I decided to conduct an experiment and praise my son for everything, including when he behaved like a little monster.

A few days ago, I went to the supermarket with my son. As usual, he ran into the toy section and started screaming and kicking. Already a little irritated, I said I wouldn’t take anything because we were going to buy food. And actually, he’s not so little anymore. Then, beside me, I saw a boy clutching a toy car, screaming at top volume and stomping his foot. His mother was calm as a rock. She just smiled and said something to him calmly. The boy calmed down and they left. Without taking the toy. It was like magic… How did she do that?

My name is Maria and, like many parents, it seemed impossible to raise children without arguments or fights. The truth is that this ritual of scolding, screaming, disapproving about studies, about the lack of cleanliness in the house and things like that, has already left me quite exhausted. Therefore, especially for awesome.clubI decided to do a little family experiment.

I wouldn’t say my son and I fight. In fact, many moments — from the trip to school to the tour of the museum — are accompanied by repetitive and tiring mornings. I ask meaningful but meaningless questions like, “How can you scream so much? Who throws a tantrum like that?”, while the child throws himself on the ground in despair.

The main thing is that it does not generate any effect. Homework isn’t done more quickly, the room isn’t clean, and everyone ends up equally tired and dissatisfied. I don’t have the strength to just ignore the child, so I decided to change the approach. What if, instead of scolding my child, I praise him?

I need to say that verbal encouragement in child rearing is evaluated by psychologists in different ways. Some experts say that the lack of encouragement from parents leads to low self-esteem. Others argue that excessive praise rewards the child with the wrong motivation.

Psychologists say that the most important thing is not to positively evaluate the child or his innate qualities, but his attitudes. And even that must be done in exceptional situations. Otherwise, the little one will get used to improving behavior just to hear nice words, not to achieve a certain constructive goal.

But what I did was different: I tried to offer praise for everything, including things that are generally not worthy of approval. I set the deadline to be one week and started with the simplest. Instead of getting ready for bed, my son would jump up and down the backyard, shooting imaginary aliens. My head was already dizzy from all the “Tweety” and “Bang-bang”. I wanted to scream, “To bed now!”

I couldn’t scream, but I couldn’t think of anything positive to say about these space battles. I put my imagination to work and I blurted out, “Very good! Exercising before bed, that’s great!” The child even got scared, looked at me confused and soon informed me that he didn’t want to sleep. “That’s good”, I replied confidently and swallowing my pride, because I would have liked him to read a book before bed instead of running around madly in the backyard.

The next morning started surprisingly smoothly. Without my reminding him, he washed up, had breakfast and got ready for school. All this took just 10 minutes longer than usual, when I need to insist, wear myself out and fight. At least everyone was happy and satisfied.

With the food, we had problems: “The meat is strange, there is tomato in my pasta, this pepper is green, I only like the red one…” It’s really offensive to hear a 9-year-old talking about the failure of her culinary talents. I couldn’t think of anything positive in response. So, swallowing hard, he said, “It’s good that you’re being honest about what you like and don’t like. When I was little, I was embarrassed to say it and, you know, it didn’t help at all”. My son was even very interested in finding out more. So for the rest of the meal I told dramatic stories from my childhood, when I was forced to eat carrot steaks and stuffed eggplants.

My only mistake: me I forgot to warn my husband about the experiment. And the plan backfired. I went from disapproval to praise, and my husband continued to maintain discipline. The little one took little time to realize the confusion: the mother praised him, the father scolded him. After receiving yet another scolding from his father, my son rushed to my side, complaining about the “mean” father. I had to explain to my husband what was going on.

Conflict was inevitable: he found the idea totally crazy. My husband knows that the child only obeys when under control, and I thought of something totally contrary to that. Not to mention I haven’t talked to him before. Well, I didn’t think of any good reasons and just convinced him to wait a week and see the results – whether it would work or not. But my husband did not want to participate in the experiment. I felt like I was on the wrong track at that point.

Homework was another daily torment. First, it was necessary to force the child to at least sit down at the table to study. Then we had to listen to the endless complaints that it was all rubbish, the exercises were useless, and the books were too long. On the thirty-fifth request to take the book and notebook (without any movement on his part), I thought I would soon lose my mind or start crying desperately. And my son just said: “Five more minutes…” So this time I did it differently and said: “Okay, you yourself know how to allocate your time in the best way”. He was very confused and then he looked at me and exclaimed, “Mom, is that sarcasm?” I thought for a moment and confessed, “No, it’s an experiment, son.”

I told him about my idea: that I was fed up with fighting all the time and that I was going to compliment him. And that way we would know if it would have any effect. My mother-in-law did not accept it and fought with me for praising the child. “Because? The room is a mess, homework hasn’t been done. What will become of him in the future?”, she repeated. I just replied that my son’s nerves and mine were more important; and he could learn to clean and study. In his time.

One time, my son betrayed me. The teacher scolded him for making a mess of the notebook — it was stained with ink and dirt. He replied that the mother (me) had praised him for it. That night, I received a WhatsApp message from her and I preferred to reply that it would be better for him to learn to identify and correct his own mistakes than to be afraid of making them.

I couldn’t always keep up the compliments. My son and I were once on a crowded bus. He sat there, fiddling with his cell phone. Next to it, a woman in her 60s was standing. I whispered to him, “Get up, can’t you see the eldest aunt?” He replied, “She’s not that old.” I was embarrassed. Then the lady said, “Thank you so much boy for the compliment, I really am not that old.” My son smiled at her and replied: “If you want, I’ll give you a little space or hold your bag”. We got off at the point, I couldn’t stand it and yelled at him🇧🇷 His eyes widened and, upset, he said: “Mom, you promised not to fight with me”.

I was shaking with rage. After all, he was already big: how could he behave like that? Later I calmed down and I felt a little embarrassed. The problem was not in his “rude” phrase, but in the breach of my promise. I hugged my little one and said, “Sorry, some bad habits are hard to break. But there weren’t many ways to praise you at that moment, agree?”

I didn’t find the experiment easy. I decided to ask my son what his impressions were. Of course, he said he liked everything, he just found it tiring having to remind me at various times that I should praise him, because I forgot. I was quite discouraged by these words.

Was I so used to yelling at the child on any occasion that I couldn’t follow the rules of the experiment for a week? What kind of mother am I? My husband was not happy with my teaching experiences either. In his opinion, our son’s behavior hasn’t changed much. Nonetheless, he noticed that I started complaining less, which was great. Thinking about all that, I’ve decided I’m not going to follow through with the constant compliments. But I will focus on fighting less. With my son and with my husband. First, I’ll think of something positive to say, and only after I’ve thought it through, will I choose the right words to say out loud.

As a conclusion, I cannot say that we no longer have problems with discipline and homework done on time, but the house has become calmer. Praising the child for absolutely everything, including the nonsense he does, makes no sense. The process will either become a game or it will start to look like a bad joke. What I can say is that I got rid of the tedious reproaches, punishments and daily sermons. Everyone became calmer. Now, my son is open-hearted that scolding is not the best way to get what he wants.

What approach do you use in raising your children? Do you prefer to give more praise or do you think it’s important to implement punishments? Comment!