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Hello friends!
Since August 2016 I started studying Non-Violent Communication (NVC), also called Compassionate Communication. CNV’s main objective is to teach us how to express our observations, feelings, needs and requests and listen to other people’s needs, in a way that everyone’s life is enriched – in a win-win relationship.
empathetic listening
I’ve learned a lot these last ten years as a clinical psychologist and I consider it fundamental to have learned that we don’t always have to do something. Jacques Allain-Miller, of Lacanian psychoanalysis, used to say that the analyst has to get rid of the guilt of doing nothing.
Don’t misunderstand. It’s not that the psychologist stands still just waiting for the time to pass. We have thousands of techniques, assessments and procedures, but you need to be sensitive to the patient’s current needs (in the session). Explaining better, in some moments of a service, or in an entire service, the best procedure is just to listen carefully. It’s called empathic listening.
Empathetic listening is not about being silent saying ahem, hmm, but about being fully present for the person in front of you, giving space and time for them to express themselves freely.
Of course, empathetic listening is not limited to our office work. In an ideal world, all conversations would be conversations where there would be connection, where one person would listen sympathetically to the other.
What blocks empathic listening
When we listen to someone on a daily basis, we often interrupt the speech and superimpose something of our own. This causes the connection to be lost and there is often frustration and misunderstandings. Some common behaviors that frequently occur and block empathic listening:
⁃ advise: “I think you should… as you didn’t…”
⁃ brag: “this is nothing, listen to what happened to me…”
⁃ educate: “this can turn into a positive experience for you if you…”
⁃ console: “it wasn’t your fault, you did the best you could”
⁃ tell a story: “this reminds me of the time when…”
⁃ cut: “ah, stop. Don’t be so bad…”
⁃ sympathize: “oh too bad for you…”
⁃ ask: “since when did this start?”
⁃ explain: “I would have called but…”
⁃ correct: “this is not what happened” (Marshal Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication, chapter 7).
What to do to promote empathic listening
In addition to trying to avoid these behaviors listed above – when what the person wants is to express themselves freely and have not asked for advice, criticism, judgment, or anything like that – what we must do to promote empathic listening is quite simple. Very simple and extremely effective. And this procedure was used extensively in Rogers’ humanistic psychology, with success, and in non-violent communication: reflect or paraphrase.
In moments when we just want to open our heart and say how we are feeling, or something that happened (an observation), or a need, a desire, a will, it’s great to have the impression that we are being really heard. And the way that most reassures us that we are being listened to attentively – along with certain non-verbal cues – is when the other person tells us what we have just said, as an echo, a reflection, a paraphrase.
Let’s see an example from Rogers, in the book become a person🇧🇷 Note how Rogers just listens and reflects what the patient (or client – C) has said before.
Psychotherapy at Rogers
C: It doesn’t seem possible for anyone to report all the changes they feel. But I’ve certainly felt lately that I have more respect for my physical makeup, more objectivity about it. I mean I don’t expect too much of myself. This is how it works: it seems to me that in the past I used to fight a certain tiredness that I felt after meals. Well, now I’m quite sure that I really am tired – that I’m not playing tired – that I’m simply physiologically weaker. It seems that I was constantly criticizing my tiredness.
T: So you let yourself be tired, instead of feeling, in addition, a kind of criticism.
C: Yeah, that I shouldn’t be tired or something. And it seems to me in a way that it’s quite profound that I just can’t fight this tiredness, and this is also accompanied by a real feeling that I have to slow down, so being tired isn’t such a horrible thing. . I think I can also kind of make a connection here as to why I should be like this, the way my dad is. and the way you look at some of those things. For example, let’s say I was sick, and I told him, and it would seem that openly he would like to do something about it, but it would also come across as, “Oh my God, more problems.” You know, something like that.
T: As if there is something quite annoying about being physically ill.
C: Yes, I’m sure my father has the same disregard for his own physiology that I did. Last summer I sprained my back, strained it, heard it crack and all. First there was real pain there all the time, really sharp. I went to the doctor to examine me and he said it wasn’t serious, that it would heal on its own as long as I didn’t bend over too much. Well, that was a few months ago and I’ve been realizing lately that oh my, it’s real pain and it’s still there — and it’s not my fault.
T: That doesn’t prove anything bad about you.
C: No. And one of the reasons I seem to get more tired than I should maybe is this constant tension, and so I’ve already made an appointment with one of the doctors at the hospital to check me out and take an X-ray or something. In a way I guess you could say I’m just more accurately sensitive or objectively sensitive to that sort of thing… And that constitutes a really profound change as I said, and evidently my relationship with my wife and my two kids is fine, you don’t. would recognize it if you could see inside me like btw did you i mean it just seems like there is nothing more wonderful than truly and genuinely really feeling love for your own children and at the same time receiving it. I don’t know how to put this. We’ve both had a growing respect for Judy and we’ve noticed that — as we’ve been participating in this and we’ve seen a huge change in her — this seems to be a pretty profound kind of thing.
T: Sounds to me like you’re saying you can listen more accurately to yourself. If your body says it’s tired, you listen to it and believe it instead of criticizing it; if it’s in pain, you can hear it; if the feeling is really love for your wife or children, you can feel it, and this seems to reveal itself in the differences caused in them.
Conclusion
In this brief text, I tried to show what empathic listening is. Listen carefully, create connection with the other person who is expressing himself. It is not out of malice that sometimes we want to tell our story, give advice, etc. It can also be a need to express our point of view or to ourselves.
However, many times when we do this, we interrupt what the other person was trying to formulate and say and we miss out on a great opportunity to bridge and learn what the other person is thinking and feeling.
Empathic listening is, in short, being present and open to listening and reflecting (saying again) what we have just heard. Take the test and then comment on what a wonderful experience it is for you and the other.
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