Conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: best tips to overcome it

Neither Edison against Tesla, nor Batman against Joker, nor Quevedo against Góngora, nor Michelangelo against da Vinci… Examples of great historical rivalries that come to almost nothing if we compare them with a classic… do you know what conflict we are not referring to? In effect: the eternal conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

If you are a daughter-in-law, and you are reading this, don’t worry, there is a solution. If you are a mother-in-law, calm down, you are not always the “bad one.” If you are the couple, point out, you also have to act to improve the situation. Let’s go there!

Where does this conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law come from?

The most common thing is that the conflict appears because Both, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, do not understand what kind of space they have with respect to who is in the middle, which is usually the couple. Both, in a certain sense, end up seeing their territory invaded.

On the part of the mother-in-law, interference can be perceived in the family’s economic affairs, in work matters, in raising children, etc. And many times, the daughter-in-law is perceived as someone who wants to interfere in the family and wants to separate her partner from it.

The relationship can be more tense when the mother does not fully accept that her offspring have grown up, are independent and are forming their own family, as she already did in her day. Everything gets worse if the daughter-in-law is not able to understand the emotions of her mother-in-law.

This conflict It can also arise because the expectations that the mother-in-law had regarding her daughter-in-law are not met.. This causes a kind of implicit rejection, almost invisible and involuntary, but which can be felt and intuited.

We must keep in mind that the people who become part of our political family are people we have not directly elected. However, they are inevitable relationships (in principle) and, therefore, it is necessary to work to make them as healthy as possible.

Small changes to solve the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

There are countless different ways to manage conflict. But we are going to leave a series of recommendations that can facilitate the proclamation of peace:

Define the roles of each one firmly. Respect the spaces.Arrange visits so that they do not become an invasion. Maintain fluid communication.Resolve conflicts When they arise, do not silence them to prevent them from magnifying themselves. Never disrespect them.Don’t run a smear campaign against the other.

Importance of the role of the mother-in-law

From the perspective of the couple’s mother, a series of useful measures can be taken. Avoid these actions:

Make decisions for the couple. Advice is always welcome, but in the end the final decision belongs to the couple, who has every right in the world to make mistakes.Don’t always try to be first. You have a privileged position and your offspring and your daughter-in-law know it. But don’t impose that position.Never use your grandchildren to manipulate your daughter-in-law.Do not impose your model of home management, parenting or your rules. Accept that your offspring are adults.Accept the house rules. In your house you have your rules, let the couple have their own in theirs. They are neither better nor worse than yours. They are simply yours and will have been agreed upon.Accept your daughter-in-law as she is. He has been the way he is for many years, with his virtues, his defects and his quirks. If it does not adapt to your expectations and tastes, you will have to accept it.Offer your help, but don’t impose it.

Advice for daughters-in-law

If you have played the role of daughter-in-law and you have conflicts with your mother-in-law, there are also measures that may be useful to de-escalate the conflict. You have some of them below:

Don’t compare your mother-in-law with your mother. Accept that your mother-in-law is one person and your mother is another. Comparisons only lead to conflict.Don’t use what your partner tells you about their mother against them.. She has entrusted it to you because, surely, in addition to his partner, you are his best friend. Don’t betray her trust.Don’t use your children to campaign against your mother-in-law either.. They are not to blame for the conflicts you have with her.Make your mother-in-law feel valued. Thank them for their help and opinion, but make them understand that, although the final decision is yours, you will take their advice into account. Above all, never disrespect anyone.

The role of the couple as mediator

If, on the other hand, you have been involved in a conflict between your partner and your mother, you should know that you can also help resolve the conflict. Here are some guidelines:

Don’t be a weather vane. Position yourself in case you have to do it.Don’t speak ill of either of them behind their backs.. Help them smooth out their rough edges without adding fuel to the fire. Helps define the influence of each of them in your life.Be conciliatory. Promote a good relationship between your partner and your mother. If the conflict is not resolved, consider separating those two areas of your life. It is not necessary for your mother and your partner to see each other.

Let’s overcome social stereotypes

Wars between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are much more striking than other conflicts that occur between political families. Focusing attention on fights involving women usually responds to unconscious processes favored by the patriarchal and heteronormative system. In which we live.

Therefore, before asking your mother to overcome empty nest syndrome or your girlfriend to understand that your mother is “another love of your life,” review your ideas and attitudes. Probably, the dynamic that is occurring has more elements, such as your other parent or the education you have received.

Nowhere has it been written that mother and daughter-in-law have to be rivals, nor that your relationship has to be monogamous, heterosexual or that you have to live with your partner and go to eat every Sunday at your parents’ house. Adjust your relationship and your priorities always aiming at the well-being of all individuals and not towards what “should be.”

Let’s normalize some disagreements

As we have said, the in-laws are not something we can choose and, As always, there will be some people we like better than others. The reasons may be various: because there is no good feelingbecause they don’t have a personality type that fits yours or because you act with a different scale of priorities.

Just as it happens with any other person when you meet them, it can happen to you with your mother-in-law or your daughter-in-law and, therefore, you will do yourself a lot of good when you normalize the situation. It is not advisable to exaggerate the problem, which normally does not go beyond some anecdotal disagreements. With small modifications in the way they relate, the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law takes a backseat.

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