Emotional loneliness is what hurts the most

Emotional loneliness can be devastating. After all, as we well know, one can be accompanied but feel deeply alone by not experiencing appreciation, attention, reciprocity and that authentic connection that generates calm and well-being. We all need that honest and meaningful support with which we feel part of something or someone we love.

The British writer Julian Barnes explained to us in his book Living standards that Few things can be more painful than unchosen loneliness. Thus, according to him there is nothing comparable to the emotional pain that can be experienced when losing someone or realizing that the person we love does not belong to us.

It is a state where little by little we become invisible. Not only for others, not only for that social universe inhabited by individuals who suddenly do not see us or do not appreciate us. The moment others do not see us, we also begin to perceive ourselves as invisible and experience that psychological anguish that leads us to the abyss of depression.

When love (whether at the level of a couple, friendship or between parents and children) is replaced by pain, everything changes. Now, it is necessary to understand one aspect. The fact that someone leaves us physically or withdraws their affection from us is something irreplaceable, but not irreparable.. We can all (and should) repair that wounded space by filling it with self-love and, in turn, initiating new behaviors.

Emotional loneliness, the unsought emptiness

Richard Yates was a well-known essayist who wrote between 1951 and 1960 a set of stories published under the title Eight ways to feel alone. In this interesting work we were told the story of a pregnant young woman, a child without friends, a frustrated writer, some young people who go on a trip, a man who cannot find love and a school teacher frustrated in her profession.

These simple portraits represented in themselves the different types of loneliness that human beings experienced in a very specific period of the 20th century. Today, things haven’t changed much. Nevertheless, To these testimonies left by Yates we could undoubtedly add that of our adolescents and of course that of our elderly.

We can have a family and feel alone. We can have a partner and feel hopelessly alone. Because unchosen social loneliness is painful and even harmful, but emotional loneliness is just as harmful. Let’s therefore see what processes usually define this type of experience.

Characteristics of emotional loneliness

Emotional loneliness is experienced due to two very specific types of realities. The first is having lost a loved one, either due to death due to a breakup.. The second type is perceived in people who, even having a family or friendship network, perceive an emotional void. In both cases, the experiences are usually of the same type:

The interactions maintained with the immediate environment are not satisfactory.The person feels misunderstood, not emotionally validated.There are those who define this sensation as “existential emptiness.”. Sometimes, they can carry out multiple tasks, even spend the day outside the home working, doing things… However, that gap, that impossible-to-define absence is still present.Emotional loneliness generates discomfort and feelings of sadness that instantly alternate with apathy, bad mood and frustration.There are times when this experience is distressing, thus sharing the same emotional states as depression and anxiety.

How can we combat emotional loneliness?

Facing and managing emotional loneliness can be more complicated than working on social loneliness. We are not talking about isolation, sometimes, we do not even just have a person with difficulties in terms of their social skills. It is a deeper and more delicate type of psychological reality.

In these cases it is very convenient to have the help of a professional. Behind these states, a depressive process that needs to be addressed is often masked. It is not enough to recommend to the person that “Go out and make friends.” It is necessary to deepen, work, refocus, provide relief, support and be able to generate changes.

On the other hand, there are many who consider loneliness as an epidemic that is establishing itself not only in older people. Our children and adolescents also suffer emotional distress when they perceive that the friendships they establish are not meaningful., and that do not have that very basic dimension in human beings: trust. Let’s see, however, what mental approaches and strategies can help us in these cases.

Keys to alleviate the emptiness of emotional loneliness

Emotional loneliness hurts because it brings us face to face with our greatest fears: the emptiness, the lack of meaning, the existential anguish. All fear, all anguish, can and You must face new mental approaches and, above all, decisions.If we have lost a loved one, we must give way to accepting that reality. It will be time to bond with ourselves and shape a new life plan, a new personal route where we can find new dreams, plans and motivations. Likewise, if our environment does not give us affection, reciprocity or trust, perhaps we should rethink the generate new ties and relationships. In these cases, It is highly recommended to meet people with similar tastes. Starting from a common passion or hobby is a way to create more meaningful bonds. On the other hand, as revealed by a study carried out at the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, University of Chicago, people need safe social environments to experience well-being. Therefore, investing resources to surround ourselves with people who offer us security and trust will always give us returns.

To conclude, we can only emphasize one fact once again: to face emotional loneliness we need psychological help. We must work on our psychological architecture, repair damage, strengthen self-esteem and above all, find a purpose in life. Just as Viktor Frankl told us, when we find meaning in our existence, strengths awaken.

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