If I have to ask you, yes I want it

Our partner is not aware of everything we think and feel (just as we are not). Thus, good communication is important to help us manage the expectations that we all have in this regard.

If I have to ask you, yes I want it. If I have to ask you, I will know that you don’t know what I think about at all times, so I will appreciate that you do it. This idea is born as a contrast to the erroneous conception of love “if I have to ask you, I don’t want it anymore”, unfortunately so common.

With “if I have to ask you, yes I want it” we admit that Being a couple does not grant us the supernatural powers of knowing everything we hope and desire, thus acting accordingly. For example, we expect our partner to wish us good night every day. However, that person does not need or give importance to that habit, so he does not act accordingly.

It is at this moment when we can become angry for not seeing our desires fulfilled, producing a conflict in the relationship. Wouldn’t it be easier to express to our partner that we would like to have a specific routine instead of waiting for them to do it and getting angry if they don’t?

“Emotional disturbance is not created by situations but by the interpretations we give to those situations.”

-Albert Ellis-

The power of expectations

All human beings begin relationships with an idea of what this type of relationship entails.. Within this scheme there are expectations often based on previous experiences and on the relationship models that we have learned in the family system. Literature and cinema also influence beliefs about love.

Having certain expectations can be adaptive and is part of the relationship. Now, the danger of Expectations appear when we believe that they include the list of the other’s obligations.. Therefore, it is essential to be aware of the subjective part of this type of projections as well as the need to communicate them.

What is a myth?

A myth is a shared, false belief that is not true.. This belief is often supported by biased argumentation that ignores part of reality. This assumption of the myth as a real fact leads the person (and also the groups) to commit a series of errors.

Each person has their own idea of love, based on their personal, family and cultural experiences. In this scheme, ideas such as: “anything goes for love” and “jealousy is a test of love” can occupy a prominent place.. This type of conception of love is biased, since it shows a love destined to fade away.

Types of myths

The love conquers all. Respect and trust come as standard in love, so conflicts cannot exist or if they exist they will go away on their own. It is not necessary to talk and resolve conflicts, because with love it is resolved. A very erroneous misconception if possible. My partner should satisfy all my needs, the emotional shortcomings that I have. We are not usually aware of the needs that we bring to our partner from our childhood. Probably if we suffer an emotional lack we may be hoping to compensate for it from our partner. Reason that will lead us to a level of demand towards the other person, which may not be satisfied. “If I have to ask you, I don’t want it.”A certain amount of jealousy is a test of loveHe shows me that he loves me. A completely wrong idea, since jealousy is proof, yes, but of self-doubt.The perfect match. Thinking that there is someone perfect for yourself like two better half. This concept leads to clinging to a bond because you think that you will never find a being so perfect for yourself, or that if you found him or her when you broke up, the chances of finding love again are over.When you are in love it is impossible to feel attraction for another person.. It is very common to experience some type of affinity and attraction throughout our lives with other people without this meaning that we no longer love the partner; they are not exclusive concepts.

“Do not let your partner occupy your entire being and mind, in such a way that there is no room for you. “To love is not to disappear.”

-Walter Riso-

If I have to ask you… How do I overcome high expectations in my partner?

If I have to ask you, yes I want it: Communicate to your partner what your priorities are. Each person is different and what is important to you may not be important to that person. Our partner does not have to take for granted what we expect. Hence, communication is essential to express each member of the couple where their limits are regarding the relationship and what they expect from it. If I have to ask you, I will understand that you are not a fortune teller of my thoughts.Establish where your own limits are: the aspects that are non-negotiable for you. Be clear, think, about the important limits for you. What aspect do you not tolerate under any circumstances in a partner?How much of the conflict is about the relationship and how much is about an unmet personal expectation? Hanging the backpack on the other for not fulfilling what we want, when it is possible that the partner has no idea what we want. Identify if the conflict is based on expectation or if it is really a problem within the couple.Identify one’s own emotional shortcomings, which I can be depositing in the other. Express these needs, avoiding placing this responsibility on your partner.Flexibility: Think that your partner is not going to fit into any mold, no matter how much idealization you may have come to believe so. Looking for a relationship in which the other must fulfill everything we want is a mistake. It is advisable to have certain expectations, as long as they are not extreme and invade the relationship.Respect, be willing to negotiate the differences in the couple.Accept that person as they arewithout trying to continually change it.

Read Also: The elephant that lost its wedding ring, a story to think about

In short, it is essential in healthy relationships to start from the idea “if I have to ask you, I will appreciate that you take my needs into account, and if you don’t, I will understand that you are different and you don’t have to do everything I want.”