3 Types of Acceptance in Psychology

The theme of acceptance has become increasingly popular with the spread of mindfulness meditation practices. One of the authors who worked on this topic, which is so fundamental for mental health, was the creator of Rational Emotive Psychology, Albert Ellis.

I’m reading two of his very interesting books, How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable and The Myth of Self-Esteem.

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If we think about self-esteem, the capacity of each person to value himself, we will see that, deep down, self-esteem can be very destructive. Let me explain: the basis of self-esteem is valuing yourself, right? Which would be great if it weren’t for the fact that – in order to estimate oneself – people create criteria to value themselves. If I pass the test, if I get promoted, if I get a decent relationship… if this (X), then only after I get this (X) will I have high self-esteem.

In other words, self-esteem generally places conditions for it to exist. I will only feel esteemed by myself if I make this, and this, and this realization.

In this sense of self-esteem, we have the exact opposite of acceptance, of self-acceptance. For Ellis, the healthiest path is self-acceptance. In self-acceptance there is no condition to accept yourself. I start to accept myself as I am, regardless of what I do, did or will do. It’s what he calls Unconditional Self-Acceptance.

This idea is related to leaving aside, with misinterpreting cognitive processes, ways of thinking that are distortions. The most central and against which Ellis fought most in his theory was the cognitive distortion of SHOULD (should, must, ought, in English).

In the cognitive distortion of SHOULD (or should or should have been), there is a non-accepting thought: “This should not be so”. “It should not have been so,” etc. That is, when thinking that something should not be or should not have been there is a non-acceptance of what already is – or already was.

So to answer the question: accept what? Ellis responds by saying: unconditionally accept yourself, unconditionally accept the other, accept things (world events).

With self-acceptance (regardless of what), a person naturally becomes more accepting of other people. If you want, do the following exercise for a few minutes:

– Sit down comfortably and try to accept as you are for a while. You can start with your body. Leave aside the “it should be better”, the “it should be another way. Just accept your body as it is today, here and now. From head to toe. If you find it helpful, you can even talk to each part of your body, telling it that you accept it.

Then you can accept how you are feeling now. Maybe there’s some feeling present that you don’t want to be having. Whatever the feeling, the emotion present, just accept it.

Do the same with every thought that comes and goes. Just accept the flow of thought.

Body, feeling, thought. Take what comes. Let go of the belief that some aspect of you should be different now. Or it should have been different before.

Well, if you do this exercise, you will probably feel a great deal of relief. The torture of the SHOULD is very great and puts us in a kind of prison, the prison that we are or were wrong, that we should be different, better, etc.

Doing this exercise, we will see that when we accept ourselves more, it also becomes easier to accept the other. Other people are the way they are, they are trying as best they can and – if for a moment we leave aside the idea that HE SHOULD, SHE SHOULD – we will see that this demand on the other is also heavy. Letting go, letting go, is a great relief.

And finally, the third acceptance – after self-acceptance and acceptance of the other – is the acceptance of reality.

You can do this exercise:

Think of something from your past, or something from your present, that you feel SHOULD be different. And for a few moments, just let go of that idea. That (whatever that is) is how it is, or was how it was. For a while, simply let go of controlling reality and let reality take its course. Nothing to change, nothing to do about it. Accept and get rid of that weight.

A common confusion, when we work on self-acceptance in the office or online, is the idea that by unconditionally accepting who we are, who the other is and how reality is, we will be paralyzed, stopped, static. This is not true.

In self-esteem, I have to achieve X to feel good in my body and soul. In self-acceptance I can achieve any X and even if I don’t achieve any X I will feel good about myself.

Which do you prefer?

The fact of accepting that something is as it is, is being as it is, does not mean that I cannot improve my conditions and act towards a desired future. It’s not that. It’s simply understanding that I don’t need something before to feel good about who I am. And on the way to where I want to go, I do better with myself. That.

Until the next text.