The pain that is reborn when an ex finds a new partner

Every love breakup is usually accompanied by pain, to a lesser degree, on one or both sides.. No one finds it pleasant to break a relationship that placed expectations and dreams. Well, once the appropriate stage of mourning has passed, this does not end here. When you discover that your ex already has his heart full, everything can fall apart again.

If this happens shortly after ending the relationship, it usually stings even more. Thoughts of all kinds appear in our minds related to the love he had for us, with the possibility that he has been unfaithful to us or the sadness of considering that, perhaps, he did not love us as much as we intended to see in his gestures.

After this rain of negative reasoning, an inner feeling arises from the fear that our ex has found someone, but we have not yet. Suddenly, we feel old and desperate at the thought of being alone. He has achieved it, but we are not yet ready to start a new relationship. Maybe even yes, but we have decided not to do so so as not to close the door to a possible reconciliation.

I feel like it still belongs to me

We have referred to the possibility of feeling bad when we discover that our ex already has a partner, while we do not yet. However, what happens if we also have a new partner? Why does this jealousy arise in us, all of it a product of discovering that that person’s heart is busy again?

Although you want to believe that you are over the breakup, sometimes this is not the case.. We lie to ourselves by getting involved in new relationships when, in reality, we continue to be “hooked” on our previous partner. We are not talking about love, but about an inertia that leads us to believe that the other person still belongs to us.

In the society we live in, relationships still have a certain meaning of possession. We believe that our companion is our property. This causes us to not see it as a person, but as a territory that must be defended so as not to lose it and so that it is not taken from us.

This rather distorted conception revives this feeling of belonging when everything is over. There is no love, there is nothing left of that. However, we become blind people who are carried away by an uncertain belief that our ex cannot be with anyone else. This fact bothers us, it makes us angry. He is ours, only ours. The person he is with now is a usurper.

My ex keeps hurting me

Not really. Your ex isn’t still hurting you, you’re the one doing it to him. You feel hurt because you haven’t been chosen, because you start to compare yourself with the person he is with now… You notice your insecurity mixed with anger and pain. A jumble of emotions that confuse you. It is necessary to end this. For it:

Avoid comparing yourself: “your partner is younger, prettier, smarter”… Enough! Comparisons always hurt and solve nothing. That person will also have their defects and you have a thousand and one virtues. Stop hurting yourself gratuitously.Leave selfishness behind: Think about that deep-rooted and selfish feeling of possession that prevents us from truly loving. Now is the time to learn from it and realize that even after love is over, you are coveting your ex’s situation.Don’t try to find out about your ex and his new relationship: Don’t monitor their social networks, avoid frequenting the places you know where they are going to be, ask your friends not to talk to you about them… In short, try to focus on other things, especially on yourself and your own well-being.Practice self-care and develop self-love: Do activities that you enjoy, exercise, meditate, go to psychotherapy, know yourself, eat well… do things that bring you happiness and contribute to your personal growth. Learn to love yourself so that your well-being does not depend on what others do.“One nail does not remove another nail.”: Don’t think about dating someone now to feel better about yourself and so that your ex has the same feelings as you. To begin with, it is not good to use people for these purposes and, secondly, you may not make your ex also envy your situation and feel angry.

Remember that love is not what we have been taught. Maybe you are still in love with your ex, but think that when you really love someone the only thing you want is their happiness, even if it is not with you. Turning the page is difficult, but it is also an opportunity to learn and gain security.

Your ex has been a very important part of your life, however Now he must follow his path just as you have to continue on yours.. Stop worrying about a relationship that has already ended. It’s time to look forward. Are you ready to start again?

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Images courtesy of Mark Caplan, Rachel Byran