My partner doesn’t tell me his worries, why is that?

“My partner doesn’t tell me his worries, he keeps everything to himself and doesn’t explain anything to me”. There are many people who complain about this same thing in their emotional relationship. It is a fairly common phenomenon that usually causes arguments, disagreements, discomfort and often even distances. Communication is that pending subject that not everyone can (or wants) to master.

There are those who call these relational figures “scab people.” They are personalities that build an impenetrable layer around themselves, preventing anyone or anything from penetrating it.. Often, defensive reactions are added to this layer of isolation. In the face of any attempt at rapprochement using phrases like “what are you thinking or what worries you?”, the only thing that is always achieved is the anger and discomfort of the other.

As we accumulate experiences of this type, the bond becomes frictional and painful. Because when communication fails, trust falls into pieces and without this pillar the relationship loses intimacy and meaning. We are facing a highly relevant problem that is worth delving into..

My partner doesn’t tell me his worries, why is that?

“There’s nothing wrong with me. Leave me alone”. This is surely the most common reaction when we try to get closer to our partner in those moments when, for whatever reason, we perceive them to be more worried than usual. These types of responses and behaviors are experienced with confusion and, above all, with suffering.

If there is one thing we all know, it is that one of the keys to happy relationships is good communication.. However, when we fall in love with someone it is very difficult to achieve the “complete package”. That is to say, ensuring that your loved one has good skills in terms of emotional intelligence, empathy, understanding and communication is not exactly easy.

However… Why is it? Why are some people reluctant to share their concerns and emotional realities with their partner? We analyze it.

Personalities who live on the defensive

One of John Gottman’s most respected theories is that of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. After more than four decades of work, he and his team studied more than 3,000 couples. From this work, it was concluded that One of the biggest problems in a relationship is defensive communication.

Cutting off lines of communication, shutting down, or, even more so, reacting with contempt to the concern of others is a drag on a person’s social adaptation. Now, why do we act this way? Behind self-defense there is insecurity, since it is about assuming that the other person cannot understand their reality.

In many cases, A lot of accumulated frustration and unaddressed internal realities may also be evident.

Fear of vulnerability, showing emotions makes me feel weak

Why doesn’t my partner tell me his worries? You may well be afraid of being vulnerable. Today, the relationship between vulnerability and fragility hovers over social thought. Our partners may feel that the dialogue about their concerns strips them and leaves them defenseless against a possible attack, now or in the future.

Poor education in emotional matters and communication

Communication problems have, in many cases, their roots in childhood.. The family fabric is what nourishes us in those life skills such as managing emotions, trust, empathy and conversational skills.

Thus, if someone grows up in an environment in which emotional needs are neglected or no type of attachment is built between the parent and the child, it is common for many gaps to be left in adulthood. It is difficult to share thoughts and needs with others in adulthood, when no one allowed us to do so during our childhood.

Lack of trust: the feeling that the other is not going to understand them

Another factor that causes my partner not to tell me about his worries may be due to another reality that is, to say the least, problematic. You may assume that I will not understand your inner reality. You may assume that I won’t be able to tune into what’s happening to you…

On the other hand, we cannot ignore another fact, and that is the lack of confidence in ourselves.

How to get our partner to open up more to us?

If a defensive climate abounds in a relationship, lack of trust and communication difficulties often open unbridgeable gaps in that bond. It is a priority to keep in mind that communicating is not just having everyday conversations.. A relationship is not sustained by inconsequential dialogues, talking about the weather, the series we watch and other superficial aspects.

Communicating is also going deeper into emotions, concerns and needs.. It is opening ourselves to the other in an authentic way to help each other, understand each other and share. This is more than a pillar, it is an indisputable psychological tendon. What to do then if this does not happen?

My partner doesn’t tell me his worries, what can I do?

From the University of Florida, Dr. Victor Harris conducted a study to compile those strategies that should improve communication between couples. It is true that we can assume that “the other person has the problem”, but It is important to remember that, in the event of any disagreement, we must work together.

Let’s see what strategies we could adopt.

Let’s avoid putting pressure. Let’s make it clear to our partner that we are When you need it, we are there for him or her at any time and when you want. We want to help, understand and accompany. Love is sharing, not judging or criticizing. It is good to remember that communicating concerns is not demonstrating any type of weakness. Sharing thoughts with your loved one is a psychological value that enriches and strengthens the bond. Hermeticism weakens it and even breaks it.We will look for the moment when the other person is most relaxed and receptive.. In those moments, it is good to start a conversation in which to avoid direct questions. This would be an example that we could follow: “I’ve noticed that you seem more worried lately. I think there’s something that’s bothering you, you know you can tell me whenever you want. I love you and I am with you for whatever you want.”

In conclusion. It is true that these situations are complicated and in certain cases, even fruitless. Let us become aware that Communication in a relationship is that gear that makes everything work. Let’s improve this life and well-being competition.

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