Don’t leave me, please: the fear of abandonment in a couple

Feeling safe in any area of ​​our lives is essential to experiencing well-being, but it is especially so in relationships. If there is security, trust and protection will arise, but if this feeling is threatened by the ghosts of the past, fears will come to the fore. Among them, the fear of abandonment.

The insecurity caused by the fear of being abandoned can undermine a relationship, especially when it is the result of a broken and silenced childhood. Unintentionally, those who harbor this fear obsessively may end up causing the other person to confirm what they think through their behavior or causing the relationship to become so destructive that both members become trapped in a spiral of discomfort and suffering.

Being afraid that the relationship will not work out in a timely manner is normal. However, Living in a continuous situation of mistrust and hypersensitivity to rejection only causes discomfort and instability. Let’s look in greater depth at what the fear of being abandoned entails.

The importance of the attachment bond

During the first year of life We establish an emotional bond with our primary caregiver, known as attachment. Through this relationship and the type of bond we build, each of us will acquire a series of emotional capacities that we will put into play in our future interpersonal relationships.

The fact that the bond was not established or that it did not cover our physical and emotional needs may have conditioned us. we would grow up feeling unprotected, insecure and distrustful. This is one of the causes established by attachment theory to explain the deep feeling of abandonment that many people experience even though they are surrounded by others who love them. Let’s take an example to understand it.

A baby is hungry because he hasn’t eaten for several hours. He feels a great activation of his body and the only behaviors he shows are crying and agitating. Her mother, as the main care figure in this case, captures the signals she emits and interprets that she is hungry. Because? Because she has learned to detect her physical and emotional needs and calm them, relating to him. Thus, she will restore her physiological and emotional balance.

If the baby repeatedly experiences this type of experience, he will end up seeking physical proximity to his mother with the confidence of being calmed and regaining balance.. Later in development, the child will be able to endure discomfort just by seeing his mother approach or saying, “I’m coming.” Finally, when something happens to him as an adult, he will calm down thinking that in a few hours he will meet a family member, his partner or a friend. His brain has learned that it can be calmed and that it is a permanent sensation.

Now, if the child’s brain has never experienced that feeling of calm or the belief that a state of tranquility can appear after discomfort, the adult brain won’t either. You will not feel confident in an intimate relationship or as a couple because you have not learned it.

Besides, The absence of contact and lack of care lead to greater production of adrenaline in the brainwhich predisposes to more aggressive and impulsive behaviors and great difficulty in emotional management.

The trace of the emotional wound of abandonment in the couple

As we see, There are wounds, such as the feeling of abandonment, that although we do not see them, they remain rooted. deep within us and are capable of conditioning a good part of our lives. Situations experienced in childhood that leave their mark and are capable of tearing us apart from the inside, without us realizing it.

Bowlby established that emotional ties formed in childhood persist in the form of models in the representational world of the adult. A statement that Hazan and Shaver agree with through their research. In them they showed that adult behavior in couple relationships is shaped by the mental representations originating in the relationship between the child and his or her main caregiver.

Thus, the fear of abandonment in relationships has its roots in childhood. Are the ghosts of the past that return, along with insecurity, to remember that one is not worthy of receiving love or good treatment. They generally appear because the brain receives an alarm signal.

A word, a place, a behavior or a memory are enough to activate the emergency situation in the person who never felt completely safe. From there, an accumulation of emotions and behaviors begin to happen: instability, apathy, sadness…

On the other hand, The person who experiences fear of abandonment usually develops emotional dependence towards the other, needing your approval frequently. Hence, even if the relationship is toxic, it is incapable of ending or distancing itself. It is as if he were nobody without the other and to maintain it he is capable of doing anything. Everything except reopening his old wounds.

In some cases, The fear of abandonment generates a kind of addiction to non-valuation and self-hatred. The person, not feeling loved or safe at any time, needs to confirm that this identity is still there. Which is why if she finds protection and security, she ends up despising it or not believing it. Her reality is formed by the deep trace of unmanaged post-traumatic stress.

Heal the fear of abandonment

The fear of abandonment is a very deep emotional wound, rooted in childhood. Healing this wound involves accepting and forgiving the past to let it go. A complex task, especially if the person is not aware of how he is conditioned by his previous experience or if his defenses, which have been built as protection, are too impermeable. In fact, In more complex cases it is advisable to go to a professional It helps, especially with the first steps.

Another aspect to take into account when working is self-esteem. It is usually cracked, even broken. In this sense, Learning to value yourself is essential to break the trap of emotional dependence. Furthermore, with good self-esteem it will be much easier to manage emotions and thoughts anchored in past experience.

Emotions such as anger, resentment, fear or sadness are very common in people who are afraid of being abandoned. Learning to reduce their intensity, to decipher what they really want to say and to transform it to reinvent themselves is essential.Negative assumptions and expectations are also elements to take into account. Most of the time it is the thought that gives power to our fears, making them bigger. If we are afraid of being left, we will be more aware of our partner’s behaviors and words and we will even misinterpret them so that they confirm what we fear.

As we see, Healing the fear of abandonment involves rebuilding ourselves. A process that requires time and above all, learning to prioritize yourself and uncover fears. Without forgetting that on many occasions, what we believe is happening outside is nothing more than the projection of the traces of what breaks us inside.

You might be interested…