49 humorous phrases to say in the circle of friends and guarantee lots of laughs

I never had a drug problem. Only with the police…

If you feel like drinking, you drink, if you feel like eating, you eat, if you feel like working, you sleep and wait for the craving to pass.

I’ve never slept with an ugly woman, but I’ve woken up with several.

Poor is like a tire, the more you work, the smoother it gets!

To err is human. Blaming someone else is politics.

Sex is pure math: first you reduce the clothes, then you divide your legs well and lastly you pray not to multiply.

Learn one thing: the world doesn’t revolve around you. Only when you drink too much.

I started a diet, cut out drinks and heavy food. In 14 days, I lost two weeks.

When I get into a fight, my motto is: kill or die. If I can escape through the woods, I will, if I can’t… I’ll go through the hills.

Love is like gasoline. It is expensive, runs out quickly and can be replaced by alcohol.

I avoid things that make me fat, like mirrors, scales and photographs.

The day someone runs after me, you can be sure, it’s robbery.

I’m afraid to ask God “What did I do to deserve this?” and hear the answer for 5 days.

Sexual fantasy is like the smell of poop: we only think it’s normal when it’s ours.

Claustrophobia: Fear of closed places. Example: when I’m going to the bar and I’m afraid it’s closed.