The death of our beloved parents changes our lives

After the death of parents, life changes a lot. Or maybe, a lot. Facing orphanhood, even for adults, is an overwhelming experience. Deep down in all people there always continues to live that child who can always turn to the mother or father to feel protected. But when they leave, that option disappears forever.

You are going to stop seeing them, not for a week, not for a month, but for the rest of your life. Parents were the people who brought us into the world and with whom we shared the most intimate and fragile things. Those beings through whom, to a large extent, we became what we are will no longer be there.

Death: from talking about it to living it, a great abyss…

We are never fully prepared to face death, even more so if it is that of one of our parents. It is a great adversity that is difficult to completely overcome. Normally, the most that is achieved is to accept it and live with it. To overcome it, at least in theory, we would have to understand it and death, in the strict sense, is completely incomprehensible. It is one of the great mysteries of existence: perhaps the greatest.

Obviously, The way in which we integrate the losses will have a lot to do with the way in which they occurred. A death from so-called “natural causes” is painful, but an accident or murder is more painful. If death was preceded by a long illness, the situation is very different from when it occurred suddenly.

Really, not only a body is leaving, but an entire universe. A world made of words, caresses, gestures. Even repetitive advice that sometimes got a little tiring and “manias” that made us smile or rub our heads because we recognized them in them. Now they begin to miss each other in an incredible way.

Death does not warn. It can be boasted, but it never announces exactly when it will arrive. Everything is synthesized in an instant and that instant is categorical and determining: irreversible. So many experiences lived alongside them, good and bad, suddenly shake and become immersed in memories. The cycle is completed and it is time to say goodbye.

«What is, without being…»

We usually think that that day will never come, until it arrives and becomes real. We are shocked and only see a box, with a rigid and still body, which does not speak or move. That is there, without being there…

Because with death many aspects of the lives of deceased people begin to be understood. A deeper understanding appears. Perhaps the fact of Not having loved ones in mind raises in us the understanding of the reasons for many attitudes. until then incomprehensible, contradictory or even repulsive.

That’s why, Death can bring with it a feeling of guilt towards the person who died. It is necessary to fight against that feeling, since it does nothing but sink you deeper into sadness, without being able to remedy anything. Why blame yourself if you made mistakes? We are human beings and accompanying that farewell there must be forgiveness: from the one who leaves to the one who stays, or from the one who stays towards the one who leaves.

The importance of sharing pain

What to do when our parents die? Debra J. Umberson, professor of sociology at the University of Texas and author of the book The death of a parent: transition to a new adult identity, states:

Furthermore, he adds that, during the duel It can be comforting to spend time with others who have suffered a similar loss.whether they are friends or strangers in support groups.

For his part, David Kessler, founder of grief.com and co-author of the book On Grief and Mourning: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Lossnotes that Sharing pain through online platforms can also help you cope with the situation..

For example, posting a photo of our parents on the anniversary of their death can help us connect with friends and family who are also grieving.

Additionally, Kessler highlights how a primordial need for “our pain to have witnesses”since isolating ourselves can be harmful.

What to do when our parents die?

In addition to the previous suggestions, the following can also be taken into account:

Recognize and accept feelings. It can be tempting to try to suppress feelings. However, doing so will only prolong the pain and grief. Instead of hiding, it is better to allow yourself to feel and, whenever possible, express the emotions so they can be processed.Talk about the death of a loved one with friends or colleagues can help you understand what has happened. Avoidance can lead to isolation and will disrupt the healing process with support systems.Using creation to express and process pain. After losing a parent, it can be difficult to talk about the pain and make others understand. Expressing your emotions through a creative outlet can help you process your feelings. Remember and celebrate life. Anniversaries of a lost parent can be difficult times for friends and family, but they can also be a time to remember and honor them.Take care of your physical health to gain strength and cope. Grief can affect emotional and physical well-being. Therefore, it is necessary not to neglect the health of the body.Create new traditions. Even if you don’t want to forget the special traditions that were shared with that mom or dad, it can be helpful to create new traditions to celebrate special or significant moments.

Enjoy them while you can: they won’t be around forever…

When parents die, regardless of age, people often experience a feeling of abandonment. It is a death different from the others. At the same time, some people refuse to give the fact the importance it deserves, as a defense mechanism, in the form of a covert denial. But these unresolved grief returns in the form of illness, fatigue, irritability or symptoms of depression.

It doesn’t matter how many conflicts or differences you have had with them: they are unique and irreplaceable beings in the emotional world. Although we are autonomous and independent, although our relationship with them has been tortuous. When they are no longer there, their absence is experienced as a “never again” for a form of protection and support that, in one way or another, was always there.

In fact, those who did not know their parents, or distanced themselves from them at an early age, tend to carry those absences like a burden their entire lives. An absence that is presence: there remains in the heart a place that always calls for them.

In any case, one of the great losses in life is that of parents. It can be difficult to overcome if there was injustice or negligence in the treatment of them. That’s why, While they are alive, it is important to be aware that parents will not be there forever. What they are, genetically and psychologically, is the reality that gave rise to us. That they are unique and that life will change forever when they are gone.

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