10 ways to deal with the fact that your partner is unfaithful

When we discover that our partner has been unfaithful to us, the first reactions to that infidelity are usually question our own worthto think if we have not been as good as we should have been, that we have not given enough, that the person with whom he has cheated on us exceeds our qualities and that is why they have replaced us.

Discovering a partner’s infidelity shakes us and, in order to face it, it is important to allow yourself to feel what you feel, not deny your feelings, listen to yourself. However, it is also important to remember that infidelity is quite common and that nothing (or perhaps little) has to do with all that goes through our heads.

Therefore, to understand and overcome infidelity, we would first have to go back a little more to the origins and understand how the relationship has been formed.

Fidelity (and infidelity) is a matter of will

Fidelity, far from being a natural condition of our species by default, is due more to a matter of will, that is, a purpose that one sets for himself and that he agrees with another person.

Unlike other species that have a whole series of behaviors to follow encoded in their genetics, human beings do not have things so clear. Somehow, our intelligence does not make things easy for usand on the contrary, we are responsible for our own actions by having a great power of choice.

The truth is that we we are monogamous by culture, not by nature. This is a fact that we can verify by observing all the varieties and combinations of love relationships that exist between people on our planet, from polygamy in which one can marry several people at the same time, open relationships, swingers…

That’s why actually the ideas we have about love and relationships are closely linked to cultural and religious factors.

In our culture we have an idea of a loving relationship based on exclusivity and fidelity, and on that of “until death do us part”. But we cannot forget that this type of relationship is based on an acquired commitment, and not on a natural condition.

From this approach, infidelity is based on breaking this covenant in pairs, violating the trust that has been placed in the other and all those common plans.

Being faithful in the times of “carpe diem”?

We currently live in a society where everything is accelerating and we have little tolerance for waiting and frustration. The development of technology, of the Internet, of information overload, all of this makes us live from a perspective of immediacy.

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And also, we lose the sense of struggle, of waiting, of patience, of delicacy and care, that philosophy of “sowing and then reaping”.

That brings us back to a hedonistic lifestyle, a constant search for pleasure and avoidance of not so pleasant sensations, which is leading to changes on many levels in our way of living.

The popularity of phrases like “Carpe Diem” or “YOLO” (you only live once), that is, “you only live once”) among the youngest gives us a clue about it. This situation overlaps with the ideal of couples already consolidated for years, causing some crises.

What to do in case of infidelity?

Discovering an infidelity in your relationship is a hard blow that leaves consequences that are difficult to repair and without knowing what path we should take next. Therefore, allow yourself to feel your emotions, listen to yourself, take a breath. Facing an infidelity, it is possible.

1. Face the situation

It is likely that you have discovered infidelity through various suspicions that have led you to inquire about whether it could be happening, or without having expected it, finding the evidence by surprise.

Sometimes the discovery leaves us so stunned that we are afraid to confront our partner with what we have discovered, because of the consequences that we will inevitably know will occur from that moment on.

Take some time to meditate and above all to calm your emotions, but it is important that, when you feel ready, you face the situation.

2. Talk to your partner

Before an infidelity it is important to be able to establish a dialogue that is as rational as possible, despite the strong emotions that may be aroused. Therefore, you have to find the right time and place, without forcing things, and giving time to time.

When both parties are ready for this dialogue, it is necessary to clarify what happened. Try to express your emotions in the best possible way, let him understand how you feel about having discovered that he has been unfaithful and how you experience the situation. But also let your partner express themselves and that he explain his perception of the facts and his reasons for having carried out the infidelity.

Solve your doubts, but be careful, without it reaching the invasion of the other.

3. Don’t feel guilty

It is not your fault that your partner has been unfaithful. This has been a decision made freely by your partner. Infidelity can have many causes, such as a lack of responsibility regarding the relationship on the part of the partner who commits it, impulsiveness, lack of control of desire…

4. Set the record straight

If a relationship is based on two people fighting for common goals, it is important to reconsider what those objectives were or arewhat do you expect from each other, what could have gone wrong, what are you looking for in a relationship, make it clear on which points you agree and on which you have different visions.

5. Accept what happened

Accept that infidelity has occurred, that our ideal has fallen from the pedestal, the disappointment that it supposes when thinking about all the plans shared with what has just happened, is undoubtedly a very hard step. However, there is no choice but to accept that it has happened.

6. Seek support

In these moments it is very important to surround yourself with people who love you and in whom you can trust. They can help you get over it and offer you some advice, if they know your relationship well. However, be careful and treat the issue delicately and confidentially, and remember that, after all, you are the one in the relationship and the decision of what to do in the event of infidelity lies with you.

Do relaxing activities and distract yourself. Perhaps it would be good for you to consult with a professional who will help you analyze the situation in which you find yourself and put your ideas in order to make the best decision.

7. Forgive or forget

It may be that, after the act of infidelity, the trust between you has been completely broken and that you do not see the possibility of continuing the relationship without the wounds interfering in the day to day, and for this reason you consider that it is better not to continue. with the relationship.

The final decision to make is a very personal matter that only you can assess according to the balance you make, and it can depend on many factors such as what type of infidelity has occurred, if it has been something specific or something prolonged in time, if it has been purely sexual or also emotional, or the amount of time you have been together and the things you share . In the end, as Roy Galán says in this video podcast, you have to assess whether you are in the right place in a relationship.

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If you decide to forgive the infidelity, you may find over time that living through this ordeal has actually helped you get to know each other better. and your respective needs. After all, nobody is perfect and making our mistakes known without falling into censorship, despite the disappointment that this may imply in the people around us, can be beneficial in the long term.

8. Rebuild the relationship

If you decide to continue with the relationship, you have to assume that the past is part of the past. and be able to make a clean slate. Therefore, everything that has to be discussed must be made clear so that it interferes with the future of your relationship as little as possible.

The relationship has to be reconsidered and start anew, re-establishing a new commitment, under renewed premises that both of you should know.

9. Take care of your self-esteem

In the first moments of knowing the infidelity, It is very important that you dedicate time to doing things that you like, that you give yourself some whimsthat you realize what you are worth, and that you see the totality of your life beyond your relationship.

However, there is no evil that does not come with good and we have good news: several studies have discovered that people who have suffered some infidelity enjoy greater self-esteem and that this has led them to a further personal growth.

10. Your priority is you

You are the center of your life, and you can decide within what you can how you want it to be. The actions that others do do not depend only on you, they are not under your control, and that is a reality that we have to accept and the reason why we stop blaming ourselves and taking excessive responsibility, as long as we consider that we have acted in the right way. best possible way.

After all, you are more than any of the relationships you have with the people around you, and that is something you should never question. That is why it is very important to know yourself well, to know what things make you happy and what hurts you, to know what you need and give you what is best for you.