Apologize and accept the mistake: an impossible mission for the narcissist

The narcissistic person from a distance can seem charming, self-confident and even attentive when he has a goal in mind. However, there is something that he almost never does, especially as a couple: apologize, assume damage, repair mistakes. Experts on the subject tell us that this is due to their egocentric and dominant attitude, where there is not always a clear hint of empathy.

In our relationships as friends, partners, co-workers and family, disagreements and specific disagreements are common.. Even more, sometimes, and almost without being aware of it, we can offend them or even cause them some harm. In these cases we do not hesitate to apologize sincerely to rebuild that bond and learn from what happened. The objective will be to ensure that it does not happen again.

So, The greater the social and emotional intelligence, the greater the predisposition to not only apologize., but to do it in the most effective way. In these cases, the person skilled in these skills makes use of a clear emotional openness, great sincerity and an express desire to repair what happened.

Now, what happens in the case of narcissists? Studies such as those carried out by Joost M. Leunissen and Constantine Sedikides, from the University of Nottingham, tell us very clearly: This type of profile does not always experience a feeling of guilt for the transgressions committed..

This causes that, although “socially” he feels pressured to take the step to repair that situation, the fact of doing so causes contradiction, resistance and even suffering because it violates his own ego. Let’s see more data about it.

Narcissists and the act of apologizing

Masterson (1981) reminds us that the narcissistic personality is situated on a continuum. This profile ranges from what is considered normal (where there is a more or less adequate regulation of self-esteem) to that already pathological extreme that defines narcissistic personality disorder.

On this last case, These people need to build and protect the image of a clearly oversized “I”. With this, they manage to protect that weak and fractured internal piece: self-esteem. They aspire, therefore, to give an image of high efficiency, perfection and deification.

What happens the moment the narcissist commits a transgression? What happens when, for example, his partner rebukes him for his lack of respect, derogatory words, selfishness or inattention? What actually happens is simple: he cannot accept those faults. Doing so causes you to conflict with that image of perfection that you strive to maintain.

The narcissist wants “mirror” people in whom he can reflect, he does not admit contradictions

Andrew P. Morrison is one of the leading experts on the narcissistic personality. Thus, in his introduction Essential Papers on Narcissism It tells us that narcissists above all look for “mirror” people.

Prefers that type of relationship where the other party limits itself to reflecting its virtues. She wants, so to speak, for others to act like the magic mirror of Snow White’s evil stepmother, who told her every day that she was the most beautiful in the kingdom. If at some point that mirror reveals itself and tells her about her dreams, faults, mistakes and grievances, the narcissist will hardly be able to apologize. He will not do so because he does not experience a feeling of guilt. In the case of narcissistic personality disorder, it is common for empathy to be very low. Therefore, not only do you not understand why the other person is hurt or worried. Furthermore, Given that this profile understands relationships as mere links or transactions from which to obtain “benefit”, they can tell the other person that this is their problem.

These dynamics, as we can well imagine, can be very harmful as a couple.

The narcissist will make you believe that the mistake is yours

We know that on average, apologizing is a step that the narcissist will not take. Now, an even more complex and contradictory act can occur.

This type of personality, although we may not believe it, suffers a lot. They suffer intensely because they always feel frustrated and bitter. Their low self-esteem continually places them on that battlefield where they try to win the most golden armor and the biggest crown. That need to appear perfection, effectiveness and deification It very often comes face to face with a reality that does not tolerate this type of attitude. Now, something that usually happens very frequently at the couple level is that when the other person demands that you apologize for a specific situation, The narcissist will make you believe that the fault (the grievance) is yours.. The reason? For not understanding it, for not seeing things the same way, for being weak or even ignorant…

Thus, and almost without realizing it, the tables can turn. Let’s not forget that People with narcissistic disorder are skilled manipulators, therefore it is very possible that we will be the ones apologizing to them.

What to do with narcissists who don’t want to apologize?

It is advisable to emphasize what was stated at the beginning. There are many types of narcissists, we are faced with a continuum that goes from lower to higher intensity where it is worth mentioning, for example, psychopathic narcissists. In this case, they are profiles that appear to be clearly normal and functional, however, they are tremendously effective when it comes to emotionally harming others.

Narcissists need specialized help. They need a therapeutic intervention where they can work on aspects such as their antisocial reasoning, their self-esteem, their illusion of superiority, acceptance of their own imperfections, their empathy… They must be fully aware of the damage they cause with their behaviors and attitudes.For our part, in this daily dealing with a narcissist who refuses to apologize, there are only two options: either there is respect or there is not.either we provide them with the opportunity for change and they seek expert help or we will take into consideration the possibility of establishing distance.

In many cases, and always depending on each narcissistic personality subtype, they can give great advances and improvements. Let us therefore not lose hope. If we have a family member, partner or friend with this trait, let’s make them aware of the impact of their behavior and the need to ask for help..

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