The belief of being unlovable and incapable: Cognitive Psychology

In Cognitive Psychology, we find two core beliefs that cause many psychological problems: the belief of not being able (helplessness) and the belief of not being worthy of receiving love. In this text, we will try to better explain how beliefs work in the cognitive model and how these two main beliefs appear.

Automatic beliefs and thoughts

In the theory of cognitive psychology, psychological problems are analyzed in their actuality. When a patient reports having some kind of suffering, this suffering is related to thoughts and feelings supported by beliefs. In a sense, beliefs are also thoughts, the difference is that such thoughts – called beliefs – organize, guide, guide a very large series of behaviors and emotions.

For example, a person doing a math exercise might have the thought that the exercise is difficult. Or the thought that she doesn’t know how to do that exercise. Before or during the attempt, the same person may have a negative belief that he is “weak in math” or “that he is stupid”. This belief in their own inability may generate a feeling of sadness or a demotivated attitude that makes them stop trying.

Another person may also think that the exercise is difficult or that they don’t know how to do that exercise specifically. However, if she does not have the negative belief about her inability, and maintains the belief “I am smart”, “I can learn if I make an effort”, she can keep trying and go on finding ways to understand the problem and solve it.

A belief, therefore, will guide behavior. Actually, a series of thoughts. The person who has the belief “I am stupid” will have a high probability of not wanting to learn, of dropping out of school or of not attending college. Which is why modifying a fundamental belief will impact an entire area of ​​life and often even multiple areas.

Belief in unkindness

In addition to the inability belief (of not being smart or capable of doing or learning something), we often find the belief that the self is “unworthy of love” or “unworthy of love” or insufficient and therefore unworthy of admiration. , affection, etc.

A fact is just a fact. But a fact is interpreted through automatic thoughts and supported by a base belief. Imagine a person who has just ended a relationship. Millions of people end relationships every day, right? However, the way of seeing, of interpreting this fact will be based on belief. Didactically, we can divide into beliefs that the self is worthy of love and affection, and beliefs that it is not.

A person who believes that his being or his self is not worthy of love, when ending a relationship, may have a series of automatic thoughts that there is something wrong with him, that he will never find someone nice to live with, of that there is no use in trying, &c.

A person with a more positive belief, on the other hand, will understand that – although the breakup is unpleasant in the first moments – there is the possibility of finding someone nice, of loving and being loved, that, in short, your personality and being is interesting and being alone is just a phase.

Some examples of beliefs

In the book Cognitive Therapy, Theory and Practice, Judith Beck raises some examples of these two types of practices, which she calls Core Beliefs of Helplessness and Not Being Wanted (lack of love).

Core Beliefs of Helplessness

I am helpless.

I am helpless

I’m out of control

I’m weak.

I’m vulnerable.

I am needy.

I’m stuck.

I’m inadequate.

I’m inefficient.

I’m incompetent.

I am a failure.

I am disrespected.

I am defective (i.e., I don’t measure up to others).

I’m not good enough (in terms of achievement).

Beliefs of Not Being Wanted (lack of love).

I am not capable of being loved.

I am capable of being liked.

I’m unwanted.

I’m not attractive.

Nobody wants me.

Nobody cares about me.

I’m bad.

I have no worth.

I am different.

I am imperfect (ie, so others won’t love me).

I am not good enough (to be loved by others).

I’m about to be rejected.

I am doomed to be abandoned.

I’m about to be alone.

change of beliefs

It is not always evident what kind of beliefs we have and hold. Eventually, in moments of greater vulnerability, we may develop negative beliefs, perceptible only through automatic thoughts. In these stages of life, it is important to recognize that we are not well and seek psychotherapeutic help.

With psychotherapy, the professional will be able to help accurately identify the negative beliefs that are acting, assist in monitoring beliefs over days and weeks and, most fundamentally, in modifying them and strengthening new, positive and more beliefs. healthy.

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