9 ways to recover sexual desire as a couple

Lack of desire is one of the most frequent issues faced by couples who have been together for a long time, and it is even more common and referred to by women. Between 40% and 50% of them feel this lack of sexual desire at some point in their lives. However, according to the National Institute of Statistics (INE), 80% of women up to 65 years of age regularly engage in sexual practices.

Find out what is behind your sexual inappetence

We can approach the problem from a therapeutic perspective trying to find out what are the causes of this lack of desire and go to a therapist –alone or in pairs– that will help us find a solution. Sexuality is not separated from the rest of our life and from the events that the couple has experienced or is experiencing.

Asking yourself a few questions can also help: Since when does this lack of desire occur? Can you relate it to some event that has happened with your partner: the birth of a child, the search for a pregnancy, an infidelity, a change of role, a strong argument, the death of a relative, the loss of a job, a duel in general, an economic change or a work situation…? What root causes do you think may be linked to this lack of sexual desire? The causes of sexual inappetence can be multiple:

It must be taken into account that sexuality is often a mirror and It is directly related to the vital moment of the couple. Frustrations, stress, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, menopause, age crises, etc., also determine the rise or fall of sexual desire, both in the case of men and women. women, and it is something that we should take into account when we look at our sexuality in order to approach it with care, patience and without pressure.

​​ Causes of lack of desire may also be related to taking certain drugs (anovulatory drugs, antidepressants…), diet, diseases such as diabetes, hypertension, chronic fatigue, cancer… These first-order physical factors would be the first thing that should be ruled out by consulting a specialist.

Social, cultural and educational causes

Being the lack of desire so common among women, it is worth wondering to what extent it goes beyond an individual problem and is related to the culture and education received. For years it has not been well seen for a woman to show sexual desire and if she did she was easily labeled a nymphomaniac or a whore, something that on the other hand was a positive sign in the case of a man. There was no talk of female masturbation either until the Satisfayer arrived.

Despite the liberation of customs and living in a hypersexualized society where access to porn is open to almost everyone, sex is still taboo. There is no good sexual education nor is sexuality discussed in families. This makes it difficult to connect with sexual desire, especially when pornography and movies in general give an idealized vision of sex that generates demands that turn off the libido.

Why do you want to regain your sexual desire?

The next question to ask yourself is: do we really want to recover the desire or do we do it simply because we are supposed to feel desire within the couple? Do we do it for us or for us or because of the “demands” of the couple? The importance of sexuality is different for each person and not everyone should be someone hypersexual.

It is about being as honest as possible with ourselves to determine how our sexual desire is individually. Don’t we have any wishes? Do we feel attraction to other people (women and men) who are not our partner? Is the type of sexuality you have with your partner the one that really arouses your passion?

To answer these questions, the first thing is to connect with our sexual pleasure, something that with fast-paced lives, too mental and disconnected from the body, is not done regularly. What are you willing or willing to do to regain the taste for sex?

If we have good communication as a couple that allows us to express the difficulties in which we find ourselves and what we feel, this will allow us to more easily access our desire.

For example, if we have been victims of infidelity and we can get all the anger out, talking about our pain and insecurities will make it easier for us to recover the relationship and sexual desire. Or if an economic problem awakens us insecurity.

When it comes to expressing what we feel, the way we do it is decisive so that they listen to us, understand us and respond to our needs. Without throwing reproaches or judgments about the other, it is about speaking from the point of view of “I feel”, “it happens to me that…”, “I need that…” However, we must not forget what Esther Perel tells us about what awakens love and what generates desire .

Sexual desire increases before someone unknown and indomitable, before a space to conquer more than with the security that someone familiar and everyday can give us and with whom we live daily. Therefore, we can be very close friends with our partner, have a good coexistence, tenderness and good communication, and yet lack sexual desire.

From this perspective, it is recommended that each member of the couple maintain individual and private spaces in which not everything counts. And novelty, adventure and secrecy can be good aphrodisiacs. In fact, scientific experiments such as the Coolidge effect refer to the natural tendency to prefer new sexual stimuli. Finding them is a matter of imagination, dedication, care of the relationship and also of oneself.

Reconnect with your ability to feel pleasure

if we don’t care the relationship with the body –although there may also be a sexual desire that comes only from the mind– and the sensations, it is difficult to recover the libido. For this we suggest different ways: a massage, relaxing baths, exercises to recover the tone of the pelvic floor, dancing, practicing tantra, yoga, breathing exercises…

All this will achieve a more relaxed and relaxed body where the parasympathetic system is activated; in this way it is easier to be able to feel the sensation of desire. Therefore, it is necessary to reserve a space in your schedule – even if it is tight – just for pleasure, even if it involves changing your lifestyle. Are you willing to reserve this space for joy in your life? The way out is to modify the belief that “duty always comes before pleasure.” It is the basic belief in our culture.

Find moments to stop and do what we like just for pleasure and from the encounter with our desire, it will allow us to transfer this way of functioning to the couple and to sexuality. As the psychotherapist Esther Perel said, one of the things that arouses desire the most is to see the other do what they like, and the next thing that also generates a lot of attraction is to contemplate the other as a space to conquer. So if you dedicate yourself to your pleasure, it is more likely that your partner or partner will awaken the desire for you.

This is how you awaken your sexual desire

Revise unconscious beliefs about sexuality. There is a long list of messages that we have received throughout our lives about sex that are usually repressive and of which we are not aware. However, they can be the root of our lack of libido since they are conditioning us. Along the same lines, we may have suffered a trauma that makes it difficult for us to contact our sexuality and also with our body because the trauma disconnects us from our sensations. Examples of this may be having suffered sexual abuse in childhood, having been the victim of rape, mistreatment, gender violence… In order to get out of it, the first step is to make it aware and then express the pain within the framework of a relationship empathic that allows us to integrate it.Improve your self-esteem. Different studies closely link the assessment we make of our body with sexual activity. The more self-esteem -especially body self-esteem- the more frequent sexual relations. In addition, this is fed back because, the more we enjoy sex, the more our self-esteem rises. Love your body and appreciate everything it gives you every day.Play, experiment, learn. Sex is a constant learning. Therefore, we should not stop playing – that is, practicing without demands or expectations – experimenting, being curious and exploring new experiences. All this will allow us to know what we like, what we don’t and thus be able to ask for what we need.Search for new stimuli. In this game and constant exploration we can introduce new stimuli that help keep the desire alive or awaken it. We can read erotic novels together with our partner, introduce sex toys, try new positions, change roles, change the place where we have sex, play with the whole body and not just have genital sexuality, perform couples massages, attend sessions of tantra… At the moment there is a very wide range of possibilities that did not exist before. We are going to name a few such as trying cybersex, swingers spaces, bondage and other practices.Improve sexual communication. It will help to keep the desire alive and to recover it by talking openly with our partner about what we like or don’t like the most, about our sexual fantasies, about what we need at all times during sexual intercourse, always without taboos or limitations for, for example, masturbate in front of our partner or watch series (Masters of Sex is one of them) and erotic and respectful movies together. It can be a good exercise to discuss with your partner what you think of this TED Talk by the psychotherapist Ester Perel: https://bit.ly/2UtQNnhHDo aphrodisiac activities. There are studies that show that running raises testosterone levels. Dancing without established guidelines, receiving massages to release tension, practicing oriental and African dances, doing pelvic floor exercises or tantra are good allies to increase libido. Set aside time each day.Investigate what increases your desire. Regardless of who you are most attracted to, you can investigate which situations you find most erotic. For example: Do you enjoy the beauty of the naked body and skin contact more or do you prefer the sophistication of erotic lingerie? Does it turn you on to be near the beach and the heat or the intimacy of having a sexual relationship in front of a fireplace? Do you prefer a luxurious environment or an everyday situation? Do you feel more sexual if they speak to you in whispers, that they pant or pant, do you prefer little light or the other way around, that they keep quiet, that they be discreet and a lot of light?Practice breathing and full sexuality. It is possible to awaken sexual desire through breathing. For this, breathing must be continuous and circular, that is to say, that there is no interval between the inspiration and the exit of the air. Sighs can also increase…