Celotypia: when jealousy is unhealthy

“He who is not jealous is not in love” or so the bishop and philosopher Saint Augustine said many years ago. Many of you will agree with this phrase from Saint Augustine, but everything will depend on the degree of jealousy we are talking about.

Feeling jealous at some point in our partner is not far from normal, the problem appears when jealousy is extremeexcessive and become an obsession, a disorder, an illness…

Why does jealousy exist?

Everything has an explanation and that is that all emotions exist for some reason, to perform some function that helps us survive. Therefore, feeling jealous is something totally normal and throughout our phylogeny. It has been useful to us to keep our couple together and thus ensure that our genes are perpetuated.

People feel jealous when we believe or perceive that another person could take away something that we consider to be our propertyIn this case we are referring to the couple, but they also feel jealous with siblings, parents, friends…

You will then wonder if it is something evolutionary, why are we not all jealous or why some are more jealous than others. Being a jealous person has a lot to do with self-esteem. And what doesn’t it have to do with her?

People with low self-esteem, as we already know, trust themselves less and are more insecure, which causes their perceptions of threat due to a possible loss to be much greater, since they tend to think that they do not live up to their desires. of your partner and that he or she, therefore, has many possibilities of focusing on someone else.

Being more insecure, also they tend to depend more on their partner For everything, the couple becomes their vital center, so the possibility of loss causes them much more fear than it does for a more self-confident, more independent person with a more balanced self-esteem.

Jealousy can also arise when you have had past experiences of cheating with other partners.which makes us more reluctant to trust someone again, even if that someone has nothing to do with the person who hurt us in the past.

What we have just explained, although it is very unpleasant for those who suffer from it, is within normality. But there are cases in which feeling jealous becomes a serious problem. It is no longer about being a simply jealous person but about becoming obsessed with the idea that our partner is unfaithful even though there is no evidence to support this belief.

These attitudes end up breaking up the couple permanently. The jealous person wants to exercise total control over the life of her partner since she is convinced that she is unfaithful and also sees rivals everywhere, for no rational reason. In the end, What is achieved is the opposite effect, the couple ends up distancing themselves, breaking up or even being unfaithful..

We have commented that jealousy in general, and jealousy in particular, have a lot to do with self-esteem problems or complexes, as well as with past experiences of infidelity. It is also necessary that you know why this problem persists over time and is not solved. Although it may seem like a lie, apart from the sick person, the couple also has a lot to do with their maintenance.

The behaviors that you, as a jealous person, carry out with your partner such as watching him, interrogating him, spying on his phone, sniffing himcalling it again and again are called checking and security behaviors.

The great anxiety that not asking your partner about why that co-worker called them makes you unable to help but make sure that there is nothing between them.

The partner, for their part, with their best intentions and to try to calm you down, usually answers those calls, your interrogations., to give you all kinds of explanations that are of no use, to leave you his phone number… etc. which also causes the problem to remain.

How can I stop being jealous?

There are some important points that need to be touched on if we want to stop being obsessively jealous people who see things that do not really exist. These are some of them that we can start putting into practice today.

1. Recognize that there is a problem

There is no point in wanting to solve the problem of jealousy if we do not accept or recognize that we have that problem.. Many times, it is difficult for us to admit that we are wrong, that we are not perfect. But, it is necessary to do it.

Furthermore, it is very important that you understand that you have a problem, how it arose and why it persists over time, so you will find meaning in psychological treatment.

2. Expose yourself to your fear

Expose yourself to situations that cause anxiety but without carrying out the safety behaviors we have talked about. That is to say, if before, every time your partner went out you only called him every now and then, now you will have to stop calling him and if you do, your partner, for your sake, should not pick on you. It’s hard? A lot, but it’s the only way to learn to trust him or her.

3. You can’t control everything

Assume that absolute certainties do not exist in life. There is a possibility that your partner cheats on you, no matter how much you don’t want it to happen, you can’t control everything. If your partner wants to be unfaithful to you, they will be. Whether you’re on top of it or not, it will find ways, so don’t waste your time.

4. The world does not revolve around your partner

Make your life richer, so that your partner is not your vital center. Surround yourself with friends, practice a hobby alone or with other people who are not your partner. It will help you have a clear mind and verify that not only that person exists in the world.

5. Observe your negative thoughts

Identify your negative thoughts and modify them with more rational ones. If every time someone calls your partner’s phone you think: “I’m sure she’s the lover”, change it to something more adapted to reality, for example: “It could be a friend or a co-worker.”

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