toxic mothers-in-law

There is a lot of myth about mothers-in-law being meddlesome, gossiping, controlling, matriarchs (especially the husband’s mother). But it is also true that there are some that are truly to be feared. But The problem is not with the mothers, with those toxic mothers-in-law, but with the children who do not know how to stop their interference.something that ends up generating quite a few conflicts.

Actually, The big problem is not when the mother-in-law throws the first stone, but when the son does not defend his wife. Be careful, the opposite can also happen with the woman’s mother or even with the parents, although it is true that in the latter case it occurs less frequently.

However, as stated above, a person will do what he is allowed to do. It happens at any age. If from the first episode he is politely told not to meddle in matters that do not concern him, there is a greater chance that this will remain just an anecdote.

How do toxic mothers-in-law act?

There are various types of toxic mothers-in-law. However, they all share the characteristic of treat your children as if they were still children; so their actions usually generate conflicts in the relationship.

Besides, They tend to be selfish mothers and/or very dependent on their children.s, so they believe they have the right to interfere in their lives whenever they want.

Among the most common types of toxic mothers-in-law we find:

Those who always criticize

They are those mothers-in-law whose beliefs, values ​​and ways of acting are very different from those of the daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Therefore, they are convinced that their child’s partner does not fit into the family.

For them, their vision of the world is the correct one, so they are not willing to accept other perspectives or ways of doing things. Thus, They tend to criticize everything their daughter-in-law or son-in-law does, and it is almost impossible to dialogue or make the other’s opinion known.

Those who manipulate their children

They are those mothers-in-law who They use their children to satisfy their lacks or emotional needs. So they resort to emotional blackmail for their own benefit and take control of various aspects of their children’s lives.

For example, manipulating your child and your partner so that they do not go on a trip because you will spend the days alone. In this case, the typical phrases would be “If something happens to me, I’ll have to deal with it myself.“, either “I never left my mother alone for even a weekend.“.

sexist mothers-in-law

They tend to be a real nightmare for women, especially for those who break up with him. status quo of the housewife who takes care of her husband and children.

For this type of toxic mother-in-laws, The daughter-in-law should limit herself to doing household chores, taking care of her partner and children.. And, if she does not fulfill this role, she will be the first to give her opinion and pressure for the woman to change.

The ones who always make drama

These are those mothers-in-law who they exhaust their children and their partners with their problems. They are women to whom something always happens and it is very rare when they do not complain about something.

For children and their partners This attitude is usually very exhausting, Well, no matter how much they try to help her, it seems that she doesn’t want to solve anything and that she prefers to stay complaining.

The perfectionists

They are those mothers-in-law who They reject their children’s partners as people, since they consider that they are not good enough for them. Their behaviors can be extremely dangerous, since they usually demonstrate their rejection directly.

In fact, they go so far as to speak badly about their children’s partners with themselves and the rest of the family, with the aim of turning them against them.

Consequences of the toxic attitude of mothers-in-law

When third parties enter a relationship without there being a consensus on the matter, conflict will be the order of the day. There may be a part of jealousy in the wife, or in the mother-in-law, a dispute for the love of the man, but ultimately, those who end up fighting are the husbands.

Therefore, it is important to know how to distribute time and make some things clear when conflicts arise. A relationship is two. Others can have their say, however. There is a fine line between opinion and interference.. So, to what extent should we let mothers-in-law have their say?

One of the keys is to let them express themselves without affecting the relationship. This way, they can say what they want, but the son or daughter can take their words more or less into account. If our relationship is well established and the love is healthy and genuine, we will be more indifferent to what our mothers-in-law say..

Sometimes, even if the intrusion is too obvious, a conversation will be enough. But what happens if we don’t put the brakes on and let them influence the relationship?

unpleasant situations

Statistics indicate that this is the case in most cases. Carrying that family burden can give rise to other situations and can even demonstrate the children’s lack of maturity to not confront their parents, especially those toxic mothers-in-law. Thus, It is very important to have a talk when the mother-in-law’s opinion becomes impertinent intrusion.

From bringing him his favorite food to telling him how to raise his children. (that is, your grandchildren), from wanting to change things about your daughter-in-law to trying to live in the couple’s house (or spend many hours there), everything is possible. It is then that the marriage must demonstrate how strong and mature it is and, above all, that it does not allow itself to be influenced by what “third parties” say.

This does not mean that the mother-in-law is a demon for wanting to help her son and daughter-in-law, because it all depends on how much permission she is given or to what extent she can have an opinion or get involved in other people’s lives. The real problem begins when the son or daughter is not able to recognize the interference., suspicion or rejection of the wife. In many cases, he blames his partner for certain comments, he does not know how to defend his partner, he does not confront her mother, etc.

React to toxic mothers-in-law

Let’s take an example. His mother arrives at the couple’s house, opens the refrigerator and makes sure there is everything her son likes., indicates that that food is not healthy for him or that he is going to prepare his favorite dish. The wife tells the situation to her partner. But, instead of talking to his mother, the man says that he is exaggerating, that he “just wants to help,” to let him have his opinion on the subject of food, that he is not doing it to bother, that it is not wrong.

Up to that point it could be a normal situation for a couple. Now, continuing with that example, the same mother-in-law comes home and tells her son that her wife is messy, that she doesn’t know how to cook, that she doesn’t “take care of” him as she should.

What is the attitude I should (idyllicly) take? Defending your partner, to ask his mother not to interfere, since he is too old to take care of himself. What if she doesn’t? Then something is wrong.

The excuse of not hurting feelings does not count, it is vital to take charge of your dependency. They are complex situations. The fact that the wife behaves in a way that the mother-in-law does not like is not a reason to interfere in the relationship.. If your child is happy, that’s what’s important.

Speaking the people understand

If you want to keep your partner out of this problem, the ideal is to talk without the mother-in-law’s presence.. Make it clear that there is precedent and that this can go further. Analyze your husband’s reaction to know what to expect and how to react if the interference increases. But under no circumstances should the mother-son relationship be broken, much less in front of her. Because there a war can break out.

The ideal would be to acquire a balance in the relationship of that child-partner-mother-in-law triangle. Know how to define the role of each one and what may be a constructive opinion does not become unhealthy criticism. Many mothers may feel jealous of their daughters-in-law, and many daughters-in-law jealous of their mothers.

In these cases, it is essential to be aware that both a mother and the partner are part of life and are important loves, different, but loves.

Tips for dealing with toxic mothers-in-law

For its part, it is also important to know how to manage the relationship with our partner’s mother. In this case we recommend:

Avoid telling your mother-in-law about your intimacies or relationship problemssince it is likely that they can use this information against you.Try look for things that have in common to establish a more positive bond.Avoid falling into provocations and enter into discussions with her. Keep in mind that the one who must set the limits is your partner, for this, it is essential to talk to him/her.Don’t involve children in family discussionsnor use them to harm your mother-in-law.Do not speak ill of your mother-in-law to your partner. Remember that she is her mother and there must be respect. Do not allow her actions to affect you more than necessary. Therefore, downplay their toxic behaviors. If you notice that there are no effects arising for you, you will likely decrease them.

In conclusion, remember that once you commit to your partner, their family becomes part of yours. So, try to improve the relationship with your mother-in-law or, in the worst case, avoid worsening it.

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