11 differences between lust and love

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Love and lust are two different manifestations of affection that are often confused. In this article we will explain what they are and how they differ.

At some point in our lives, we have confused lust and love; We believe we are talking about one, when in reality we are alluding to the other.

It is common to believe that being attracted to another person necessarily implies a loving feeling for them, that thinking about them all day or desiring them intensely are clear manifestations of our love. However, it doesn’t have to be that way, love is more complex and transcends the emotions or feelings we experience over time.

To better understand the differences between lust and love, it is pertinent to define the two dimensions and list their characteristics. Let’s dig deeper.

Love

Love does not remain only in the emotional expression or in the accumulation of sensations, emotions and feelings that we experience in the presence or absence of the loved person. Love is also an attitude towards life, others and ourselves.. In the words of Erich Fromm “love is an action, the practice of a human power, which can only be realized in freedom and never as a result of compulsion.”

That is to say, where there is possession, there is no love, because it comes from freedom, it is freedom itself. It is the power to express the authenticity of each one and the preservation of our own integrity and individuality, but not from selfishness.

Love is a union where freedom is fundamental and where, paradoxically, two people become one, without ceasing to be two.

Characteristics

Following Erich Fromm, we can identify four essential characteristics of love:

The care: it implies take care of your loved one, be attentive and interested in their well-being. It is concern for the life and growth of the loved one. Caring is not overprotecting or doing everything for that person, it is letting them be and wanting that person to be well because they are important and valuable as a human being.The responsability: is the response to the needs, expressed or not, of the other person. It is not fulfilling one’s duty, it is acting, giving and responding to that other person to whom we are united. It is the attentive disposition to be there for whatever the person needs.I respect: is see a person as they are, accept and be aware of your individuality. Respect entails genuine concern for the other person’s growth and a desire for them to develop as they are on their own.Knowledge: is to approach from the acceptance to the inner world of the otherin order to know him, but not to dominate him, but to care for him, respect him and respond to what he really needs.

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Lust

Lust is a disordered and unlimited desire for sexual pleasures. (Villegas, 2018). Although, if we analyze its etymology, we will realize that it is not necessarily a sexual desire, since lust comes from Latin luxuria which means ‘abundance’ or ‘exuberance’, that is, it refers to everything that accrues in excess, in great quantity.

In lust the “loved” or desired person is reified; Whether in imagination or in reality, the person becomes a mere means for the satisfaction of desire. The central value is pleasure, it is meeting the sexual need that is being experienced. Selfishness is typical of the rule of lust, which restricts a person’s horizon to their own desires.

Characteristics

The main characteristics of lust in relationships are the following (Mandiotra, 2021):

There is no desire to build a deep connection with the person. The relationship is ephemeral. Intense desire for sexual intimacy with the other person. Excessive attraction to the other person’s physique. There is no interest in maintaining a connection after sex. Strong desires to touch, hug, kiss, caress. Lack of control of sexual desires.

Differences between lust and love

Now that you know the definition of each of the concepts, you may want to delve deeper into the issue. Below you have some nuances that differentiate each of the two terms in a more complex way.

1. The place of the other

A central difference between lust and love is the importance of the other person. For lust, the other is important insofar as he satisfies desires, especially the sexual one. In love, the other is valuable in himself, important for who he is.

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2. Receive and give

In lust, the person assumes a receptive attitude in which he or she expects to be given what he or she wants immediately. In love, the attitude is to give, offer the other person what you have, give support, acceptance and commitment.

3. The duration

Another essential difference between lust and love is their duration. In lust, interest in the other person is ephemeral, it lasts as long as it takes to satisfy the sexual need, depending on the intensity of the desire being felt. Love is longer in time, It is a constant attitude in the person’s life in relation to the loved one.

4. Commitment

In lust there is no commitment to the other person’s personal growth, there is only sexual desire, passion and need. In love there is a genuine involvement for the development of the loved one, for their well-being and quality of life.

5. Manipulation and respect

Lust manipulates, seeks in one way or another to make the other access what they want. In love there is respect for the integrity and freedom of the loved one.

6. Patience

Another distinction between lust and love is patience. Lust is impatient, you want your desires to be satisfied immediately. On the other hand, love is patient, knows how to wait for the right moments and recognizes that everything has its time. He does not rush on his own, but rather seeks to walk in step with the other person.

7. Superficiality and depth

Lust is superficial, he is not interested in what is in the other person’s heart, he does not care about knowing him or getting closer to his mysteries. In love there is depth and an authentic desire to know what the other is like.

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8. The link

In lust there is no connection or real bond that allows you to tune in to the other person’s life and promote concern for their well-being. In love there is a deep bond that involves a unity between both people, but without losing their own individuality. It is an active penetration into the life of the loved one.

9. Emotion and attitude

Another important difference between lust and love is the emotional character of one (lust) and the attitude in the other (love). Lust develops in a set of emotions, desires and gratifications. On the other hand, love moves in the realm of attitude, action, and being; More than an emotional state, it is a way of relating to the other person, It is an attitude towards life, a way of being and living.

10. Freedom

Lust is enslavingkeeps the person prisoner of their own sexual desires and needs. Love is liberating because its essence unfolds in the freedom of each person.

11. Duration of intensity of feelings

On the one hand, love tends to increase over time. It becomes more complex and evolves. On the other hand, lust tends to decrease in intensity as time passes, as long as this desire is satisfied.

Finally, you may have the impression that sexual desire is not compatible with love; On the contrary, it is, but it is not the central axis. We all have desires, the problem is when they become excessive, exuberant, uncontrollable and become the means and end of every relationship, as in lust.

Love goes beyond desire and of its satisfaction, it does not remain only in pleasure, but in the freedom to care, respect, respond and know who you love.