promote this “connection”. Empathy, after all, is one more strategy with which to mediate the survival of our species: it allows us to understand the person in front of us and makes it easier for us to establish a deep relationship with them.

We have two ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as we speak

-Epithet-

That brain structure where neuroscience has located our empathy is in the right supramarginal gyrus, a point located right between the parietal, temporal and frontal lobes. Thanks to the activity of these neurons, we manage to separate our emotional world and our cognitions to be more receptive at a given moment to those of others.

Now, with this information clarified, the next question would be, then… If we all have this brain structure, why are there people who are more or less empathetic and even those who have a total and absolute absence of it? We know, for example, that Antisocial personality disorder has as its main characteristic that lack of emotional connection with others. However, leaving aside the clinical or psychopathological aspect, there are many people who simply do not develop this ability.

Early experiences, educational models or even the social context cause this wonderful faculty to weaken in favor of a very marked social egocentrism. So much so, that as a study carried out at the University of Michigan reveals, Today’s college students are up to 40% less empathetic than students in the 80s and 90s.

Useful empathy vs projected empathy

A basic aspect that should be clarified from the beginning is what we mean by useful empathy, because although it may surprise us, It is not enough to simply “have empathy” to build solid relationships or to show emotional effectiveness in our daily interactions.

“The most precious gift we can give to others is our presence. When our mindfulness embraces those we love, they bloom like flowers.”

-Thich Nhat Hanh-

To understand it we will give you a simple example. María has just arrived home tired, mentally exhausted and upset.. She just had an argument with her parents. When Roberto, her partner, sees her, he immediately reads in her expression and tone of voice that something is not right, he interprets her emotional discomfort and instead of generating an appropriate response or behavior, he chooses to apply projected empathy, that is, amplify that negativity even more with phrases like “Now you’re angry again, you just take things too hard, the same thing always happens to you, look at your face…”

There is no doubt that many people are skilled at empathizing emotionally and cognitively with others (they feel and understand what is happening), however Instead of mediating in the channeling and proper management of this discomfort, they intensify it.
The person skilled in empathy, therefore, is the one capable of putting themselves in other people’s shoes, knowing at all times how to accompany them in this process without causing harm and without acting as a mirror where the pain is amplified.. Because Sometimes it is not enough to understand, you have to know how to ACT.

Authentic empathy leaves judgment aside

Our judgments dilute our ability to truly approach others. They place us on one side, on one side of the glass, in a very reduced perspective: ours. It should also be said that It is not exactly easy to listen to someone without passing internal judgments, without putting a labelwithout evaluating that person as skilled, clumsy, strong, clueless, mature or immature.

We all do it to a greater or lesser degree, however, if we were able to get rid of that suit, we would see people in a more authentic way, we would empathize much better and we would more accurately capture the emotion of the other.

It is something we should practice daily. An ability that, according to several studies, usually comes as we get older, since empathy, as well as The ability to listen without judging is more common as we accumulate experiences.

People with empathy have good emotional awareness

Empathy is an essential part of Emotional Intelligence. We know that this approach, this very successful science or area of psychology and personal growth is fashionable, but… Have we really learned to be good managers of our emotional world?

The truth is, not much. Currently, we continue to see many people who use terms such as self-regulation, resilience, proactivity, assertiveness lightly and with supposed effectiveness… However, They lack an authentic emotional inventory and continue to let themselves get carried away by anger, rage or frustration like a 4-year-old child would do.Others, on the other hand, think that being “empathetic” is synonymous with suffering, like an emotional contagion where you feel what others feel to experience the same pain of others as a kind of mimicry of discomfort.

It’s not appropriate. We must understand that Healthy, useful and constructive empathy comes from that person who is capable of managing their own emotions, who has strong self-esteemwho knows how to set limits and who, in turn, is skilled when it comes to emotionally and cognitively accompanying others.

Neuroscience and modern psychology define the Empathy as the social glue that holds people together and that in turn, generates a real and strong commitment between us.

“If you don’t have empathy and effective personal relationships, no matter how smart you are, you won’t get very far.”

-Daniel Goleman-

As curious as it may seem, In the animal kingdom the concept of empathy is very present for a very specific reason that we pointed out at the beginning: the survival of the species. Something like this causes many animals and various species to show cooperative behaviors where the classic idea of “survival of the fittest” is left behind. An example of this can be seen in certain whales, capable of attacking orcas to defend the seals.

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However, among us the opposite effect predominates in many cases, namely, the need to impose ourselves on each other, to look for enemies, to raise borders, to create walls, to make people invisible or even to attack the weakest just for being weak or different (let’s think about cases of bullying).

For its part, People who are characterized by authentic empathy believe in social commitment. Because survival is not a business nor should it involve politics, interests or selfishness. Surviving is not just allowing our hearts to pump, it is having dignity, respect, it is feeling valued, free and part of a whole where we are all valuable.