Daddy issues or relationships based on lack of attachment

The expression daddy issues It has been used for some time to refer to couples made up of a young woman and an older man. However, the reality is that there are also cases of couples in which there is an older woman and a young man, the mommy issues.

Currently, the term daddy issues It is used interchangeably for both genders, and represents the same reality: a couple in which there is a large age difference. Apparently, this is a type of relationship that is growing.

Many psychologists think that talking about daddy issues is romanticizing a situation that is built on a serious problem: lack of attachment. The expression literally translates as “problems with the father”, or with the mother in the case of men, and implies a lack of childhood that is then transferred to the couple. Let’s look at this in more detail.

In “daddy issues” relationships there are dependency and attachment problems.

The daddy issues and attachment

The daddy issues They are not considered a clinical category, but, to a certain extent, some classify them within the Electra complex and the Oedipus complex postulated by Sigmund Freud. However, it is usual that these types of relationships tend to be analyzed through attachment theory, and not psychoanalytic principles.

From this point of view, the idea is that all babies establish a bond of dependency, particularly with the mother, since this is essential for their survival. When this dependency is secure, that is, when it coincides with what the parents provide, the necessary basis is established for the exploration of unfamiliar situations.

Now, it is also possible that a secure attachment will not be built. It can be ambivalent – when the parents do not respond coherently to the baby’s demands – or avoidant, when there is no response or it is aggressive. This last case is the one that corresponds to the lack of attachment. In all cases, the effects of the type of attachment last into adulthood.

Lack of attachment and the couple

The relationship between the baby’s primary caregivers, that is, the parents or those who take their place, They have scope that extends throughout life and significantly influences the choice of a partner., as well as in raising one’s own children. That is the reason why the daddy issues or relationships based on a problematic past with the father or mother.

When the daughter’s relationship with her father has been problematic, it is possible that she looks for a partner who in one way or another represents that absent, contemptuous or excessively loved father of her childhood. There is an unconscious fantasy of resolving what was pending with the parent.. The same goes for men and their mothers.

The effect is distrust of the couple and, at the same time, their idealization. There is an attraction to people who are protective and strong. It is common to continually seek their approval and become excessively complacent with them. Jealousy also prevails and the tendency for the partner to see him or her as the girl or boy who needs them.

“Daddy issues” relationships are usually asymmetrical due to the age difference of their participants.

In search of a solution

Not all relationships between older men or women and younger partners correspond to cases of daddy issues. Those that do fall within this category are those in which the young person develops a strong dependency and anxious attachment. Likewise, they feel comfortable in that markedly asymmetric relationship, where they are much more recipients than providers.

The problematic thing about this is that far from realizing the unconscious fantasy of re-enacting the conflict with the father or mother, in order to resolve it, what is ultimately achieved is perpetuating it. Therefore, They do not solve the basic problem, but rather make it even more complex..

If attachment theory has taught us anything, it is that we are children of our childhood, and we are especially so because of how it usually conditions our social attitude. When this influence is negative and exceeds our management capacity, it is necessary to ask for help. It is worth it, because overcoming these ghosts of the past is essential to becoming subjects of our decisions, and not their objects.

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