Why do we hurt those we love?

One study found that a lack of empathy toward loved ones is related to a lack of self-love. Let’s delve into it.

Sometimes we hurt those we love, even though The human brain is programmed to empathize with loved ones.. Researchers at the University of Virginia have shown that when faced with a dangerous situation, our minds do not distinguish between their own safety and that of the people they care about.

People’s ability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes depends on whether the person is a stranger or someone they know. The human brain separates familiar people from othersso people’s social environment is intertwined with one’s sense of self at a neurological level.

In this sense, James Coan, professor at the University of Virginia, states that “With familiarity, other people become part of ourselves”. Human beings have evolved to have their own identity in which loved ones are part of their own neural network. That’s why we need to have friends and allies.

The response to a threat

Brain regions responsible for the threat response come into play when a friend is in danger in a manner basically identical to the activity shown when the threat is one’s own. However, when the threat refers to a stranger, these areas of the brain hardly show any activity.

According to Coan, The brain has a great capacity to integrate others, in such a way that close people become a part of oneself. This really makes a person feel under threat when a friend or loved one is in danger.

In Coan’s own words, “If a friend is in danger, we do the same as if we ourselves were under threat. We can understand the pain or difficulty they may be going through just as we can understand our own pain.”

Read Also: Emotional intelligence: the art of tuning into other hearts

Why then do we hurt those we love?

Taking into account the above, it is inevitable to ask the following questions: Why, then, do we sometimes hurt the people we love? Why do outbursts of anger occur? What happens when a person behaves cruelly towards another?

These attitudes, which are usually short and occur episodically, show the most vulnerable part of people. They are a response to separate the other from one’s own neural network.a natural self-protective response.

A solution to break this pattern of behavior is to reinforce self-love. and recognize that negative behaviors towards loved ones when we consider them hateful are a manifestation of the hatred one feels towards oneself.

These behavioral patterns are very often learned within the family and are transmitted generation after generation.

This study offers interesting clues to break the cycle. If a person tries not to defend themselves against themselves, it will be possible to keep others as part of their own neurological framework, which will strengthen the sense of being worthy of love between them. This way, everyone will feel safer.

Other reasons we hurt those we love

1. Low empathy

By having low empathy, people are not aware of the harm they cause to other people and do not know that it is imprudent not to follow up on a call regarding a sick family member or that being emotionally unstable causes pain to the other person.

2. Self-hatred

When people do not love themselves, they project this dislike onto others. In particular, if this self-hatred is due to abusive behavior they have experienced in the past, they will engage in hurtful behavior toward the people they love.

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3. Low self-esteem

When people value themselves low, which is essentially what low self-esteem is, they may not realize how hurtful their actions are to other people.

4. Pleasure in inflicting pain on others

Some people enjoy hurting other people. This may be due to a deeply disturbed and potentially abusive childhood.

We need others more than anything else

Not being empathetic towards loved ones reflects a lack of self-love.. Understanding that this self-hatred is neurobiological and that is why we harm our loved ones should help us realize and not continue with this cycle of anger towards others.

Thus it is possible to understand that the instinctive reaction to the threat is to counterattack in self-defense, which distorts the vicious circle of anger and distrust. If you hate yourself, it makes sense that your empathetic response to those you love would fail. That is why it is so important to build self-love and self-esteem.