5 guidelines to overcome shame

Sometimes we think that shame is the same as shyness. There is talk, for example, of overcoming shame when speaking in public or expressing an opinion in an everyday, relaxed conversation. However, shame is much more than just shyness. It alludes, above all, to a feeling of personal indignity. A certain conviction that one is worthy of very little.

Overcoming the shame embedded in this framework is not easy. Normally this has its origin in a strong experience (or succession of repeated experiences during childhood) of devaluation during childhood. It can also, of course, be the result of a traumatic experience of severe childhood abuse or maltreatment. The feeling takes root in deep areas and is not easy to eradicate.

In these cases, shame is a mechanism that allows the child to protect himself. The adult, supposedly the caregiver, rejects some of the child’s expressions, or even her incipient personality. At those early ages, adult affection is everything. That’s why the little one learns to be like the adult wants him to be. He develops an imposed self and any behavior that deviates from that scheme seems shameful.

Generally, shame is associated with depression . And as strange as it may seem, there is also fear of oneself. Distrust of what one is or can eventually do. There is also pent-up anger, which often turns against itself. All this makes the person cautiously distance himself from others and thus deprives himself of the affection of others. However, overcoming shame is possible. And these are five guidelines to achieve it.

How to overcome shame: 5 guidelines

1. Deepen self-knowledge to overcome shame

To overcome shame it is necessary to understand how it occurs. Maintain an observation attitude in front of yourself. If necessary, carry a notebook with you to write down everything you find. What it is about is detecting what exactly are the situations in which you feel shame.

It is important that you try to identify What is it that embarrasses you? What aspect of yourself is most related to it?. Pay close attention to the self-criticisms you formulate. What words or messages come to your mind when you feel shame? All this information will be of great help to begin to overcome the problem.

2. Review the past

Try to think about the most important people from your childhood. What were they like in general? How did they behave with you? Why did they act the way they did and not any other way? What did they reject about you and why do you think they did it?

Many times, when we look into the distance at those beloved and feared childhood figures, we are able to adopt a new perspective. We found, for example, that perhaps their problem was not with us, but with themselves. It is good to separate his rejection from our being. That is, understanding that there was nothing wrong with us to be rejected. What there was was a problem with those who did it.

3. Develop a compassionate attitude towards yourself

We need to learn to be allies of ourselves. A good friend only gives constructive criticism. He doesn’t keep pointing his finger at flaws all the time. He does not look at the other with distrust or emphasizing his mistakes. This is how we have to be: good friends of ourselves.

To overcome shame it is essential that we learn to see ourselves with kindness. In other words, that we are able to look at ourselves with love. You should try it even if you don’t think this is effective at first. You might be surprised by the results.

4. Work on self-acceptance

Accepting yourself is essential to be able to move forward. And accepting yourself is not wanting to be someone else, understanding that we are neither more nor less than anyone else.. We are what we are, simply; There are parts of us that we will not be able to change, or that we can change with time and patience, not from today to tomorrow.

In any case, any change has to start from acceptance, from recognizing that we are in a certain place, and that yes, we would like to reach another. That is why honesty with ourselves is so important to evolve.

On the other hand, Knowing our feelings of shame better, analyzing the past and developing an understanding attitude towards ourselves should serve to nurture self-acceptance.. It’s not easy at all. The mind has been doing something different for years and even the brain can be more or less programmed for it. However, it is possible to achieve it little by little, thus overcoming shame.

5. Expose yourself gradually

The process of overcoming shame goes from the inside out and vice versa. As you advance in your endeavor, it is good that you also define goals. Expose yourself to what makes you ashamed, starting with what inspires you the least fear and gradually increasing the difficulty.

In summary, these five guidelines are effective if applied systematically and with perseverance.. However, many times these processes require psychotherapeutic help to be successful. Basically, the path will be the same, but you will have the help and support of a professional. It is worth considering that option.

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