How to differentiate between true friendship and friendship of convenience?

False friends exist, we have all had one and we know the emotional cost they leave in their wake. Thus, Differentiating between true friendship and that of convenience saves us disappointments. It was Aristotle who explained to us in Nicomachean Ethics that there are three types of friendships: those of pleasure, those of virtue and those of “utility or convenience.”

Generally, the latter are those who always ask us for favors. However, they are rarely available when we have a bad time.

The authentic friend, on the other hand, is a figure who practices reciprocity and who knows how to be a light in difficult moments. During this reading, we give you keys to identify who most deserves to be in your life.

Keys to differentiate between true friendship and that of convenience

It doesn’t matter how old we are. False friendships always hurt and are a serious attack on our confidence.. A study published in Nature Communications points out that we build friendly ties with people similar to us. However, discovering that these similarities are falsified by hidden interests generates great pain.

Now, these are situations that we don’t always see coming. As they point out to us in another very interesting work in the magazine PloS One, Sometimes we tend to misperceive who is a good friend.. We can even attribute virtues to someone who, in reality, is only with us out of mere selfishness.

Knowing how to differentiate between true friendship and that of convenience will allow you to better navigate between these relational universes. Next, we define the anatomy of each one.

Do they listen to you or are interested in your problems?

Friends of convenience rarely ask you how you are or what you think.. They are usually those figures who constantly talk about their own lives and need you only as a listener and emotional validator. Furthermore, they do not hesitate to detail everything that happens to them, always leaving you in that passive position that rarely intervenes.

For its part, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology highlights in an article how important these messages of contact and closeness tend to be in everyday life. These reinforcements full of interest are extraordinary nutrients that strengthen friendships. But you won’t find such dynamics in fake or interested friends.

What do true friends do?

Show interest in your daily life. Regularly ask how you are. Notice when you are having a bad day and they suggest meeting you. Converse instead of having a monologue. They exchange ideas, experiences and feelings.

Are they happy about your successes?

To differentiate between a friendship of convenience and a true one, just look at how they respond to your achievements.. Thus, the former will show false or fake emotions when things are going well for you. Generally, these triumphs make them uncomfortable because they leave them at a disadvantage.

What do true friends do?

Rejoice in your successes, suffer with your sadness. Enjoy each emotion with you in an authentic way. Live your achievements as if they were yours and feel excited to see yourself progress.

What type of empathy do they apply?

Friends of convenience often demonstrate instrumental empathy. That is, they do recognize and become aware of your emotions, but they do it to manipulate you. They know when you are suffering or when you are worried, but there is no authentic concern or attunement to your emotional states..

What do true friends do?

True friends apply three types of empathy with you: emotional (they connect with your emotions), cognitive (they understand what you think) and compassionate (they act to help you).

Is there authentic reciprocity?

The Gadjah Mada University, in Indonesia, carried out an investigation with which showed a direct relationship between authentic friendship and reciprocity. Factors such as support, closeness and reciprocal behavior build those bonds defined by trust that enrich us so much. In the case of friendships of convenience, what you will observe is the following:

They need your emotional validation. They define themselves by constantly asking for favors.They do not appreciate your efforts and deference towards them.When you need something from these friends, they don’t always respond. If they do, their performance is inefficient and forced.

What do true friends do?

True friends exercise the principle of reciprocity at all times. Furthermore, they appreciate what you do for them, they are proactive when it comes to helping you, they respond when you need it and they are that daily support even from a distance.

Are you always their “second choice”?

«Do you have something to do this weekend? “X stood me up.” To understand the differences between true friendship and friendship of convenience, it is appropriate that you observe the relevance they give you. In these cases, For the interested friend, you will always be that “plan B” when someone fails them.

What do true friends do?

For the authentic friend you are someone significant and important, they do not relegate you or instrumentalize you, There is no selfishness either. This does not mean that they always want to share time with you, nor that you have perpetual exclusivity. They also meet other people, but they are sincere and communicate it to you normally.

Good friends know you (sometimes more than you do)

Fake or convenience friends have no real interest in getting to know you, but they make you believe otherwise. They barely know anything about your life, your problems, dreams or needs. It’s more, They may occasionally ask you a question on this matter, but they don’t really listen.

They just keep up appearances and make you believe that they have an excellent emotional connection, when the truth is that this bond is as fragile as it is false.

What do true friends do?

Those friends who stand as figures of legitimate affection, know your essences, concerns, dreams and desires.. There is a real and constant interest in knowing about you. What’s more, sometimes they even know how you will react in certain situations because they read you like an open book.

Manipulation strategies

Manipulative behaviors often appear in friendship relationships.. A study from Social and Behavioral Sciences states that the greater the perceived closeness and trust, the more frequent these acts are.

False friends usually try to convince you that the complicity and union they have is significant, in order to initiate these harmful behaviors. Generally, these are the manipulations they carry out:

Using victimhood to ask for favors.Projecting their guilt to make us feel bad. Expressing phrases like “I would do it for you” if they want to ask us for something. Saying that we get angry for nothing when they offend us or hurt us. Flattering our qualities excessively to gain our trust.Make us isolate ourselves from other friends to keep us under their control.Pretend that we neglect them or do not take their feelings into account.

What do true friends do?

Authentic friends do not engage in manipulative behavior; They are sincere, they do not exercise any control over you and they make you feel safe and comfortable at all times.

Fake friendships are figures who emotionally manipulate you to reinforce their self-esteem and to keep you under their control. Living with these presences for a long time can condition many aspects of your life.

Impact of false friends and how to act

Differentiating between true friendship and friendship of convenience will prevent you from suffering and psychological discomfort. After all, behind someone who is with you out of interest, hides a person who does not understand respect or healthy affection. A post from Personality and individual differences highlights something interesting.

Emotional manipulation and the Machiavellian personality have a common link. Maintaining a friendship with such profiles is exhausting and harmful. They are men and women who need you to validate their self-esteem, to be under their control and available to meet their needs.

Therefore, to safeguard your well-being it is necessary to act in the best way. The following are some recommendations:

Assess whether the behavior improves. Establish limits on manipulative behaviors.Become aware of how you feel in that friendship.Start a conversation with that friend and demand changes.Reflect on whether you would feel better without the bond.Clarify the reasons why you want to leave the relationship.Avoid breaking the link by applying the ghosting (disappear without saying anything). Start a dialogue with that friend if all you receive is disappointment and discomfort.

Surround yourself with friends who give you light

To conclude, on the journey of life we ​​will always encounter this type of presence. Egoism and hidden interests are at the core of many bonds, whether friendship, family or couples.

Knowing how to act in time will preserve our well-being and self-esteem. Let us always try to surround ourselves with luminous figures, with presences that know how to be a home and not a fence.

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