Knowing how to say no: assertiveness psychological strategies

We all know how to articulate the word “no” and yet, how many times has it remained hidden in our throats? It pays to learn to say “no”first of all as a act of recognition and respect towards oneself which, in addition, makes us gain self-esteem and prevents them from abusing us or from being caught in an emotional dependency.

In doing so, relationships gain authenticity and true reciprocity. Little by little we are discovering that our fears are not fulfilled and that, in general, people are neither angry with us nor reject us.

It is true that some friendships (few) can be lost, but those that remain are much more truthful and satisfactory from the human point of view.

Besides, the newly gained security in oneself contributes to making relationships much calmer. The “volcano effect” is no longer favored, nor is energy spent accumulating anger and resentment, nor is memory occupied trying to remember what excuses have been given or what stories have been told.

Paradoxically, people end up valuing us and taking us much more into account. We can even hear them admiring our “personality” while enjoying feel much more grounded in yourself. Thus, it is convenient to adopt the psychological strategies of assertiveness to learn to say no and begin to gain self-esteem.

lose fear of criticism

The person who finds it hard to say no is often very sensitive to criticism, especially those used to confuse and manipulate based on inducing feelings of guilt.

It is worth remembering the Golden Rule for these cases: Do not deny criticism or fight back other. In the face of criticism, basically three things can be done:

Admit that the statement is true. To a friend who reproaches us for not having invited him to a party, we can reply: “It’s true, I didn’t invite you to my birthday.”Recognize that it may be true. If, upon arriving home, the couple blurts out to us: “If you didn’t spend so many hours trying to get along with your boss, you wouldn’t come back in such a bad mood”, we can simply reply: “Maybe you’re right, if I didn’t work so hard maybe I wouldn’t. I would be in such a bad mood.Express that the statement is logical. The mother of one of the two young people who have been living together for years insists over and over again that they get married, to which he responds: “You’re right, mom, what you say is true. When we understand that it suits us, we will get married.” “.

By reacting in this way we do not forget that each person can have a part of the truth and that probably all the criticisms contain some reason. But the attitude that prevails is that of those whodespite everything, he allows himself to judge for himself and do what he decide in conscience.

Who is clinging to the idea that mistakes are bad and that, therefore, when committing one is “guilty”is compelled to ask for forgiveness and find a way to make up for the shortfall, or to adopt a defensiveness looking for what to accuse others of.

Instead of that it is preferable to accept the error simply for what it is, a mistake, without magnifying or overlooking it. Thus, more energy is available to apply what can be learned from each mistake.

What happens when you say no

When they receive a “no” to something they have proposed or done, insecure people tend to take it as a rejection of their own personwith which the effect can be devastating.

But if someone wants to dare to say “no” when you feel you have to You must also be able to accept negatives. from others without becoming demoralized.

For this, it is important clearly differentiate between what we do and what we are. What is the other telling us?

You have not liked something that we have expressed or done; but is not stating that let’s be valid as people it is rejecting us globally.

Although, if so, one thing is what someone may think of us and another, very different, what we are as a last resort.

Most likely, the other’s “no” is simply expressing that they are a person who values ​​themselves and who values ​​our friendship or relationship because, if not, why should they bother?

With your sincere “no” you are giving us the chance to get to know you better. and that we can make ourselves known better. Isn’t this the path that leads to deepen human relationships?

Strategies to be able to say no (assertiveness)

Trying not to hurt another person’s feelings is just as important as expressing your own needs clearly.

inquire into oneself

It is important to ask yourself a series of questions in order to understand why it is so hard for us to say “no”.

whatWhat am I most afraid of? when giving a refusal?

TO What people or situations do I find most difficult? deny me?

If someone is especially hurt when something is denied, they can easily expect the same reaction from others.

Gain time

It is useful to gain time before answering, in order to clarify yourself and gain strength to present your own opinion.

discover our desires

it suits wonder what you really wantbeyond what others want.

In some cases both desires will be even, sometimes the person may decide to adaptbut in others the best decision may be to refuse.

How to express rejection without hurting

Since a refusal can be unpleasant, it is important take care of the shape in which it is expressed:

Recognize the needs and feelings of the other person.Explain the reason for rejection the proposition, appealing to one’s own needs and feelings.Do not blame or manipulate (To achieve the collaboration of others, it is not usually a good measure to make them responsible for their own ills).Make sure the other person has understood the decision.offer alternatives taking into account the mutual needs.

Stand firm in the negative without losing respect

Once a decision has been expressed, it is important keep it, or reach a renegotiation.

One has to repeat tensely, calmly and without getting angry what one wants.

For example, before a home salesperson we don’t have to explain why why we do not want to buy a product; no lie saying that we already have it; nor refute its coherent arguments; nor answer other collateral questions about the customs of the children. It is enough to repeat that we understand your reasons but that your offer does not interest us.

The key consists of stand firm and overcome the belief that everything that is said must be a consequence of what the other has said.

It should also be remembered that we don’t have to answer a question we don’t want to answernor provide more information than we are interested in.

Doing what you don’t want is also a choice

There is self help books directed to people who do not know how to say “no” or set limits to the demands of others.

Frequently insist on the need to recognize what one wants to do and act following this criterion rather than trying to adapt to external needs or desires.

Taken to the extreme, this position would lead to selfishness. in family and social relationships.

It is true that ignoring one’s desires generates discomfort that ends up being directed towards others or towards oneself. But we must not forget that sometimes we decide to do something that we clearly don’t feel like doing because we are guided by a higher order value.

Caring for a mother with Alzheimer’s disease may not fill us with joy, for example, but we do because we consider it our duty or as a way of sharing their last steps in this world.

In a situation of these characteristics, it is not a matter of ignoring what we feelbut to take it into account as one more element in the assessment and decision-making process.

It is not an easy task learn to say “no”, gradually overcome insecurity, defend the ideas in which we believe or what we want, to be able to set limits to how much can surpass us or stop those who intend to abuse us…

But all overcoming process hides the fascination for what makes us more human: our ability to grow and broaden personal horizons. the effort is worth it.

Books to learn to say no

Don’t say yes when you want to say no; Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer. Ed. GrijalboKnow and dare to say no; Sarah Family. Ed.AmatQuestion of dignity; Walter Riso. Ed. Granica