Cheating: understand what its implications are in a relationship

Relationships, whether family, love or friendship, are based on partnership and trust. There is no doubt how good it is to share life with those you love. However, ties can be broken when expectations are frustrated and a betrayal takes place. Want to understand more about it? Check out below what psychologist Isabela Oliveira Boitar says (CRP 06/144562), a specialist in family intervention.

what is betrayal

Since always, betrayal has been present in novels, films, theaters, music, books and art in general. Commonly represented in love relationships, it causes emotion and empathy on the part of the spectator, precisely because of the thought that everyone, at some point, has already been betrayed by someone with whom they had a relationship.

But what constitutes a betrayal? On this questioning, Isabela Boitar first clarifies that “every relationship has a contract, in which there are expectations about what should or should not happen in the relationship and outside of it”.

These expectations, as the psychologist points out, may or may not be explicit and “vary according to the culture, the historical and social moment”. Based on this idea, it is possible to understand infidelity as what you do hidden from your partner, friend or family member, because you know he or she would disapprove or be disappointed. Complementing this statement, the professional says: “When one of these promises is broken, there is a possibility that one of the people in the relationship will feel betrayed”.

types of betrayal

By understanding that betrayal is the breach of a pre-established contract, often unconsciously, it is possible to imagine that it can happen in different ways and in different types of relationships. Below, the psychologist talks about the main types:

Breaking some promise

Failure to fulfill a promise in a relationship is characterized as a type of betrayal. According to the expert, this occurs when “the agreement in the relationship is broken by one or both of those involved”, generating frustration and, consequently, suffering. In addition, it can occur in love, family, friendship and even work relationships.

Alliance against each other

This is a type of betrayal commonly observed in friendship bonds, but it can also happen in the family environment and in romantic relationships. For the psychologist, this infidelity occurs “when someone in the relationship joins another person to criticize their partner”.

sexual infidelity

The best known type of betrayal, which is usually portrayed by the most diverse forms of art. Totally related to closed love bonds, Isabela Boitar explains that this type of infidelity occurs “when there is sexual intercourse outside the relationship”, without the consent of the other person in the relationship.

emotional infidelity

Also present in romantic relationships, emotional infidelity – or affective, as it is also known – is characterized, according to the professional, by the establishment of “an emotional bond with another person”, someone who is not part of the relationship. It’s a type of cheating where you emotionally dedicate yourself to someone outside of the relationship, even though you know it’s something that would displease your partner.

virtual infidelity

As can be seen in the previous item, betrayal in a love relationship does not only occur when there is physical contact, which is exactly why Isabela Boitar mentions virtual infidelity. According to her, this type of betrayal occurs “when there is a relationship through social networks”, with a person outside the relationship and without the approval of the partner.

A healthy relationship with a loving partner, friend or family member requires loyalty, sincerity and affective responsibility. Without it, the bond can be consumed by lack of trust and conflict.

What to do after a betrayal?

Feeling betrayed generates a lot of suffering and causes a series of questions about what to do or not to do. Thinking about it, the psychologist highlighted some fundamental things that must be done after the discovery of a betrayal. Look:

• Recognize and validate the suffering present in this situation;
• Talk about it with the person who cheated on you;
• Take time to re-evaluate what happened before making any decisions;
• Know that you are not obligated to forgive or continue in the relationship;
• Look for some resource to expose your feelings: writing or art can help;
• Talk to people who can welcome you right now;
• Seek professional help if necessary.

Isabela Boitar says that “both the person who betrayed and the person betrayed can experience great suffering” in the face of the moment of discovery, which needs attention and care from both parties. Think about it!

Is marital betrayal a crime?

According to lawyer Maria Gabriela Brandino, even though marital infidelity is a reason for great repercussion, “since 2005, adultery is no longer considered a crime”, when the old law prescribed in the Penal Code was changed.

The professional also clarifies that, although there are still discussions about the legal implications of a betrayal, nowadays, in order for an indemnity to occur, for example, “it is necessary that the concrete fact configures other violations that go beyond the marital agreements, reinforcing that mere treason does not constitute an illicit act”.

Brandino points out that the disregard of marital betrayal as a crime is something recent and that it marks a part of the historical evolution of today’s society. In addition, the lawyer emphasizes the importance of recognizing “various forms of arrangements and agreements in a relationship, which can go beyond the monogamous pact”.

Top questions about cheating answered by the expert

Even having the understanding of some things, there are many doubts that surround this subject. Therefore, below, the specialist psychologist answered some of them. Check out:

What makes a person commit treason?

Isabela Boitar (IB): Betrayal is an action that can stem from different reasons. From the desire for another person, either because they feel entitled to fulfill that desire without worrying about the other, or even as a slip that was not planned and that may have been driven by other factors.

Can the betrayed person be responsible for the betrayal?

IB: The responsibility is never with the person who was betrayed. There are cases in which the person who cheated justifies that it was because of an estrangement or for missing something else in the relationship. It may even be that, but, among several possibilities of action, her choice was this one. Cheating is more about the person who cheats than the person who is cheated on.

Is it possible to see signs of cheating in a relationship?

IB: In some cases yes, in others no. As in cases where it was a punctual betrayal, it may be that there are no elements that indicate that something happened.

Cheating has to do with lack of love?

IB: No. Cheating is a strategy to meet some need a person has. Just like turning to a friend when you’re sad is one type of strategy, and turning to alcohol is another. It may be that the person justifies that it was for lack of love. However, there are infinite more positive strategies that can be used, it will depend on the repertoire that the person has. This can be influenced by family history, machismo, among other aspects.

How can infidelity affect a relationship?

IB: Infidelity usually has negative consequences for a relationship, such as: lack of trust; feeling of shame for having betrayed; feeling of anger; both the person who has been betrayed and the person who has betrayed them may come to question their entire view of relationships, people and the world; sense of loss of control and security; feelings of anxiety and depression; increased stress in the relationship; risk of separation. Also, cheating can be more devastating if the cheated person previously had self-esteem and trust issues. For other couples, betrayal can be re-signified and even seen in a positive way, as an event that strengthened the relationship and brought aspects not seen before. There is also a part that starts to rethink whether the monogamous relationship makes sense and decides to build another way of relating, which is freer and in accordance with their values.

What constitutes a betrayal?

IB: It will depend on what each couple considers cheating. For some, it could be: a flirtation, a text, a kiss, a sexual relationship, a more intimate conversation with another person, or any other promise the couple has made for the relationship. It is important for couples to talk beforehand about what they consider cheating, because there are situations where each has different thoughts about it, and this conversation can prevent future pain.

Is it possible to establish a healthy relationship after a betrayal?

IB: Yes, it is possible. It will depend on the internal resources that the couple has and also on their willingness to continue the relationship or not. The person is not better or worse for continuing or not in a relationship after a betrayal. There are factors that facilitate the possibility of a healthy reconstruction of the relationship, such as the characteristics of the betrayal, if it was once or several times, if it was with one or several people, if it was considered a serious or light betrayal; the degree of satisfaction that this couple has in the relationship; the degree of remorse displayed by the one who betrayed; the degree of commitment of the relationship, that is, how much this couple is committed and is willing to commit more to rebuild the relationship. It’s not just the person who cheated that will have to work hard for the relationship. It will take effort from both of you to reconnect and restore trust.

Another important factor highlighted by the professional is that, “if the couple has the desire to rebuild the relationship and feels that it has not progressed, the ideal is to seek a couples therapist”. In cases of family and friendship conflicts, it may be interesting to seek individual or family therapeutic follow-up.

Videos about cheating that will make you reflect on the topic

Betrayal is approached in different ways, being the subject of reflection and discussion of many relationship experts. Below, check out some videos that punctuate the most relevant aspects of this subject:

I discovered a betrayal. And now?

Discovering a betrayal, as mentioned earlier, causes a lot of doubts and suffering. In this video, psychologist Anahy D’Amico talks about the emotional impacts of this discovery and gives some tips on what can be done in the face of the situation.

explaining the betrayal

Are there any doubts about what constitutes a betrayal? This video by psychiatrist Ana Beatriz can help you better understand the subject. The content clarifies some fundamental points of the theme. Worth checking out!

Is it possible to overcome infidelity?

In addition to explaining the reasons that can lead to betrayal, in this video, psychologist Anahy D’Amico also reveals the possibility of overcoming infidelity in a romantic relationship.

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