Fear of conflict: what is behind the tendency to avoid arguments

Many people, rather than contradict or oppose someone, prefer to keep quiet and not give their opinion. After a lifetime silent, they feel disconnected from themselves, their self-esteem is very low and their intuition tells them that they cannot continue like this.

Irene came to my office in one of these moments of crisis. He was clear about his problem and knew what he wanted to achieve with therapy. In our first session, he explained it to me very simply: “I am not capable of saying no. I always give in to others.”

These people unable to contradict often fall prey to abuse from friends, partners and family members. Since they are aware that they are not going to protest or oppose their demands, they overwhelm them, exploit them and believe they have the right to dispose of them for their benefit.

It is clear that we are facing an assertiveness problem and that these people need to learn to say no in a balanced way, without feeling bad or guilty for refusing or opposing any demand.

The network is full of articles about assertiveness and about the right that we all have to say “no”, but most of these tips do not cause any positive effect because the problem is not so superficial that it can be solved with a few simple guidelines.

Keep quiet so as not to argue (or so that others do not discuss)

Those who cannot say “no” are aware that keeping quiet is not right, that they should give their opinion and refuse to do what they do not want. He knows it, but he finds it impossible to speak. He is horrified at the idea of ​​arguing, of not being liked, of not being accepted. In situations where he is not at ease, he is incapable of complaining, he feels a huge lump in his throat that prevents him from expressing any ideas against others. This deep problem cannot be solved with some tips on the Internet, it requires much more effort and work than repeating a few well-intentioned guidelines.

In my practice, to help these people rebuild their assertiveness, we first need to understand what emotions and what patterns underlie your disability to say no, that is, what is causing the lump in the throat.

In Irene’s case, we found that the underlying desire that prevented her from saying no was an extreme need for everyone to get along. When she witnessed a dispute between her friends, or simply if someone raised her voice a little, she felt terrible, and of course, when she herself was immersed in an argument, she was unable to stop. talk. To avoid going through these bad experiences, when they asked him for something, he always gave in.

Using this idea of ​​“everyone getting along”, we were able to connect with his past and understand how this concept had taken root in his mind. Since she could remember, her parents argued constantly for whatever reason and little Irene had witnessed fights of different severity between them. In her sessions, Irene understood the intensity with which she experienced her parents’ fights as a child.

With the passage of time he had not forgotten these discussions, but what he did not remember was the deep damage they caused him.

The shadow of separation was always present in his house. In reality, her parents never separated, but as a child, Irene felt that any argument could be the one that would end her family (her idea of ​​the ideal family). In her mind was implanted the idea that, if she did nothing to provoke arguments between her parents, they would not separate. Therefore, she became an obedient and obedient girl, who was never contrary and who was always attentive to adapt, at all times, to what her parents asked of her. Little Irene got used to not complaining, not saying no.

Change patterns to overcome this fear

Although Irene was able to clearly establish the relationship between her present and her past, managing to change the pattern that prevented her from expressing herself freely and saying “no” was more complicated. she got it when she understood and internalized the idea that she was not responsible for her parents’ arguments. They had their problems and their own couple dynamics. No action by Irene could have influenced whether they stayed together or separated. Curiously, Irene left home quite young and her parents had continued to argue until now without getting divorced.

“It was like I was released from a huge stone,” she told me, “I’m not responsible for my parents’ relationship. It doesn’t matter what I do. I can talk or not talk, it doesn’t matter.”

When he became aware and integrated this new point of view, Irene began to release the tension she felt in her throat. She started practicing with her friends and saying “no” in everyday situations. They encouraged her and made her see that nothing was wrong, that they could even have different opinions on some issues and that this did not have to be a problem.

She felt more and more secure to be able to express herself, without fear of causing a catastrophe. She not only could say that she “no” when she considered it necessary, but he didn’t feel guilty after doing it.