Do you know what expert syndrome is and how you can avoid it?

Paula tells Sofía that her relationship is deteriorating more and more, that she is not comfortable at work and that her family requires more attention than she can give them.. Sofía nods incessantly while she looks at some children playing in the park and responds “Paula, sometimes life is not what we expect, you have to be strong and you don’t have to get bitter. When I was sick, I would pick up and go to the park for a walk. And look at me now, I’m so happy with everything…”
Do you think Sofía’s words will help Paula feel better?

Probably not. We often make the mistake of giving our opinion on something when the other person really just needs to be heard. Zeno of Elea said that “If nature gave us two eyes, two ears and one mouth, it is to see and hear each other twice as much as we speak”. At some point we have been able to hear this type of advice or we have even given it ourselves. Are they appropriate or useful? Sometimes they can even be irritating and insulting.

This tendency to preach is what we call “the expert syndrome”. Obviously it is not something pathological but a way of calling this very common behavior. We often tend to manifest infallible remedies and develop transcendental reflections that have helped us overcome adversity at a given moment. The normal thing is that, with this behavior, we want to do good to the other person; However, there are people who behave this way to get rid of the “dead man out of the way”, to be on top or to show off their ability to solve their own problems. In all cases We can reeducate this bad habit to communicate more effectively.
Listening with patience is better charity than giving. To do this, we need to be aware of the mistakes we make when listening:

-Avoid anxiety and wait patiently for the other person to finish exposing their problems.

-Eliminate the tendency to judge the lives of others from your perspective. Don’t tell your story when the other needs to talk to you.

-It is not appropriate to interrupt the other person’s speech but You can (and it is advisable) to offer some type of incentive to keep the other person talking. (For example: I see, uhmm, you’re right.)

–Do not get distracted. In the example at the beginning, Sofia seemed distracted and looked at the children in the park while Paula spoke. This conveys a lack of interest to the other person..

-Do not respond superficially. Sometimes we just need to be heard and understood, we are not looking for advice but for relief. It is a mistake to offer premature help or solutions.

–Don’t counterargue. There are people who, as you speak to, are constantly trying to refute what you say. The intention may be good but it makes communication difficult. If at any time you feel tempted to do it, avoid it. (For example eliminates questions like: and why not?)

–Allows emotional expression as cry or remain silent and don’t get carried away by the anxiety of controlling it. It is natural and conveys trust and connection.

-Obviously, The conversation does not end when the other person finishes his speech. It’s good summarize what has been said, emphasizing what is most important to convey that we have understood what it conveys to us.

–Non-verbal communication is essential: direct your body and your gaze towards the person you are talking to and let them know with your gestures that you are willing to listen to them and that you are interested in what they are telling you.

The ability to listen actively is a skill that can be learned and taught. Active listening means paying attention to what the other person says while being empathetic, that is, putting ourselves in their place. Below we leave you an illustrative video about how important it is to listen to others with all our senses:

Image courtesy of Krasnaja Sapocka