Why some couples who break up and get back together can have an even better relationship

There are times when some married people may want to have a remote control in their hand, as in the movie Click, in which the protagonist Michael Newman (Adam Sandler) discovers a way to advance, delay or pause events, programming situations in his own life. A parallel with reality are the couples who choose to take a scheduled break in their relationships so that they can experience a course, a distant trip or any other individual dream, without their partner.

We, from awesome.club, we respect all forms of relationships. So we went to find out,
when talking to psychologist Laís Almeida da Silva, how science sees couples who decide to take a vacation from their relationship and how this action can benefit some people. We left a bonus special at the end. Check out!

If one of the sides thinks about having this proposal for a temporary and scheduled removal, it is important that this decision is made with a lot of dialogue. It’s worth talking to your partner and prioritizing what really matters. Each relationship is unique and there is no formula or recipe to follow, but setting limits and making it clear what individually is acceptable or not can be beneficial. The couple also needs to discuss how long this separation will last. The psychologist recommends that it last no more than 12 months.

The couple can reach a consensus to find the reason why this temporary separation is important. It could be a trip, a course or a time to do something that the partner cannot or does not want to do together. This model can work for relationships in which there are life transitions, such as one of the two wanting to live elsewhere for a dream, or work, or even in empty nest phases.

“It is possible to discuss what is considered acceptable, what each one can or cannot do in this interval. The rules and agreements can be adjusted to the needs of each couple, which may be positive for the relationship, generating more security for both. However, it is necessary that the two have a clear understanding of why the separation is important, the time they consider acceptable and what each partner can and cannot do in that interval”, said the psychologist.

Some couples may claim that they don’t find time to prioritize themselves, emphasizing some personal or professional projects that were shelved. Having more time to get your ideas off paper, taking that study trip, such as an exchange program, venturing into a new project at work, a postgraduate course, or even a period to practice self-awareness without a partner can be valuable .

The couple Marc and Sam, both based in London, said in an interview that they wanted to start their honeymoon separately so that each one could live their dreams. They stayed several months apart to dedicate themselves to other passions. A similar situation happened to Pedro Scooby and Cintia Dicker, in which the surfer decided to participate in the BBB, as a professional project. The model helped take care of his three children so that he could participate in the program. “I followed everything until the final decision. I gave the biggest support”, said the model in an interview.

“Preserving individuality is always beneficial to any relationship. Individuals who maintain their leisure, hobbies, prioritize their individual choices tend to have more pleasurable relationships, since they do not place as much expectation of their happiness on their partner”, said Laís.

Behaviors that come out of the traditional often require doses of courage and even daring. An essential item for the couple that evaluates a separation in this style is to have the maturity to deal with the issue, which can prove to be quite challenging for some couples.

Viva and her husband, Jhon, live in the UK and have been through the experience. They said in an interview that the scheduled separation made their relationship like it was when they started dating, seven years earlier, and that they started to love each other even more.

“A temporary breakup is not meant to be a model for everyone, as both sides need to agree to the breakup. If one of the parties has many doubts or takes the action just to please the partner, this can lead to great frustrations and can even mean the end of the romance”, said Laís.

You have to leave insecurity and jealousy aside. And if there is something to be adjusted, the couple really needs to be on an equal footing, that is, exactly on the same page, with aligned ideals and principles. Otherwise, separation will be imminent. A couple that went through a separation in a transitional phase of life and gave love a second chance was Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck (photos). They started dating in 2002. The resumption of the relationship, 20 years later, resulted in marriage.

“Relationships are increasingly taking on different formats, and temporary separation can be indicated for couples who decide together that this option will be beneficial for both, as in that time each one will be able to dedicate themselves to their life projects. It may be a possibility when the relationship goes through some transitions, such as the children leaving home, one of the partners changing jobs, among other situations,” said Laís.

The therapeutic process is positive for several sectors of life, including marriage. There is couples, individual or group therapy, but it is important not to expect therapy to work like magic. Problems and conflicts that accumulate over the years will not be resolved quickly. Relationship consultant Gottman indicates that, on average, couples spend six years being unhappy before seeking help. It’s important to do your part and not wait for the therapist or psychologist to resolve relationship issues.

”The therapy can contribute a lot in this process, because if each one gets stronger, takes care of their own interests, when they return, the relationship will be stronger. The therapeutic process also contributes to self-knowledge, in the way of positioning oneself within the relationship and in other circumstances as well”, explained Laís.

Being in a relationship does not prevent the couple from achieving their individual dreams, nor will there be questions about what life would have been like if one of the parties had not been linked to the other. It is essential to have your own projects and this can be an indication of a healthy marriage.

“It is possible to carry out life projects even while in a relationship. This feeling of “what if” happens when there are many doubts and we do not prioritize what is important, which is aligned with our values. This can happen both in the relationship and in the scheduled separation as well. In marriage, individual interests also need to be conquered and fulfilled, this is beneficial for the couple”, said the psychologist.

When spouses have time for themselves in pursuit of their individual interests and goals, or even for leisure, marriages benefit from these actions. A fresh, less stressful relationship, where you can have the opportunity to do what you like and have some control over your own life can be something positive. So, after achieving projects and personal goals, it’s time to resume marriage. Imagine that this possibility can make the relationship even better.

Some main issues were pointed out by psychologist John Gottman as motivators for the end of a relationship. They are: criticism, contempt, defensive behavior, running away from responsibilities and blocking by refusing to deal with and get involved with problems. When these negative factors outweigh the positive, the couple may not have a future together.

”If the rules are not clear and well agreed upon for the couple, there may be some setbacks such as one of the parties not fulfilling the agreement, becoming romantically involved with someone else, or even realizing that this sabbatical period is more interesting than the relationship itself “, said Lisa.

Would you like to go through an experience like this and take a vacation from the relationship? In your opinion, can this marriage format be positive or is the end of the novel certain? Leave your answer in the comments.