Change the meaning – 9th form

9th Form – Positive cause

The 9th way to change a meaning that gets in the way of life is very simple. Let’s assign a positive cause to our or others’ behavior. In fact, we always do. But in the wrong way.

Think, for example, that you are waiting for someone to arrive at 9 o’clock. Time goes by and nothing from the person arrives. The clock shows 9:30, 10:00 and the person does not arrive. What is the cause of the delay? The person doesn’t care about me. The person doesn’t call me, so he arrives late.

In the example above, we created a meaning for the cause of the delay. A negative meaning that can destroy love, friendship, family or work relationships.

The ninth form of reframing, therefore, is very simple: assigning a positive cause to the behavior. It’s not making an excuse and justifying. It is transforming the meaning of something that bothers us – in others or in us.

“The cause of the person being late was not that they didn’t care. There was a problem that made her late, even though she wanted to arrive at the scheduled time, she simply couldn’t”.

We resignify by changing the cause, from negative to positive.

This way of changing meaning is very useful when we are criticized and the other person tells us, perhaps in a harsh and rude way, something we should have done or something we could have done better, for example.

“The cause of the criticism is that this person does not like me. Nothing I do is good for her.” Here we are attributing a negative cause to the behavior of the other.

Using the 9th form: “The reason for the criticism (albeit harsh) is that this person wants me to develop. She knows my potential, for this reason she criticizes me”.

It changes a lot the feeling we will have in relation to that person, doesn’t it?

Sometimes the following happens: before we meet a person, we hear that he is boring, unbearable and that he treats everyone badly.

Here the cause is hidden. The person’s behavior is explained by the cause: “She is boring. She has always been like that. It’s her style, her personality.”

We can change the cause in many ways. The cause of her exhibiting antisocial behavior is that she had a difficult childhood. If we treat her right, she will surely treat us too.

Something similar happened to me once when I had to go to a government office. The person who served me was not very friendly. On the contrary: he treated me very badly.

What is the cause of the other’s behavior?

I thought to myself: this job she does all day is extremely bureaucratic and boring. She must not enjoy doing this activity every day, 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. But if she is treated well (which usually doesn’t happen, as people don’t have much patience for waiting in line…) she will certainly treat me well. And she can help me solve what I came to solve.

And that’s what happened. As an Arabic proverb says: “With a smiling face, a man doubles his abilities.”

The 9th way to resignify, therefore, is very simple. We use this form every day, but usually in a negative way. Therefore, instead of having better relationships, we end up complicating them.

We can use this form with ourselves. Think of something you did that you didn’t like. The cause of the behavior? Instead of thinking: “I’m really an idiot!”, we can think: the reason I was wrong this time was that I had no experience in this. Next time it will definitely be easier and I won’t do it that way.

Finding a positive cause for our behavior or that of others is a great way to be happier.

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