Condescension or the hidden face of narcissism

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Condescension encompasses the care that one person provides to another from an attitude of superiority. It is the cradle of false kindness and the cause of many relationships that are ultimately unsatisfactory.

Condescension is an attitude not only socially accepted, but also very welcome in some circumstances due to its ability to avoid conflict. Almost everyone likes it when others are kind, even when that kindness is fake. What is the problem, then? There is no problem as such, but there is a loss of value in communication.

Condescension makes relationships with others maintain a certain harmony, but The price we pay for this is an artificiality that is hardly going to make us feel good.. Furthermore, this attitude could also be an expression of narcissism.

Condescension is more of a socially conditioned behavior than a virtue. It is easily confused with genuine kindness, courtesy or tolerance. What is the difference? In sincerity, in the broad sense of this word. You can be frank, without giving up kindness, tolerance or even courtesy. On the other hand, condescension always leaves a bitter residue.

“By how we perceive and welcome others, those who are different, our degree of barbarism or civilization can be measured. Barbarians are those who consider that others, because they do not look like them, belong to an inferior humanity and deserve to be treated with contempt or condescension.”.

-Tzvetan Todorov-

Sometimes the price of condescension is artificiality in relationships.

What is condescension?

The Royal Spanish Academy (RAE) defines the word condescend as follows:

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To accommodate, out of kindness or convenience, to someone’s taste and will. To accept or tolerate with sufficiency or disdain.’

Condescension out of kindness It would be an expression of empathy. It refers to specific actions in specific circumstances. For example, an elderly person’s umbrella slips; someone who passes by her, bends down and picks it up from the ground, to give it back to her, even if this means arriving half a minute later for his appointment. It also occurs when someone acts disproportionately following the dictates of anger. Sometimes this attitude is not reproached because the victim understands that the other person is going through a bad time.

The other meaning of condescension lacks that empathy, but pretends to have it. It occurs when one deliberately minimizes, infantilizes or demeans the other person and from this depreciation, one is apparently kind or considerate towards that person. In that case, condescension is an expression of superiority, even if the latter is disguised in good manners.

Condescension and narcissism

Condescension is present in many everyday behaviors, but it often goes unnoticed because to the observer they may seem like polite gestures. The authors of these attitudes feel that they are doing a favor; the recipients have the feeling that, in effect, something was done for them, but that it left them with a taste of discomfort.

A classic example is unsolicited advice or advice that comes with a tinge of poison. As in an argument, when someone offends, and then reproaches the other for getting angry. It is not acceptable that, after attacking or offending, someone starts giving self-control lessons.

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Condescension is also present in self-serving praise. They are sentences that usually include adversarial elements, such as “but” or “although.” “You are very intelligent, even though you never study” or “you did your work very well, but you keep making mistakes.” The use of nicknames that ironize or belittle is also falsely polite; like the boss who calls his employee “boss”; or the one who calls Mr. Miguel, the janitor, “Miguelito.”

Condescension without empathy leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

Condescension and directness

No one feels good when someone else talks to them as if they were their father, or as if they had some type of psychological or cognitive impediment. Sometimes you don’t notice it, but you always feel it. That is why some people show a certain rejection of those who, on the surface, seem very friendly.

This is also why some friendships or couples don’t quite fit together. There is “something” that makes communication artificial and leaves one without knowing what to say or what to feel. Like when they pat us on the shoulder or head and add “Very good boy!” and it is experienced as if that person were talking to his pet.

No. Condescension is not, as a general rule, a healthy attitude. Openness is essential to creating meaningful and healthy connections with others. Being sincere is not being brutal or rude. You can be empathetic and frank at the same time.. This is how mature relationships are built that enrich life.