Fear of rejection: its psychological origin and its terrible consequences

Every human baby is born with the need for essential external care to be able to survive: food, protection, hygiene… Due to this absolute dependence on our elders, since we are born we have a biological programming that drives us to panic when we feel that they do not pay attention to us and that these basic cares, essential for our survival, are in danger.

If somehow the child does not feel protected and be careful, he will carry this same vital panic throughout his life and will continue to seek acceptance from others to feel calm.

Consequences of being afraid of rejection

In psychological therapy it is very common to find examples of people who are capable of anything, even sacrificing themselves, to get the attention and acceptance of the group in which they are.

Luckily, these types of negative patterns can be solved very well by performing a deep therapeutic work. When we find the origin of the primary need that underlies this attitude, we can free ourselves from its negative effect.

Fear of not being accepted by others: the origin

To understand why this need to please others sometimes arises, I am going to tell you the story of Mario, who came to my psychology clinic at the age of 35. After several years of enduring the stress and harassment to which his bosses subjected him, He had depressive symptoms and was on sick leave due to anxiety.

As we talked, in our first sessions, one of his main problems was that he was not able to defend his opinions or his thoughts in front of others. When he didn’t like something or when he had a good idea for his work, he could never say it and he felt a lump in his throat that blocked him. His thoughts were always: “maybe it’s not a good idea and they won’t like it” or “they sure think badly of me”.

Reviewing his childhood, in one of our sessions, Mario recalled a scene in which his father entered the kitchen, he passed by her without saying anything, greeted and kissed his mother, and left without even looking at the little one. During the few seconds that the scene lasted, Mario followed him with his eyes, hoping, begging, for a small gesture of acknowledgment from his father, but this never happened. His father acted, and always acted, as if he didn’t exist.

Psychological therapy to heal the fear of rejection

Asking him to connect with the emotions the little boy was feeling at that time, Mario burst into tears. He said: “His father never tells him anything about him. He never shows affection. The child is sad. It hurts, it misses. I feel a physical pain in my heart. I feel it in the child and I feel it now, as an adult. It doesn’t give me security, I don’t feel safe with my father. I feel like naked when I go with him. Totally unprotected.”

I asked him, then, what he recognized about this whole situation in his present time, in his relationships with other people. “I always think what I am going to say. I don’t know if others are going to like my opinion or if they are going to reject me”.

Fair when pronouncing that last word (reject), Mario understood the connection between his present and his past. He cried uncontrollably again. “I want people to like me. I want to be accepted. Exactly like the boy. I want my father to like me, I want him to appreciate what I say, to take me into account. The boy wants to feel safe with his father, but he never comes, he never gets it. No matter how hard he tries, he never gets it.”

Little by little, We were working on that emotional lack so strong that it dragged Mario to change the focus of attention on his present. He was assuming that his father had his character and his own emotional flaws. He wasn’t able to give her attention as a child and he wasn’t going to change in his present either. He couldn’t keep waiting for the affection to come from that part.

dare not like

Little by little Mario understood that, nowadays, he himself was the one who could love himself and procure the attention and affection that he did not have as a child. His time and his effort to come to therapy was already a sign that he wanted to take care of himself and he wanted to heal his past.

One day, between sessions, Mario wrote a letter to his “child” so that he would stop looking at his past and focus on the present: “Speak calmly. Be yourself. Express yourself without caring what others think, without fear of being judged, without fear of being judged by your father. I don’t know why it was like this with you, but I am with you now. I’m going to take care of you and I’m not going to judge you.”

In his present, Mario was gaining confidence. He began to give importance to his opinions and stopped caring what others might think. Every time he spoke, every opinion he expressed made him feel stronger and more confident. He no longer needed anyone’s approval, he already had himself.