“I don’t know how I feel”: why does it happen and what can I do?

Problems identifying emotions are common; The main reason is that no one has taught us how to do it.. The lack of importance that is usually given to mental health is a factor that contributes to people ignoring how they feel. “I don’t know how I feel” is a phrase that psychologists often hear in psychotherapy sessions.

Not knowing how we feel can become a real problem, since emotions fulfill various functions.. Therefore, having problems recognizing them prevents us from processing them and learning from them. Even not being able to recognize and express feelings can be associated with various mental health complications.

Why don’t I know how I feel?

Frequently, when we are asked: “How are you?”, we automatically respond with “good.”. However, is it really about well-being or is it a response we give automatically?

This can lead us to another important question: how many times a day do you stop to think about how you feel? If we take into account the studies carried out in this regard, it is likely that you do not do it often.

Now, if you don’t know how you feel, even when you try to focus on it, it’s a different situation. In that case, we could encounter different types of obstacles to recognizing and expressing feelings. For this reason, we hear these patients say “I don’t know how I feel” when faced with any question that involves their emotions.

Identifying the root of the problem is one of the keys to treating it effectively. Otherwise, it could become more intense and chronic and even disabling. We’ll see now the most frequent causes of this type of emotional shock.

1. Lack of emotional education

Unlike mathematics, language or history, emotional education is not part of the curriculum. Since we are little, we learn to differentiate emotions thanks to socialization experiences. That is to say, the little or the much we learn we usually do implicitly. Our speeches are more populated with causes and consequences of our emotional state than with descriptors of this emotional state.

Today we know that language is very important when it comes to sharing, transmitting, differentiating or identifying. Therefore, to a large extent, For our emotional learning it is necessary to enrich our emotional semanticsboth for the conversations we have with others and for our internal dialogue.

2. Alexithymia

Alexithymia It is linked to problems identifying and expressing one’s emotions. It is not a disorder classified in any official manual, but many specialists take it as a particular condition.

One study mentions that there is enough evidence to affirm that Alexithymia is linked to the inhibition of certain brain regions, such as the amygdala and insula. Likewise, the anterior cingulate cortex and the prefrontal cortex would be related to this alteration (Goerlich, 2018). Along these same lines, the lack of emotional education can be a factor that contributes to its development.

2. Depression

Depressive episodes can cause affective flattening. A depressed patient might have trouble even identifying the depressive feeling itself. In fact, there are studies that associate alexithymia with depression, but the evidence is not conclusive (Hemming et al., 2019).

How to foster emotional intelligence

Although it is a problem that can affect us in several ways, it is possible to work on it. As we mentioned before, learning is a factor that determines someone’s ability to recognize emotions. For this reason, it is possible to develop greater emotional intelligence by applying certain strategies that we will show you below.

1. Accept your emotions

One of the main reasons why someone says “I don’t know how I feel” is because they don’t accept their emotions.. There are people who tend to repress what they feel because they do not feel capable of managing their feelings. Or they may be afraid of “exploding” if they were to express their emotions openly.

Thus, The first step is to accept emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. Keep in mind that your emotions serve to learn about yourself and your environment.

For example, when you feel sadness, you may realize that something that happened affects you in some way. A good idea to achieve this goal is to practice mindfulness. This therapeutic technique invites us to focus on the present and accept our emotions and thoughts without judging them. Therefore, it can be useful to increase your emotional intelligence.

2. Pay attention to your body sensations

Emotions have a very important physiological component. An example would be the “butterflies” that you feel in the stomach when there is romantic attraction. These types of bodily reactions are important indicators that will help you identify how you feel. A useful technique is targeting.

Let’s imagine a hypothetical situation where a patient is feeling anger, but cannot identify said emotion. You may, without realizing it, clench your fists when you talk about something that makes you angry.. In that case, the therapist might ask you to focus your attention on your fists and think about how you feel. It would also be helpful to ask him to imagine what his fists would say if they could talk.

3. Develop coherence between your mind and your behavior

People can act in dissonance with our emotional state to fit into the social context. For example, when we have to remain at a social event, with a smile on our face, out of respect for the person being honored, when in reality we feel very sad. In the same way, we can behave this way because we are in a situation that overwhelms us.

This lack of coherence between emotions and actions can cause us to dissociate from them.. So, we end up ignoring them because it makes it more comfortable for us to avoid problems or satisfy social pressures.

4. Keep an emotions diary

Writing down thoughts in a journal can be a good idea to get to know your inner world better. from a broader perspective.

If you keep track of your emotions over a period of time, you will end up having a very valuable tool to help you. A journal allows you to see what types of situations affect you and how they do so.

5. Consider psychological care

To end, Think about the possibility of receiving care from a professional to work through your conflicts. Especially if you are experiencing other symptoms, such as fatigue, apathy, hopelessness, suicidal ideation or other possible signs of depression. As we have seen, the phrase “I don’t know how I feel” can contain a whole series of conflicts that affect your health.

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