Characteristics of a relationship based on secure attachment

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What type of attachment defines the relationship you maintain? Those based on a secure bond are the ones that are most likely to be happier and last longer. Would you like to know the characteristics that build them?

The speaker and writer Frederick Douglas said that it is easier to raise strong children than to repair broken adults. An influence of events and emotional roots laid down in childhood that it is very difficult for us to see in first person. Paradoxical when, for example, today we know that this imprint has a significant weight in how we create and consolidate our relationships.

The way our caregivers cared for us established in us a socio-affective narrative with a good number of implications, among them what to expect from the people with whom we form bonds. The person we are now is largely nourished by how those early ties were woven.

In this way, enjoying a type of secure attachment is essential for achieving healthy child development. Also a mature and self-realized adulthood. Thus, as we can well deduce, a relationship will be more successful if we have someone who is not afraid of being abandoned or who is competent when it comes to expressing her emotions and needs.

However, secure attachment is not the Holy Grail. Perfect relationships do not exist; We will always deal with some ups and downs, disagreements and specific crises. However, We will have someone capable of building authentic emotional intimacy -shared contexts where participants allow themselves to be vulnerable-.

Let’s see what are the characteristics that usually define this type of links.

It is believed that about 50% of the population has a secure attachment style. The rest show more insecure patterns, such as anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment.

Children raised with secure attachment are more likely to develop lasting relationships based on trust and empathy as they mature.

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What is a relationship based on secure attachment like?

A relationship based on secure attachment defines a bond in which emotional openness, reciprocity and trust dominate. We could say that those people raised in childhood with this type of bond are more likely to be successful in their emotional relationships. This does not mean that challenges do not arise, as is typical for every couple.

On the other hand, a classic study by Hazan and Shaver is illustrative. 50-56% of people usually show a secure attachment, while the rest usually orbit between those more problematic and insecure spheres, such as anxious, disorganized and avoidant attachment. The probability of falling in love with someone with that last, more problematic pattern is apparently quite high.

Now, does this mean that having grown up with emotionally and physically unavailable parents determines the person for life? It is important to remember that we all have the opportunity to change, grow and adapt. If we are aware that our attachment style is avoidant and that this causes us suffering, we can work on ourselves.

Building a relationship based on secure attachment is possible. To do this, we must keep in mind those areas that build it up, that nourish it and that build a more satisfactory bond.

Couples defined by secure attachment are able to ask each other for help and express their needs without fear of being judged.

1. There is comfort in expressing thoughts and emotions

Many will have lived with a hermetic partner. There are people with serious difficulties in communicating what they feel, what worries them, what eats away at them.. This makes them wait for the other person to “guess” why they are angry or upset. Instead of communicating normally what they feel, they wait for the other to intuit it, and if this does not happen, they become even more frustrated.

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A relationship based on secure attachment is defined by sincere, assertive and respectful communication. There is no fear or insecurity when it comes to expressing what worries or what is needed. This allows the bond to always be healthier and trust to flow.

2. Its members are independent and are not afraid to be vulnerable

The psychologist Brené Brown was the one who popularized the importance of vulnerability in relationships. This dimension has nothing to do with weakness. On the contrary, the person who drops his armor and opens up emotionally to the other will build a more enriching and courageous bond. Without vulnerability there is no love, no belonging, no happiness.

At the same time, Having grown up with a secure bond prevents us from drifting into dependent relationships. We will be self-actualized people capable of being honest with the loved one and able to fend for ourselves if that relationship does not work. We do not demand oxygen from each other in order to survive.

Securely attached people want their partner to have their own interests outside of the relationship.

3. There is confidence and ability to solve problems

Trust in a relationship is the pillar that holds everything together. Thanks to this psychological substrate, jealousy hardly has any space and everyone is free to work on their own goals. The identities of each person are respected and the uncertainties, fears and doubts that so blur authentic affection are diluted.

On the other hand, another element that defines a relationship based on secure attachment is resolution. The members of this couple are skilled at solving problems, They act with proactivity and adequate communication skills. They do not let disagreements fester nor do they limit themselves to delegating everything to the other person.

Those who show a secure attachment are not afraid to get emotional in front of their partner.

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4. The couple knows how to set limits and respect each other

The boundaries between two people must be agreed upon and respected. If these psychological barricades are not present or respected, invasive, toxic and dominant dynamics will appear. Nothing is as necessary as making it clear to the loved one what realities we cannot allow and what our personal territories are.. Those that no one can cross or board.

Likewise, a relationship based on secure attachment not only defends and clarifies what one’s boundaries are. He also respects those of others. Understanding that the loved one deserves the same respect that we demand is first of all emotional health. Let’s be clear, To be a couple and enjoy that emotional security there will always be physical and emotional spaces that should not be exceeded.

In essence, after having seen each of these areas that make up this type of secure connection in love, only one aspect can be noted. It is never too late to work on a secure attachment with the people we love.. Doing so will free us from a lot of suffering, making us feel better about ourselves.