8 Actions that can make your relationship with children even lighter and more respectful

The journey of motherhood and fatherhood can be challenging in many ways, after all, in addition to creating a human being for the world, we also need to face our own creation and think: what teachings and behaviors should I pass on to my child and what should I remember so as not to repeat? In many cases, this journey can be tough, but it will probably also be rewarding!

We, from awesome.club, we believe that raising people based on affection and respect is what is best for them and for the world. We invite you to learn about some ideas from six Brazilian specialists who are dedicated to producing information to transform the relationship between families and childhood. Check out!

Before looking at the child, you have to look at yourself. Knowing how to welcome your own feelings is just as important as welcoming your baby, after all, we can’t save the other if we’re sinking ourselves, right? Mothers and fathers are human beings and knowing how to deal with the feeling of guilt and frustration, which will invariably appear at some point, is essential to create a respectful relationship with yourself and with others.

Marcia Tosin, psychologist who created the neurocompatible movement, also seeks to humanize the parents’ view of themselves: “Embrace your flaws, your crying, your screaming. Your tiredness, your guilt, your mistake. The amateurism, the lack of response, what got out of hand and your lack of control. This is all part of your motherhood and fatherhood. Honor your imperfection. Everything is fine”, he writes on the networks. Marcia defends the idea that the relationship between parents and children should be based on human dignity, free from practices of punishment and submission and, mainly, guided by trust in the processes of physical, psychological and emotional maturation of children, which occurs naturally, without the need for pressure of any kind.

The feeling of failure is another one that is often experienced by mothers and fathers in the mission of educating, either because of something they were unable to overcome, because of an episode of lack of control or after an episode of bad behavior by their children.

“Our children and adolescents are not our banners or business cards. They are not our stamp of good fathers or good mothers. Our quality as parents cannot be measured by the behavior of the other, or we will live on a roller coaster, oscillating between heaven and hell a few times a day. You are good or good enough regardless of the other’s behavior, and this is an inner construction that only you can do. And when I’m convinced of that, bad behavior becomes just bad behavior. It doesn’t turn into a fight or a certificate of incompetence”, writes Elisama Santos, a psychoanalyst, writer and communicator who is also dedicated to disseminating useful information about respectful education and non-violent communication.

Creating a secure bond with the children should be something natural and without difficulties, but unfortunately, this construction is quite difficult due to external cultural factors such as, for example, the widespread idea that “too much lap spoils and leaves spoiled”, or even by the need to get back to work as soon as possible. Although several studies have proven that the lack of a cervix is ​​extremely harmful for the little ones and can even affect them at a molecular levelthis thought is still widespread, including among some pediatricians.

Thais Basile, a psychoanalyst and psychopedagogue, defends the idea that offering the child a lap is not only beneficial, but should be encouraged so that they feel protected and recognized in their needs: “The lap gives the child a feeling of support, security, attachment, that she can become a person because someone sees and treats her as a person. Don’t believe the neighbor or the outdated pediatrician who says that ‘too much lap is bad’. We have enough spoiled people already,” she writes.

People born before the 1990s probably experienced a more rigid and authoritarian upbringing, as this was the cultural norm until then. In this context, if you are part of generation z, learning to welcome can be a great solution to improve the relationship and bond with your children and with children in general.

“Welcoming is about the availability of those who offer and also about the desire of those who need to be welcomed and that means getting out of control or the right answer and letting the other lead, which can be scary. Welcoming, for me, has to do with supporting, taking care of yourself and also of the other, but there is no rule, there is no way, because that depends on who needs to be welcomed.(…) Its reception does not solve the problem, it does not stop the pain. It’s just a reminder to each other that they have someone to rely on.in crossings that are intimate and very private”, writes Lua Barros, a parental educator and writer who is dedicated to helping fathers, mothers and caregivers to understand more about themselves in order to better deal with the challenges of raising human beings.

Another harmful and quite common thought is that of “learning by suffering”. It’s common for many people to feel a sense of gratitude for their parents and their upbringing, even if it wasn’t respectful or fraught with trauma. “’Be grateful for what happened to you, made you where you are.’ This speech is harmful! No one needs to go through suffering to conquer achievements. Adults make achievements despite what happened to them🇧🇷 Do not romanticize trauma and suffering”, declares Maya Eigenmann, pedagogue and parental educator, who is dedicated to deconstructing this idea and populating the popular imagination with another: “Anger does not educate. Calm educates”.

As a playful strategy, she uses examples that provoke discomfort, but also reflection, questioning her followers about hypothetical situations, such as: “What would happen if we saw a husband treating his wife in the same way that adults usually treat children? ”, or else, openly asking: “If you treated your friends the same way you treat your children, how many friends would you have left?”, provokes.

In addition to provocations to get you thinking, Maya shares some practical tips on how to deal with your own frustration and anger before you end up taking it out on your child. According to her, it is important to breathe, recognize one’s own limits and know how to move away from time to time, to calm down before trying to welcome the child. This conduct avoids explosions and the parents’ loss of control over their own feelings. Once the adult is already calmer, then yes, he will be in emotional and psychological conditions to talk to the child in a respectful way.

They are the real panic of virtually every parent! They are feared, hated, cause shame and discomfort, but they are a necessary mechanism for the communication of children and their immature brain. It’s no use fighting and punishing: one hour or another you’ll be witnessing your child’s tantrum, either at home or in a public environment. It is better to prepare yourself psychologically and emotionally to leave aside that little voice, built over years of a culture centered on the needs of adults, which insists that “tantrums and slyness are frills”, and welcome those who really need it, your child.

Tantrums are the way in which children manage to express pain or frustration, true suffering that, for you, may even be for something “silly”, but for her, it is the biggest problem in the world at that moment! “Tantrums are children’s defenses. They were shaped in our evolutionary history. They are proof that children are not here to serve us.🇧🇷 There will be thousands of courses and tips to end them. What a waste of time! Let’s change the culture, because biology doesn’t change”, says Marcia Tosin.

Doubting oneself, one’s own attitudes and conduct is common to all fathers and mothers who try to do something different, either because recommendations in child care have evolved, or because they did not experience an affectionate relationship in their own childhood. The difficulties in breaking a cycle and creating a healthier one with your own children are part of the process, especially if you live with family members who have different opinions and who think that the act of educating is linked to coercion and fear.

“If you’re trying to break the transgenerational cycle of education based on fear and distancing, know that it’s part of questioning whether ‘you’re doing it right’, fearing, feeling like you’re swimming against the current. Educating a human being with respect is an emotional hassle for the adult.🇧🇷 Making the decisions we think are the right ones also hurts and takes work”, points out Thais Basile.

Until recently, expressions such as “children don’t want to”, “the street door is the house’s usefulness”, and much worse ones were common in dealing with children. An authoritarian upbringing, filled with fear and threats, was considered normal and even desirable. Unusual were the houses where children had a voice and wishes and where dialogue with parents was possible. Respecting elders was expected behavior but, in return, no respect was given to children. If your education was like this, know that it is possible to break the cycle and do things differently. It’s not easy, but with information you can get there.

🇧🇷We talk a lot about how children should respect adults and not much about how adults should respect children.”, says Thiago Queiroz, writer, speaker, parental educator, psychoanalyst in training and creator of the podcasts Tricô de Pais, Coisa de Criança and Vai Passar — ​​the latter in partnership with Elisama Santos. Thiago shares some tips on his channels on how to build a more affectionate, sensitive and respectful parenting, especially for parents who grew up without enjoying this care.

What are the biggest difficulties you have or had in raising your children? Would you do anything differently if you could go back? Which aspects of your own creation did you keep and which did you abandon? Share your experience in the comments!