Psychological games in relationships

Many of the psychological games that we use in our relationships are the result of our life script.. An emotional and behavioral pattern that we develop in childhood under the influence of our parents and that later accompanies us for many years.

The life script and the psychological games in the couple are overlapping phenomena. Are these psychological games that determine how we spend our time in relationships and they end up shaping the couple’s script.

The life script

The life script is a term coined by psychiatrist Eric Berne, founder of the Transactional School, and refers to the role we play in our relationship with others, as if we were acting in a play. It is a role that we develop because it has been given to us and that ends up becoming a mask of which we are not aware. Furthermore, we often reinforce this life script with experience.

It acts as a mark that was installed in us at an early age and that it will direct our lives unless we become aware of it and work to modify it.

The life script is established based on two elements:

The commands: or “curses”. The prohibitions or inhibitions imposed on the child. They refer to the denial of an activity and are projections of the parents’ fears and desires.Attributions: they are the “labels” with which we all carry and that have been placed on us as children. They are also the result of the projections of our reference figures and they shape us from a very early age. They limit the child to being or doing a certain way: “you are just like your father” or “you are bad, clumsy…”, “you cannot be trusted.”

Couple Scripts: psychological games

In adulthood, and at the time of relating to others, the life script gives way to the couple script which is defined by the psychological games that the couple uses to relate to each other based on each one’s life script.

Psychological games determine the way the relationship is lived. They fill the life of the couple because it is with these games that both occupy the time they are together.. They are a very destructive form of exchange. In these psychological games, scripts of submission, dominance and isolation occur.

submission script

One member of the couple plays the role of victim and demands protection from the other.. If you do not receive or do not perceive from the other the protection and attention you need, that is, if manipulation does not work, attacks of rage appear and the script of persecution and blaming your partner begins.

This variant of the submission script usually lasts a short time because it endangers the couple’s relationship. The victim scenario is quickly assumed again and The cycle continues, escalating, giving way to increasingly aggressive aggression..

Dominance script

In couples who spend their time in psychological games of domination One of the two plays a dominating or persecuting role. It is a script based on the exercise of power and competition with the other. He does it with the purpose of imposing his values, his criteria and his opinions. This member of the couple needs to demonstrate that he is the one who contributes and not the other.

In the moments of the game when the dominator loses, insecurity quickly appears. Hostility will be shown to the point of “saving” the loss for a next rematch. It is a psychological game that ends up exhausting the relationship.

Isolation script

These couples develop the psychological game of staying distant and away from emotional commitments. They manage indifference and coldness until one of them needs to return to a closer distance, which generally occurs in passionate sexual encounters, to return to the distance again with any excuse, be it a fight or a job. It is a come-and-come relationship.

Finally, it should be noted that changing these life scripts and ending the psychological games in the couple is a process that involves the recognition of them and the express desire to want to change them. Otherwise, These psychological games will often lead to the breakup of the couple..

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