Be careful not to expect from me: what I didn’t get from you.

And once again, I believed it would be forever…

It wasn’t our time, it wasn’t our way. We got lost at some point, maybe we tripped over some rocks and later fell into the abyss. We tried to balance ourselves, we clasped our hands tightly, we didn’t want to let go, but it’s over. We followed the same road, we liked to admire the horizon, the sky showed a confidence that paradise goes beyond what the eyes could see. And, well, I came to believe that would be our limit. Even without having met a comma during our journey, fate was cruel and presented us with the full stop.

Our story has never been an example of a perfect couple. As with any love affair, we had our differences and disagreements. We fought, we had disagreements, we were jealous and we got angry when the other did something that we didn’t like. In front of others, we just smiled. We liked to preserve the image of our relationship, free exhibitions were never healthy for a life together. In four walls, we had an uncontrolled fury of desire and lust, but outdoors, we knew how to behave. In fact, I tried really hard.

With you, encounter was synonymous with ecstasy. I lost my wits, my shame and all my clothes. I felt immense pride to be by your side. It was a pleasure to introduce you to all my friends and family, as well as being able to kiss your mouth whenever I wanted to. Which in reality, it was all the time. A hot chemistry, a butterflies in the belly mixed with a rapturous horny. I trusted you, believed in your words and in all the plans we’d made since we met. I gave you the best of me and you left me completely stripped of fears, fears or traumas. I forgot about my world and dove headfirst into yours. It was like stepping on the right foot, finding a four-leaf clover, looking at the clock, and finding matching numbers. You arrived like a winning lottery ticket, an infectious and innovative joy, until the moment you validated it and I discovered it was fake.

My world collapsed, I threw myself on the floor and the tears flowed uncontrollably. It was like watching my dreams go down the drain, literally, and not being able to do anything. Garbage, that’s how I felt and that’s how I discovered you. Disposable, stinky and filthy. I tried to recycle you, but our relationship was never a two-way street. We know that one side always loves more, but pushing with the belly is for cowardly people. And, no, I’m not weak like you think I am. I tried, with an open heart, to make you happy. I worried about the details, spared no effort and did the possible to the impossible.

Perhaps, you must have no idea how difficult it is for us to give ourselves to someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Or, suddenly, by someone who has lost interest, who has made a mistake countless times. I did my part. I listened to you, I tried to be understanding, I apologized, I went over all my pride and vanity. And what did you do with all my feelings? Stepped on top. Just like you do when you go into your house: you rub your feet on the rug, with the intention of leaving all the impurities and dirt on it. With me you did worse. You weren’t careful to ask permission as you entered, you took off your shoes to make me believe that some kind of honesty inhabited you. You struck me as a person of character. I let a stranger take up residence in my house, inside me. I did not expel you, on the contrary, I gave you all accommodation. Food and laundry. And you moved into my life, we remain under the same roof, we share all the victories and defeats. As well as meals, it was you who sat in front of me daily. He looked me in the eyes, bought me with cheap gifts and poetic words. You always said too much and did too little. Now it’s my turn…

You lost me. Lost someone who loved you a lot, said little and did without expecting anything in return. I’ve had enough of your lies, omissions, lame excuses. My patience ran out, my migraine got worse, my gastritis struck. You only make me sick, look how far we’ve come. You destroyed our lives, our goals, every admiration or respect I had for you. Now I feel ashamed, not for having dedicated myself so much for someone who never deserved it, but mainly, for looking at you and seeing what you really are. Not what you introduced me to, not what you told me so much.

You presented me with two sides, but in reality, I learned that being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t know what he wants. It would be easier to assume and not run away like you always did. But no, you always opt for the practical, easier. So I’m doing the same as you. And if you regret it and want to come back, know that I locked the doors and changed the locks. And if it’s up to me, it will be as you always wanted…

Knocking from door to door, until the day someone makes the same mistake I did. Accept you at first for falling for your great talk and, subsequently, expelling you for incompetence to love.

After all, those who broke the face a lot, finally learned what they deserve.

And, let’s face it, you’re far from the last cookie in the pack.

Jessica Pellegrini

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