Do we have to forgive the abuser to overcome the pain?

Is forgiveness necessary to overcome the pain of abuse? What does psychology tell us about this? If you want to know the answer to these questions, keep reading!

Forgiving is an action that is sometimes extremely difficult to practice. Forgiveness consists of sending the message to those who caused us pain and suffering that our lives will continue.despite what happened and that we are not going to waste our valuable time thinking about someone who does not deserve our thoughts, our tears, or even one more second of our time.

Of course, Forgiveness has the power to set us free, since if it is true and we believe in it, we get rid of resentment, the thirst for revenge and hatred.feelings that by feeding them only harm ourselves and those who support us.

Nevertheless, It is important not to confuse forgiveness with forgetfulness.. If someone has hurt us a lot on a physical or psychological level, as in the case of sexual abuse, we will not forget it because our mind is prepared to facilitate learning, precisely through experiences.

That mark will remain in our soul forever, but it is important that we learn to live with it and live as normal and functional a life as possible, despite everything.

What is forgiveness and what is not?

As we have explained, To forgive is to stop wasting our time, our being and our life suffering for something that is already unchangeable.. What happened, happened, and we do not have the ability to erase that painful event from the past, but we do have the power to build our present and our future.

Forgiveness is understanding that we still have a lot of time ahead of us, to carry out new exciting projects, to meet wonderful people who will give us a lot of wisdom and well-being, to fall in love, travel, enjoy our hobbies…

And that no one, absolutely no one, can clip our wings to carry out all this, unless we ourselves allow it and give them that power.

Forgiveness means that in our thoughts there is more of the present and future than the past.. It is abandoning the regrets of what is no longer in our hands and replacing them with the hope of what is yet to come. It is not leaving our mind at the mercy of distressing and dark memories, but forcing it to come to the here and now.

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But be careful: forgiveness is not about passing on everything that has happened as if it were nothing, as if it were not something important, of course it is. That is why forgiving is accepting, but it is not conforming. You have to act, move, try to make the abuser pay for what he has done, so that his actions have consequences.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting everything overnight, that is impossible. You have feelings and that wound has to drain to heal.

You have the right and it is beneficial to go to therapy, to have someone listen to you, understand how you are feeling and be able to express yourself. Over time, wounds heal…

Grief will lead us to forgiveness

Obviously, forgiving is a difficult act, taking into account that, for example, if we talk about sexual abuse, our self-esteem has been devastated, fear floods us and hopelessness runs through our being. And it is normal, that is why it is important to know that We can only forgive when we have already grieved.

If emotions exist, it is for some justified reason. Nature has not placed things just because. Negative but healthy emotions, such as sadness, will help us assimilate everything that has happened and express our pain.. Once this process is completed, we can carry out the act of forgiving and return to our life or even create changes and make it better.

To grieve well, the first thing you have to know is that feeling sad, getting angry at the world and having negative thoughts is normal, don’t judge yourself for it. It is a wound that is bleeding right now.

You will go through different phases: denial, anger, depression, acceptance… Don’t worry, live them as part of the emotional healing that you have to go through. After all these stages and once we come to accept what happened, we can, and it is beneficial for us to do so, move on to the action of forgiving the person who hurt us.

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For it, You have to think that people who commit bad acts are not bad people, but rather sick or confused people.. Basically, most of the time, fortunately this is true and I say fortunately because we can intervene in the face of the two causal explanations.

You have a lot of life ahead of you for millions of good things to happen to you and it is not worth staying clinging to the past for longer than necessary.

Benefits of forgiveness

Research in positive psychology shows that forgiveness has a positive impact on overall well-being:

Reduces negative affect and depressive symptoms.Restores positive thinking.Improve relationships.Reduces anxiety.Strengthens spirituality. Increases self-esteem.Increase hope.Improves the ability to manage conflicts. Increases the ability to cope with stress and find relief.

How to work on forgiveness

Some essential elements to approach working on forgiveness with victims of abuse are:

Forgiveness is a difficult, long and slow process, so it is advisable to take the necessary time and not rush the processes. It is important to validate the feelings victims express without blaming them. Accept that crime is part of one’s life. It is not about trying to act “as if nothing happened” and forget it, but about finding a place for it and being able to continue living. The recovery process includes finding hope for the future and meaning in life. It is important to overcome helplessness and lack of control and facilitate responsibility for one’s own life, for the future. It is essential that victims establish boundaries and decide what people they want in their life and how they want to be treated by them. Self-forgiveness is a critical step in victims’ recovery. This helps people understand that the problem is not them, but the problem is the behavior of the aggressor.

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Finally, remember that you have the capacity for resilience, that is, to stay afloat despite the adversity that has befallen you.. Draw out that strength and continue your life in the most normal way you can, little by little, but do not stop or abandon your projects and dreams. In the end, you will realize that only forgiveness will set you free.